Climbing My Way to Happy.

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I cannot thank my little sis enough for introducing me to rock climbing. She recently moved back home after graduating college from UC Santa Cruz and is an avid rock climber. If you know those banana slugs you know what hippie, liberal, nature, climber, freaks they are. I have to say they are on to something.

Since she has been home I have started climbing and I am IN LOVE OBSESSEDDDDDDDDD. {It happened again tonight. The shear feeling of happiness and joy filled my heart. Filled my whole body. The happy sweet spot.} Climbing is exhilarating, challenging, and just plain awesome. I am facing fears and letting go of them. I am breaking boundaries mentally and physically. Climbing is a powerful tool for self discovery and overcoming self-imposed limitations. It is You vs. You. In life and especially with infertility, I feel like it is a constant game of Me vs. Me. My mind constantly talking. My body letting me down. With climbing I feel like it helps you quite the inner mind games and focus on what is true to be and in the now. I am learning to trust my body again, which I have started to loose faith in because of infertility. My body is a lot stronger and more powerful than I have been giving it credit for. Climbing is also proven to be very therapeutic. Here are some other benefits I have been noticing/what rock climbing will help you with:

Goal setting

Relieves stress

Full body workout

You vs. You

Gives you Confidence

Perseverance

A smokin’ hot bod

I don’t know about you, but some of these sound like things we have to deal with on a daily bases with infertility- goal setting, perseverance… But how about practicing those things in a positive way and gaining some of the things back that infertility has stolen from us like confidence, stress release, a smokin’ hot bod? I know it’s hard sometimes to step outside of the baby making world when you are so deep in it, but I am telling you, once you take some real quality time for yourself mentally and physically, things will start to change. I have said it before and I will say it again, happiness is the one emotional I believe everyone is striving for the most and is the hardest to keep. All I know is that I am happy. And I will keep climbing towards that happiness one hold at a time.

Remember it’s not just about how high you climb, but how high climbing makes you feel!

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Essential Oils + Fertility

Yeah. Yeah. You have heard it again and again. Over and over from me. We are “taking a break” for a year to regroup and decide which direction we want to go in when the time comes. Since we will not be doing anything extreme or invasive for a while I have been researching a lot of holistic and natural ways of conceiving. I know what you might be thinking. Skeptical, wooheyy, whatever. I am too, but I feel like I am wasting time just sitting idly by when I can maybe do something positive to help my bod get into amazing baby making shape. I would wayyy rather conceive naturally than blow through my kids entire college fund before I even have one. Or better, blowing up my body with crazy meds and emotions to have it result in nothing other than a waste of time, energy, and money. I haven’t dived into the realm of oils, crystals {ok we do have a moonstone under our bed}, or eating totally crazy yet. I know it seems a little backwards- maybe I should have been doing this all along and in conjunction with. So heck why not? If anything I will smell pretty and maybe I will feel a little better too.

I recently became part of a group on Facebook called Fuller Life- Young Living. They are all about essential oils and natural remedies. I got the guts to post about our infertility “situation” and asked for advice on any oils that can be used to maximize fertility or help or anything. I was amazed at the responses I got back. Here is the advice I received::

“Please get the book Inner Transformation using Essential Oils, the success rate of ladies who struggle with the same infertility become pregnant using the guidelines in this book following the Colon cleanse etc. using the Young Living Supplements. It will be so worth it!”

“I used a similar product to pro plus (didn’t know about yl yet) plant base progesterone ointment……. went from dr saying I was not making any estrogen and therefor could not get pregnant to surprise eight weeks later, I might mention I believe god opens and closes the womb and we were also at Disney world, so there are a lot of variables there for me lol but I would love to pray for you guys and recommend oiling up with male booster like blue spruce and golden rod and maybe some pro plus and any other hormone oils, there are lots if you do some searching and trying what’s best for you. I have grown to love into the future as well and am reminded to pray over our future when I put it on. Best wishes!”

“This is Ken’s wife, Angie. I cannot find my book this evening to look it up, but I think Gary Young’s new book, “Ancient Einkorn” mentions infertility being one of the side-effects of GMO grain. Excellent book….”

“I have Doctor Leanne’s book Taming the Dragon and she mentions in the book that a certain cleanse has seen major results. Worth checking out:)”

“I’m not a dr and every case is different but I suffered myself and learned later & after much heartache, my unexplained infertility was due to a folic acid mutation deficiency.. Make sure your doc puts you on prescription folic acid and eat lots of healthy organic foods with folic acid. I would eat only organic while ttc… Following on what others suggest for YLO… Best of luck to you and your husband.”

“I went to a naturopath…..I had heavy cycles horrible cramps and very moody he told me it’s from too much estrogen and I took 3 supplements for a month and was preggo a month later!!!!!”

Inner Transformations!!! LeAnne Deardeuff spent many woman with that problem!”

“If you are high in estrogen, the try progessence plus to level out. Commit to at least 6 months with the oils. Continue the PP after you conceive until the pregnancy is firmly implanted and producing progesterone. Then start it back up at delivery to prevent post partum depression and mood swings.”

I got this concocktion for bumping up libido! {pun intended}

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Ranna Seah's photo.
“If you are going to try this, please use a organic tampon. 🙂 {obviously I want to try this one}”

 

WoW. I really loved all these responses and feel like they all have great information. I haven’t quite decided which direction I want to go in yet. I am still drinking Fertilitea twice a day. It tastes good and I didn’t feel my ovulation this month- which is weird I can always feel it and it hurts! So maybe my hormones are balancing out? IDK. I didn’t have a hormone problem to begin with. I don’t think. I really hate doctors. The more I learn about them the more I think they are idiots and too “by the book”. And they are insensitive. And blah. Anywho, sorry about the ADD. Back to oils. I already use some for when I get sick with a cough or cold or I cant sleep, so why not try it for fertility. I am probably going to purchase the Inner Transformations book or Taming the Dragon book or both. And that tampon thing. Why not. Ready go.

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I {love}maegan.com

Ok can we talk about how much I LOVE  lovemaegan.com. Please, please read this blog post she did a while ago. A friend sent it to me a few months back and I re-read it today. I felt different reading it today than I did back then. I wrote something similar recently, but I feel like Maegan hits a lot of points I was blinded to. Lately I have been thinking,  “why, why did I say we are taking a YEAR off??? Can I handle waiting a year to proceed with baby making??” I am already getting antsy to move on to the “next step” and it has only been 4 months! I want it now! I keep seeing others journey with IVF and Adoption being started and completed and I want to be right there with them. But I need to remember that is not my journey right now. I committed to a year off and I am going to stick with it. Thanks Maegan for reminding me to be present and grateful for my own life.

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“My story shouldn’t offend you if you’ve got differing opinions, nor should you take it personally or as a personal attack on the opposite side of the realm. What it is meant to do, besides help clear up some clutter in my own mind, is offer a little calm to those, who like me, are struggling with trying to get pregnant, and who have been trying for years to accept this reality, and who may need a little optimism to see that there is life beyond what we think we’re supposed to do while we’re here on this planet.

Sure I believe that we make our own paths in this life and we create our own opportunities and even our own luck, but when it comes to fertility, even if we do go down the road of hormones and IVF, there is no certainty that we will end up with a baby. And because so much of life IS happenstance, I wasn’t willing to give up my sanity while going through those procedures for a “maybe baby”.

Does that mean I didn’t want to be a mom badly enough? Maybe to some, but all religious beliefs aside, I think if something is meant to happen, it’s going to happen. It’s the nature of things in this life. For me, and for me alone, I’ve learned that when I force things into my own life that weren’t ready to be, they don’t turn out the way I thought they would, and I didn’t want any of this type of thought to be put on a human life. {note: I have no judgment against people who do go the IVF route whatsoever}

But maybe there is something to be learned from it not happening. There is something to be said for this journey, this life that is happening to us right now, even if it’s different from what we thought it was going to be, from what we thought it was supposed to be, and even if it is just my husband and I forever, living with a house full of puppies, there is happiness in this moment in time.

“We have to remind ourselves that the life we are living is worthwhile even though we have not added to the population.”

Some days I wonder if I’m missing out. And yes, I most certainly am. WE most certainly are.

We’re missing out on the smiles and the firsts and all the amazing things people post on Facebook and Instagram without showing the other side… the hard as hell side. The side that everyone knows but seems to forget when another woman gets pregnant for the first time.

It’s usually only when I think of things I’ll miss out on, like experiencing pregnancy, growing a life inside of me, feeling left out around other moms, decorating a nursery, buying baby things, breast feeding, bonding moments, cute baby and kid clothes, play time, teaching the way of life, creating a family and memories I don’t get to make or share with a little being, that I get weepy about what isn’t happening in this life and forget about all the greatness that is happening in this life.

“When I get caught up in “what should have been” or “what could be” is when I forget that in this very moment, everything is just as it is supposed to be and I am happy.”

I think it’s been about a year since I’ve really written here about my struggle with infertility. Now, nearly seven years since we decided to “start trying” to create a family that consists of more humans than dogs, I can almost certainly say that I’m okay most of the time. Most of the time I’m happy with our life. Most of the time I am not sad or wishing or hoping or clinging to the fact that we cannot create children and this may be our family forever.

The truth is, the longer we’ve lived without children running around, the more set in our ways we’ve become and the more we enjoy our lives childless. This is not to say that having children ruin things, or would ruin our life… not in the least, but we’ve seen all of our friends get pregnant and have kids and watched as their lives have gotten harder and not easier. Some days knowing this makes the sadness less palpable, makes me forget that we’ve been trying to get pregnant for so long, and makes me feel free from having to worry about all the things that parents have to worry about constantly.

Obviously, raising kids is difficult, and obviously there are so many wonderful times and moments shared that make it all worth while. But it looks hard. It looks never-ending… it looks like forever.

Through my struggle, I’ve had to reevaluate what I thought my life was going to be like and look like. I’ve had to accept the fact that as much as our parents wanted grandchildren from us, we may just be the biggest disappointments to them forever, and that’s okay. I’ve had to learn to let go of what should have been, what we were brought up to think is the “normal” or the right thing to do because the truth is, even those who follow all the rules and do everything they’re supposed to, don’t always end up happy.

Someone recently asked me how I was doing with it all. How in the past I would get a little weepy hearing pregnancy news or seeing another friend get pregnant again, and slowly spiral into a self-involved anger tornado wondering why I couldn’t get pregnant and “they” could… but this time I responded: Lucky.

I admit, it may have been a slight jab because I was the only one who wasn’t a mom in the entire house, in my own house, where I was hosting, and I thought who in their right mind would ask a person dealing with infertility that question in a time like this? but in that moment, I did feel lucky.

I felt lucky that while I only had to deal with the chaos that comes with children for the weekend, they all had to go home and live with that chaos forever. I felt lucky that I/we get to do whatever we want, whenever we want, and not have the always-worry that comes with children.

I feel lucky because being a parent is taxing all of the time. I feel lucky that I don’t have to think ahead so much that I have to pack a car full of shit every time I go somewhere or lucky for the fact that I can just get in my car and go somewhere whenever I want. I feel lucky that I don’t have all the guilt that comes with being a parent or listen to other people tell me how to parent. I feel lucky that I don’t have to worry about schools and college tuitions. And on a personal/vain level, I feel lucky that I don’t have stretch marks or saggy boobs, and my body is still intact because it hasn’t been stretched out from here to eternity.

“Feeling lucky, grateful for right now, and thinking about the difficult things that come with parenting fade out the misty fantasy of kids and make the reality much more clear, making it easier for me to say to myself, it’s okay, you don’t have to be a mom to be important in this world.”

I feel lucky for so many reasons… Do I think that if we suddenly got pregnant and/or had children and all those things were true for us I would feel lucky too and forget all of this? Yes, absolutely, 100%.

It wasn’t that the question in the moment bothered me. I didn’t get a lump in my throat as I would have in the past. I didn’t feel what I had for all the years prior being asked similar questions. We spent the weekend with a newly pregnant friend and I didn’t think twice about it for the first time in seven years. I wasn’t upset at the thought of our friend being pregnant or seeing her adorable baby bump covered in blue and white stripes for the 4th. I was simply happy for her {and him}.

For me, that was the light at the end of the tunnel… I knew I was okay.

It was only days later when I heard that question on repeat in my mind and I felt myself getting angry quickly at things that normally wouldn’t bother me — a short temper is bound to have deeper meaning — and then I knew I was in the thick of it again. I was upset because I had to ask myself this question yet again… Am I okay? A question/answer I had thought I had come to terms with was here again, in my face, in my head, now a somehow daily reminder to make sure I think about it again. And I was sad. And then I was sad that I was sad about it. I had begun judging myself based on getting emotional about something I thought I had gotten through this past year and here I was, so sad again, longing, missing, feeling empty, left wanting more and clinging to the fact that it’s not going to happen. Again.

And then I had to remind myself that there is more to life, for me, than having children and raising a family. I had to remind myself that my life could be more than I had imagined it to be. I had to remind myself that I already know what being a parent is like and that maybe my life is left open to experiencing things that are unknown and different.

“I know that if I spend one more minute lost in the “what ifs” that I may be stuck in the “what ifs” forever and actually miss out on what I am supposed to learn in this lifetime instead of “what I thought I was supposed to learn” in this lifetime.”

I get a lot of emails from women experiencing sadness on the same journey with infertility and each hits and pierces my heart and spirit in the same way; like a ton of bricks. I know what it feels like, and I am so sorry that you know what it feels like too. For those who don’t understand, it’s more than just not being able to create a family, it somehow feels like a personal failure, like our bodies are not doing what they are “meant to do”. Beyond possibilities of surrogacy and adoption, some of us want to do it ourselves, and accepting that we cannot doesn’t feel like a choice, but rather, a life sentence.

Even if you think that no one understands, we do. We, the women who have yearned to create a family and have wished and hoped and prayed that against all the odds, a healthy life would somehow develop inside of our bodies, only to be left feeling empty each month we can’t make it happen. It’s a lonely struggle. But we are not alone. We are a village of women who are important and worthwhile in this world even though we cannot create life. There is something for us that is different, unexpected, and maybe even spectacular. If we are open to the possibilities, who knows where this amazing life will lead us.”

source: lovemaegan.com

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LOL Thursdays

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#100happydays

Hey World! Here are some pics of some of the things that make me happy days 35 thru 49. Enjoy xoxo.

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Happiness + Infertility

Most of the time in my infertility journey I feel like I am living in “Happiness Limbo”. I don’t know if any of you have experienced this same feeling, but I will try and explain it.

I am usually a pretty happy person generally speaking, but I have found in the past 3 years that my happiness level has decreased significantly. I find my lows are lower and my highs are higher. Am I bipolar? Sometimes I feel like I am. With infertility I feel like I am always waiting, thinking, and assuming I will be happy, happier, happiness, happiest when I have a baby and start a family of my own. I know this is a pretty shitty mind set to have, but it is really hard not to think this way. The pressure and stress of not getting what you want, not understanding why things aren’t going according to plan, and why you aren’t capable of doing what your body was made to do is a pretty hard pill to swallow. It makes me depressed, it makes me sad, it makes me not happy.

I think the emotion people are always striving for the most is happiness and it is the hardest to obtain and keep. So how do I get out of this “happiness limbo” and live my life happy in the NOW? Here are some tips and realizations I have come to:

– Having a baby will not truly complete me and make me a happier person all in its self. Yes. I believe it will help, but I also need to learn to be happy if that possibility never happens.

– Appreciate what I have. I have so much and no more money, babies, dogs, clothes, etc. are going to make me a happier person.

–  Watch the documentary Happy. This is such a great film and really puts life into perspective. People around the world are happy in situations I never thought imaginable. If they can be happy with cleaning up cow poop everyday and living in a hut, I think I can be pretty happy about the cards I was dealt.

– Listen to The Power Of Now. It has helped me to live in the now and find happiness in the littlest of things. Even washing my hands.

– Do things that make me happy. Work out. Read. Swim. Snuggle.

– Be happy.

I understand life is such and we aren’t expected to he happy all the damn time, but I WANT to be happy MOST of the time. I really do believe it is possible with a change in my mind set and priorities. I want out of this “happiness limbo” once and for all. I used to get these bursts of feelings all the time. {Remember I used to be a happy person} I can’t even explain this feeling other than its like a whole light just explodes in my body for no reason and I feel so light, free, and happy… Like I said, I used to get it all the time, but now it comes few and far between. The last time I felt this way was when I was driving down the freeway blasting the music in my car and all of a sudden this overwhelming feeling of sheer joy hit me. Today it happened again.

The Fam decided to head to the Bay since San Diego was going to reach an all time high this weekend, of like 1 million degrees. We loaded the car, headed out early this morning, and hung out there all day. It was a perfect, perfect day. The water was just right to cool off, the sun was out, the sky was clear, the cocktails were cool. We kayaked, played smashball and scrabble {I got my ass kicked}. We chatted, we laughed. We ate at our favorite sandwich place for dinner. We ended the night having a family swim in the pool, and laughed some more. I can say today, I am happy, happy, happy.

So I will strive to keep this feeling going. I will get it together and stop living my life in the future and past. I don’t want to wake up one day in 20 years and be like “fuck. where did my life go. oh yeah I was worrying about having a baby the whole time.” There is so much more to life people. I won’t let infertility win.

 

here are some pics from today. enjoy.

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Sorry. Not Sorry.

{warning. do not read if you get easily offended or do not want to hear an angry rant post.}

Dammnn it! I thought this blog world was a “safe place”. Not so much these days on my feed. I don’t know about ya’ll but I have stopped following a decent amount of people this week, for reasons I am sure you can figure out on your own. Let me give you a clue- they might be are pregnant. For God sakes I am following women who have been trying to get pregnant for 10 years without success, women with lots of disorders that are preventing them from getting pregnant, and so on.  I figured I would be the one getting preggo and spreading the glorious news all over WordPress “See it works, just keep thinking positive and keep trying and your dreams with come true!”. Blow me.  It sucks because it has pretty much left me with like 5 following-ers. Time to find new friends 🙂

I know I have been talking about how strong I feel and how great I have been handling situations that involve pregnant women lately, but for some reason this feels different. It feels like I have been cheated on. I guess I never wanted to admit to myself that some of these women I follow would eventually end up pregnant- with or without me. I imagined this safe little bubble of people that were always going to be infertile, trying, and writing about how much pregnant girls suck.

I’m sorry not sorry that I don’t feel happy and excited for you. I know I probably come off like a horrible, bitter, crazy person, but I am voicing my truth. I’m sorry not sorry that I am not more compassionate and understanding of you. I do hope all the best for these women and their growing families. Of course I do. I understand now that I am not at a point in my growth where I can relish in someone else’s baby happiness with them just yet. And that is okay.

Can I ask one question? Why? Why would you blast that news all over your blog when you know that most of your followers are in the same situation that you were once in? I would think infertiles a like would have a little more sensitivity towards the community that they have been sharing in. Or have you already forgotten what it is like?

 

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{end angry rant post}

 

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God. you’re silly.

God must be testing me or just playing jokes on me for a good laugh.

Hubs and I haven’t been to church in a while so we decided its probably time to get back in the saddle. It happens sometimes. We go through phases of going to church every Sunday and then not stepping foot into church for months.

It is weird, I have not been to church since I got baptized. I’m sure it is an unspoken rule that once you get baptized you should be a devout Christian who goes to church every Sunday, but for some reason I have felt the opposite. My heart is still open and full, but there is a disconnect in me for some reason. Ever since I was baptized I haven’t been praying much, we haven’t gone to church, we haven’t had a dialog surrounding God or spirituality. Subconsciously or not maybe I felt like I could drop the ball a little in that department since I am now part of the family. NOT. I know now more than ever we need to have the same commitment we had before. So game on.

Anyways back to the story. Last Sunday we go to church. We were a little early so we had our choice of where we wanted to sit. We picked the middle, right side of the gym. As worship started and people started filing in next to us, I couldn’t help but notice that every person that came to sit in our section was either pregnant or had a newborn. I was like a future baby mama magnet. LITERALLY. Every couple and women who sat to our left, right, back, and front had a sundress on snuggly covering their plump baby bellies. And 2 couples behind us had their cute little newborns all wrapped up. What a hoot. If that isn’t a test of ones progress I don’t know what is. Of course I had to point this out to hubs, who thought it was funny, and surprisingly I didn’t feel like I needed to run and sit at the other end of the gym with all the high schooler’s and middle aged couples.

I am proud of myself for staying positive. I am proud of myself for not falling apart. I am proud of myself for not running. I am proud of myself for placing all of my emotions into a place bigger than myself.

You’re silly universe. Thanks for showing me I am stronger than I think I am.

 

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Really?

I’m sorry but isn’t a Support Group supposed to be about people gathering with the like minded? Or people going through the same thing?

I decided to give that good ole support group another shot and it was going to start tonight- until I got an email. The coordinator emailed to say “FYI I am pregnant! I understand if this is a trigger for you, it used to be mine a few years ago and I wanted to give you a heads up so you didn’t walk into an uncomfortable situation.” Although I appreciate the thoughtfulness I’m a little annoyed. I wouldn’t say I am bummed or sad- yippie I am doing well in my recovery! But I would say I am annoyed and disappointed. I thought I was finally going to find a safe place to share in grief, compassion, and faith.

Her starting and being in this support group while being pregnant is a little contradictory and frustrating to me. It’s like going to AA as a current drinker. “I used to be sober, so I totally know what you are going through. I just know how to deal with it now.”

Needless to say, no support group tonight.

Side note:: We are headed to Napa next week for our 4 year anniversary! My parents are tagging along as well as my two best friends and their beaus. I’m excited to announce none are pregnant which means lots of wine will be consumed. Crossing fingers that the earthquake didn’t steal all the wine and there will be some left for us!

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WOW I have really slacked off. Here are things that make me happy Day 8::Day 23.

They are not in order and I can’t remember which days are which right now because of my lacking organization skills on this project and slackation, so instead I will just post the pictures and tell you why it makes me happy 🙂 I will be better next week!

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new rug for a bargain. dorie loves it too.

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doing what I love.

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fridays.

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target. enough said.

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watching the sunset from the hammocks.

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my chix.

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moscow mules by the pool.

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a fresh mani/pedi.

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watching the hunger games with aunt sherri.

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evenings at the bungalow.

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getting to work with this PYT.

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mom & hubs working in the yard together.

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spontaneous movie & sushi date nights.

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sundays.

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sharkweek!

 

#100happydays

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