I still cannot believe all the incredibly good news we have received this week…. Pinch me. There is a GOD! Holy moly.

First off, we found out my husband was offered a full time Fire/Paramedic JOB!! He has been working so hard for the past 5 years to get a permanent firefighting position. There were so many times we discussed throwing in the towel or maybe it was time to start pursuing something else, but he never gave up. His persistent and passion finally paid off and he starts March 1! Yaaayyy!

The next day we received the news about our embryo’s… We had 8 embryo’s that went to genetic testing and wait for it…

5 PERFECT FROZEN BABIES!!! 

4 GIRLS + 1 BOY

I can hardly believe it. We only had 1 good embryo last time. And this time 5!!! 4 girls whaaaaat???!!!! So crazy. So awesome.

We have a TON to think about now. Do we do another egg retrieval as planned and bank more eggs or move straight to a transfer since we have a good amount to work with? We are going to talk about it a lot. Pray about it a lot. And talk to our Doctor. We only have a week to make a decision, since I will need to start meds next Saturday if we are moving forward with a transfer… Eeekkkk!

Long story short I am so, so thankful and overwhelmed right now- in a good way. I feel like the pieces are finally starting to come together. I am so glad we did not give up on hubby’s dream and I am so glad we did not give up on the dream of starting a family. I know we still have a long road ahead with the IVF, but today is a good day.

I have been praying every single day for 4 years for these two things. It has felt like a lifetime. I guess timing is everything. It may be 4 years to me, but for God or universe or whatever you believe, time is irrelevant.  Psalm 90:4 “For a thousand years in your sight are like a day that has just gone by, or like a watch in the night.”

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Happy New Year

As 2014 closes and 2015 looms not too far away, what are you hoping for? {I think I know what most of us are hoping for this coming year in this community ha}… We are heading down to San Felipe for our annual New Years trip and I am excited to get out of town leaving technology, tv, social media, babies, and pregnant friends behind. So as I won’t be able to post during the new year I will leave you with this great passage that really called to my heart and will be reflecting on in my own life for this coming year. Here’s to an amazing 2015. Cheers!

God has made everything beautiful for its own time. Ecc 3:11 (NLT)

So much of our energy is spent on looking forward or remembering backwards. We pine for what’s been lost and can’t wait for what we don’t yet have… and all the while, beauty is right before us…

God has made EVERYTHING – yep, ALL things – beautiful. Whatever you are experiencing now is laced with beauty. You don’t have to reach backwards or forwards to a grasp a sense of beauty or purpose because beauty permeates the world – it’s carried by the love and grace of God in and through all things…

You could be reading this thinking “there is nothing beautiful about the pain I’m in right now…”

I know exactly how you feel… most of us do… And while deep tragedy ravages our heart, it does reveal a beauty that’s concealed in easy times: the deep well of friendship, community, the comfort of God, discovering your strength, the capacity of the human spirit, the hope of eternity. Hope is not born on mountain tops, but in valleys when you’re looking to the heights and peaks that you’re yet to climb…

While you’re dreaming or remembering… or perhaps you’re waiting for the door to open on a particular season in your life; let the season come at its appointed time. Don’t take the beauty of what God is doing in your life today for granted.

Wanting summer to come in the middle of winter only causes frustration! After all, winter has its own purpose in the cycle of seasons. Without it, the trees wouldn’t be so green or so strong. And you miss the beauty that cold can bring – snowflakes, tree trunks, frozen water… winter has a beauty that is not seen in summer…

Wherever you’re at today, ask God to show you the beauty in the season. Let the rhythms of grace be unforced and free flowing. As you continue to hope for tomorrow and glean from the wisdom you learnt yesterday, LIVE today, take every moment given to you and look for the beauty that God has placed all around you in every season. Time will pass, it can’t be stopped… what you hope for will come, but you’ll never relive this moment, so take it, breathe it in and live it all out.

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where have i been?

It has been a little over a month since I have written a blog post or have even checked in on fellow bloggers. The truth is I haven’t really been in the mood to write about what feels like the never ending battle of infertility. I feel like this blog is a blessing, but also a place where I find myself putting too much negative, yet sometimes humorous attention on infertility, instead of sending out positive vibes into the universe like, ” I am fertile!”. So where have I been and what have I been up to?

As I wrote a while ago I started taking Zoloft to help with my lows. No shame here. I freakin love it. I should have started it a year ago. I think I may have been a little too hopeful that it would be a magic pill making everything perfectly perfect. Although it has improved my mood, my motivation, and my emotions, I still have bad days, but they are few and far between and not so low. All in all I would recommend it to anyone who needs a little lift.

My brother in law and sister in law had their new baby in November. A beautiful baby girl named Elle. I don’t know why it was so hard this time around. Maybe because we had been trying to get pregnant before they were even married and now they have two kids under 2 years old. It could also be the fact that I really wanted to have the first girl in the Tieman family. I mean come on they got the first baby! Don’t be selfish! I didn’t go meet her until a week later. I know I am being a little dramatic here, but I was having a hard time processing everything. It took be by surprise how emotional I was about it all since I had been doing so good, but the minute she went into labor I broke down. Anyways it’s all good now and I just think she is the cutest.

We have been going on a lot of mini vacations. We went to Palm Springs to celebrate one of my oldest and dearest friends 30th birthday and surprise engagement! She asked me to be in her wedding next year and I couldn’t be more excited for them.

Earlier this year my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. She had a lumpectomy and went through radiation, which she completed in July and is now breast cancer free. Yippee. Earlier this month though, she was diagnosed with uterine cancer. Unrelated to her breast cancer. It is early stage, but she will have to get a hysterectomy next month and depending on what they find she may have to go through radiation again or chemotherapy. We are praying that they won’t find anything else. I just cannot believe it. Diagnosed with two different kinds of cancer in one year.

I am really trying to get into the Christmas spirit this year since we were out of the country last year for the holidays. Hubs and I got a tree right after Thanksgiving and I decorated the house to the nines. Did I mention that he let me get a pink flawked Christmas Tree? Yes you heard right. A. Pink. Tree. It’s a beaut.

I gave up Facebook… Sort of.

I started meditating daily. I listen to fertility affirmations before I go to sleep at night and sometimes I listen to relaxing meditations during the day to give me more energy or take a break from the chaos. I have found that it has helped put me in a positive mindset. It has helped me to see that I am deserving of happiness.

I am still climbing and we recently went on an outdoor climbing/camping adventure in Joshua Tree. It was sooo muchhhh funnnn! First, I love camping. Second, I love climbing. And Third, my sister and hubs younger brother came along and it was a great time. Joshua Tree has amazing top roping and I have to say I am better outside than in the gym.

All in all I have been a busy girl, but I have also just needed a break from this infertility world. I will be back soon, but until then have the happiest of holidays xoxo

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you’re the only TENN-i-SSEE

Recap of our trip to Tennessee… it was AMAZING. I forgot how much I love that state. I love our family there. I love the scenery. I love the moonshine. We had a great week celebrating my birthday and spending quality time with our cousins. It always goes by so fast!

Highlights::

We drove the loop in The Smoky Mountains, which was insanely beautiful and we made it just in time because the next day it snowed!!

We homemade some moonshine. {Rye is my favorite}

We went to Gatlinburg, which is such a fun little town. We drank more moonshine.

We sat on the front porch in rocking chairs.

We had family dinner at my husbands Aunt and Uncles house. It is so awesome. It is a log cabin that they built from the ground up. Auntie Kris even made my favorite cake for my birthday. LEMON!

We antiqued. And found a cool vintage moonshine mug that we couldn’t live without.

We hung out the little cousins {Charlie and Tatum} and it was so fun.

We drank more moonshine.

Here are some photos from our trip… Enjoy xoxo

 

 

 

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ever upwardI am so excited I could spit! In the mail today was Justine Brooks Froelker’s new book, Ever Upward!!! I can’t wait to start reading it tonight. Thank you Justine for the little note, it made my day 🙂 Get your copy now…

 

 

ever upward

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I {love}maegan.com

Ok can we talk about how much I LOVE  lovemaegan.com. Please, please read this blog post she did a while ago. A friend sent it to me a few months back and I re-read it today. I felt different reading it today than I did back then. I wrote something similar recently, but I feel like Maegan hits a lot of points I was blinded to. Lately I have been thinking,  “why, why did I say we are taking a YEAR off??? Can I handle waiting a year to proceed with baby making??” I am already getting antsy to move on to the “next step” and it has only been 4 months! I want it now! I keep seeing others journey with IVF and Adoption being started and completed and I want to be right there with them. But I need to remember that is not my journey right now. I committed to a year off and I am going to stick with it. Thanks Maegan for reminding me to be present and grateful for my own life.

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“My story shouldn’t offend you if you’ve got differing opinions, nor should you take it personally or as a personal attack on the opposite side of the realm. What it is meant to do, besides help clear up some clutter in my own mind, is offer a little calm to those, who like me, are struggling with trying to get pregnant, and who have been trying for years to accept this reality, and who may need a little optimism to see that there is life beyond what we think we’re supposed to do while we’re here on this planet.

Sure I believe that we make our own paths in this life and we create our own opportunities and even our own luck, but when it comes to fertility, even if we do go down the road of hormones and IVF, there is no certainty that we will end up with a baby. And because so much of life IS happenstance, I wasn’t willing to give up my sanity while going through those procedures for a “maybe baby”.

Does that mean I didn’t want to be a mom badly enough? Maybe to some, but all religious beliefs aside, I think if something is meant to happen, it’s going to happen. It’s the nature of things in this life. For me, and for me alone, I’ve learned that when I force things into my own life that weren’t ready to be, they don’t turn out the way I thought they would, and I didn’t want any of this type of thought to be put on a human life. {note: I have no judgment against people who do go the IVF route whatsoever}

But maybe there is something to be learned from it not happening. There is something to be said for this journey, this life that is happening to us right now, even if it’s different from what we thought it was going to be, from what we thought it was supposed to be, and even if it is just my husband and I forever, living with a house full of puppies, there is happiness in this moment in time.

“We have to remind ourselves that the life we are living is worthwhile even though we have not added to the population.”

Some days I wonder if I’m missing out. And yes, I most certainly am. WE most certainly are.

We’re missing out on the smiles and the firsts and all the amazing things people post on Facebook and Instagram without showing the other side… the hard as hell side. The side that everyone knows but seems to forget when another woman gets pregnant for the first time.

It’s usually only when I think of things I’ll miss out on, like experiencing pregnancy, growing a life inside of me, feeling left out around other moms, decorating a nursery, buying baby things, breast feeding, bonding moments, cute baby and kid clothes, play time, teaching the way of life, creating a family and memories I don’t get to make or share with a little being, that I get weepy about what isn’t happening in this life and forget about all the greatness that is happening in this life.

“When I get caught up in “what should have been” or “what could be” is when I forget that in this very moment, everything is just as it is supposed to be and I am happy.”

I think it’s been about a year since I’ve really written here about my struggle with infertility. Now, nearly seven years since we decided to “start trying” to create a family that consists of more humans than dogs, I can almost certainly say that I’m okay most of the time. Most of the time I’m happy with our life. Most of the time I am not sad or wishing or hoping or clinging to the fact that we cannot create children and this may be our family forever.

The truth is, the longer we’ve lived without children running around, the more set in our ways we’ve become and the more we enjoy our lives childless. This is not to say that having children ruin things, or would ruin our life… not in the least, but we’ve seen all of our friends get pregnant and have kids and watched as their lives have gotten harder and not easier. Some days knowing this makes the sadness less palpable, makes me forget that we’ve been trying to get pregnant for so long, and makes me feel free from having to worry about all the things that parents have to worry about constantly.

Obviously, raising kids is difficult, and obviously there are so many wonderful times and moments shared that make it all worth while. But it looks hard. It looks never-ending… it looks like forever.

Through my struggle, I’ve had to reevaluate what I thought my life was going to be like and look like. I’ve had to accept the fact that as much as our parents wanted grandchildren from us, we may just be the biggest disappointments to them forever, and that’s okay. I’ve had to learn to let go of what should have been, what we were brought up to think is the “normal” or the right thing to do because the truth is, even those who follow all the rules and do everything they’re supposed to, don’t always end up happy.

Someone recently asked me how I was doing with it all. How in the past I would get a little weepy hearing pregnancy news or seeing another friend get pregnant again, and slowly spiral into a self-involved anger tornado wondering why I couldn’t get pregnant and “they” could… but this time I responded: Lucky.

I admit, it may have been a slight jab because I was the only one who wasn’t a mom in the entire house, in my own house, where I was hosting, and I thought who in their right mind would ask a person dealing with infertility that question in a time like this? but in that moment, I did feel lucky.

I felt lucky that while I only had to deal with the chaos that comes with children for the weekend, they all had to go home and live with that chaos forever. I felt lucky that I/we get to do whatever we want, whenever we want, and not have the always-worry that comes with children.

I feel lucky because being a parent is taxing all of the time. I feel lucky that I don’t have to think ahead so much that I have to pack a car full of shit every time I go somewhere or lucky for the fact that I can just get in my car and go somewhere whenever I want. I feel lucky that I don’t have all the guilt that comes with being a parent or listen to other people tell me how to parent. I feel lucky that I don’t have to worry about schools and college tuitions. And on a personal/vain level, I feel lucky that I don’t have stretch marks or saggy boobs, and my body is still intact because it hasn’t been stretched out from here to eternity.

“Feeling lucky, grateful for right now, and thinking about the difficult things that come with parenting fade out the misty fantasy of kids and make the reality much more clear, making it easier for me to say to myself, it’s okay, you don’t have to be a mom to be important in this world.”

I feel lucky for so many reasons… Do I think that if we suddenly got pregnant and/or had children and all those things were true for us I would feel lucky too and forget all of this? Yes, absolutely, 100%.

It wasn’t that the question in the moment bothered me. I didn’t get a lump in my throat as I would have in the past. I didn’t feel what I had for all the years prior being asked similar questions. We spent the weekend with a newly pregnant friend and I didn’t think twice about it for the first time in seven years. I wasn’t upset at the thought of our friend being pregnant or seeing her adorable baby bump covered in blue and white stripes for the 4th. I was simply happy for her {and him}.

For me, that was the light at the end of the tunnel… I knew I was okay.

It was only days later when I heard that question on repeat in my mind and I felt myself getting angry quickly at things that normally wouldn’t bother me — a short temper is bound to have deeper meaning — and then I knew I was in the thick of it again. I was upset because I had to ask myself this question yet again… Am I okay? A question/answer I had thought I had come to terms with was here again, in my face, in my head, now a somehow daily reminder to make sure I think about it again. And I was sad. And then I was sad that I was sad about it. I had begun judging myself based on getting emotional about something I thought I had gotten through this past year and here I was, so sad again, longing, missing, feeling empty, left wanting more and clinging to the fact that it’s not going to happen. Again.

And then I had to remind myself that there is more to life, for me, than having children and raising a family. I had to remind myself that my life could be more than I had imagined it to be. I had to remind myself that I already know what being a parent is like and that maybe my life is left open to experiencing things that are unknown and different.

“I know that if I spend one more minute lost in the “what ifs” that I may be stuck in the “what ifs” forever and actually miss out on what I am supposed to learn in this lifetime instead of “what I thought I was supposed to learn” in this lifetime.”

I get a lot of emails from women experiencing sadness on the same journey with infertility and each hits and pierces my heart and spirit in the same way; like a ton of bricks. I know what it feels like, and I am so sorry that you know what it feels like too. For those who don’t understand, it’s more than just not being able to create a family, it somehow feels like a personal failure, like our bodies are not doing what they are “meant to do”. Beyond possibilities of surrogacy and adoption, some of us want to do it ourselves, and accepting that we cannot doesn’t feel like a choice, but rather, a life sentence.

Even if you think that no one understands, we do. We, the women who have yearned to create a family and have wished and hoped and prayed that against all the odds, a healthy life would somehow develop inside of our bodies, only to be left feeling empty each month we can’t make it happen. It’s a lonely struggle. But we are not alone. We are a village of women who are important and worthwhile in this world even though we cannot create life. There is something for us that is different, unexpected, and maybe even spectacular. If we are open to the possibilities, who knows where this amazing life will lead us.”

source: lovemaegan.com

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#100happydays

Hey World! Here are some pics of some of the things that make me happy days 35 thru 49. Enjoy xoxo.

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