a little crutch

I have decided to be honest with myself. I need a little help right now.

I have worked hard on trying everything natural first to deal with my anxiety and depression over infertility and everything surrounding it. Using essential oils, meditating, exercise, but it’s just not cutting it. I have been feeling worse and worse this past year and more intensely the past few months. My highs are high and my lows are lower. The lows seem to occupy most of my days, more than the good ones. I do a good job faking it, but inside I am hurting. I am breaking.

I decided to see a therapist and my primary care doctor last week because I seriously thought I was having a nervous breakdown at one point. I was hesitant, but accepting of both their advice to take Zoloft for a while. I hate that my infertility has led to me this. It makes me sad and angry all over again! But, I am for the first time, in a long time, hopeful that getting a little help from my friend Z might help me in big ways. I have had a few friends take Zoloft while they were going through infertility and they both said it worked wonders for them. Zoloft is non habit forming and is easy to wean off of when I feel that I am ready to do so. This anti-depressant is also recommended when trying to conceive because you can continue taking it if you do become pregnant. {in the case that I do become pregnant I am pretty sure I will stop, since my depression is situational}. Zoloft also helps with motivation, anxiety, and not letting things effect you as much. I mean I still want to feel, but I am hoping I won’t feel so intensely. I know Z isn’t a magic pill that is going to make everything rainbows and butterflies. I am just hoping it will make things blue birds and waterfalls 🙂 This is scary to write and admit that I need a little crutch at the moment. If I am going to get better and stay sane in my life, my head, my heart, and my journey, I need to own it. It is ok to have a little help.

Other rituals I have started to help with my mood in conjunction with Zoloft:

-Taking fish oil with DHA, which I have read and heard from a good friend, helps with mood and depression.

-I have started listening to nightly meditations before going to bed to help me relax and fall asleep easier. {thanks Justine for the great advice in your book}

-Opening all my blinds in the morning to let the sunshine in. My doctor told me that starting your day off with a little bit of sunlight helps with happiness all day long.

-Cutting back on the caffeine. Now, I am not a big caffeine drinker, I only have a half a cup in the morning and I may get a Starbucks in the after noon and drink half, but doctor told me I should not be drinking caffeine after 2pm. So I will be giving that up.

-No boozing. Ok maybe I will have a glass of wine here or there. You aren’t really supposed to drink when taking Z, so I am going to try and follow that as good as I can!

-Step up my exercise routine. I am climbing 2 days a week, but I need to be going at least 3 along with cardio. I am hoping Z will help step up my motivation.

Z isn’t an instant fix. It will take a couple weeks to feel its full effects. I am just hoping it will be as my friend put it…”It’s like waking up one morning to the most beautiful sunshiny day, when all you have been seeing for weeks is the biggest thunder storm.”

 

 

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Birthday Wishes

Today is my 29th birthday. With that, I know I get one birthday wish. I have decided to make a promise to myself this year. This birthday I will not wish for a baby or a pregnancy.

For the past 3 years every candle I have blown out on top of my birthday cake has been a wish that goes something like this, {and not exactly because I know wishes don’t come true if you tell them}… “please, please I wish that I will get pregnant and have lots of babies!” With every year that has come and gone, so has my wish. Maybe I need to be more specific. “Please, please let me get pregnant tonight!”

This year I have a different wish for myself. I am going to wish for world peace. Ok, maybe I am not going to wish for that because we all know that would be a waste of a wish, but I am going to make a wish that has nothing to do with babies, pregnancy, or infertility.

I don’t want to go into the last year of my twenties wishing for another life that is not mine or that I may not ever have.

Birthdays are a new start. Fresh beginnings. A time to start new endeavors with new goals. I am going to move forward with fresh confidence and courage to take on the next year with a happy heart!

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I am popping a boner over Coldplay’s newish album Ghost Stories. This post has nothing really to do with infertility other than the fact that music is my lifeline and it helps my mood and helps get me through hard times, happy times, and everything in between. Do yourself a favor and GO GET IT!! It is definitely hitting the spot this Sunday morning. That is all.

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Climbing My Way to Happy.

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I cannot thank my little sis enough for introducing me to rock climbing. She recently moved back home after graduating college from UC Santa Cruz and is an avid rock climber. If you know those banana slugs you know what hippie, liberal, nature, climber, freaks they are. I have to say they are on to something.

Since she has been home I have started climbing and I am IN LOVE OBSESSEDDDDDDDDD. {It happened again tonight. The shear feeling of happiness and joy filled my heart. Filled my whole body. The happy sweet spot.} Climbing is exhilarating, challenging, and just plain awesome. I am facing fears and letting go of them. I am breaking boundaries mentally and physically. Climbing is a powerful tool for self discovery and overcoming self-imposed limitations. It is You vs. You. In life and especially with infertility, I feel like it is a constant game of Me vs. Me. My mind constantly talking. My body letting me down. With climbing I feel like it helps you quite the inner mind games and focus on what is true to be and in the now. I am learning to trust my body again, which I have started to loose faith in because of infertility. My body is a lot stronger and more powerful than I have been giving it credit for. Climbing is also proven to be very therapeutic. Here are some other benefits I have been noticing/what rock climbing will help you with:

Goal setting

Relieves stress

Full body workout

You vs. You

Gives you Confidence

Perseverance

A smokin’ hot bod

I don’t know about you, but some of these sound like things we have to deal with on a daily bases with infertility- goal setting, perseverance… But how about practicing those things in a positive way and gaining some of the things back that infertility has stolen from us like confidence, stress release, a smokin’ hot bod? I know it’s hard sometimes to step outside of the baby making world when you are so deep in it, but I am telling you, once you take some real quality time for yourself mentally and physically, things will start to change. I have said it before and I will say it again, happiness is the one emotional I believe everyone is striving for the most and is the hardest to keep. All I know is that I am happy. And I will keep climbing towards that happiness one hold at a time.

Remember it’s not just about how high you climb, but how high climbing makes you feel!

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#100happydays

Hey World! Here are some pics of some of the things that make me happy days 35 thru 49. Enjoy xoxo.

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Happiness + Infertility

Most of the time in my infertility journey I feel like I am living in “Happiness Limbo”. I don’t know if any of you have experienced this same feeling, but I will try and explain it.

I am usually a pretty happy person generally speaking, but I have found in the past 3 years that my happiness level has decreased significantly. I find my lows are lower and my highs are higher. Am I bipolar? Sometimes I feel like I am. With infertility I feel like I am always waiting, thinking, and assuming I will be happy, happier, happiness, happiest when I have a baby and start a family of my own. I know this is a pretty shitty mind set to have, but it is really hard not to think this way. The pressure and stress of not getting what you want, not understanding why things aren’t going according to plan, and why you aren’t capable of doing what your body was made to do is a pretty hard pill to swallow. It makes me depressed, it makes me sad, it makes me not happy.

I think the emotion people are always striving for the most is happiness and it is the hardest to obtain and keep. So how do I get out of this “happiness limbo” and live my life happy in the NOW? Here are some tips and realizations I have come to:

– Having a baby will not truly complete me and make me a happier person all in its self. Yes. I believe it will help, but I also need to learn to be happy if that possibility never happens.

– Appreciate what I have. I have so much and no more money, babies, dogs, clothes, etc. are going to make me a happier person.

–  Watch the documentary Happy. This is such a great film and really puts life into perspective. People around the world are happy in situations I never thought imaginable. If they can be happy with cleaning up cow poop everyday and living in a hut, I think I can be pretty happy about the cards I was dealt.

– Listen to The Power Of Now. It has helped me to live in the now and find happiness in the littlest of things. Even washing my hands.

– Do things that make me happy. Work out. Read. Swim. Snuggle.

– Be happy.

I understand life is such and we aren’t expected to he happy all the damn time, but I WANT to be happy MOST of the time. I really do believe it is possible with a change in my mind set and priorities. I want out of this “happiness limbo” once and for all. I used to get these bursts of feelings all the time. {Remember I used to be a happy person} I can’t even explain this feeling other than its like a whole light just explodes in my body for no reason and I feel so light, free, and happy… Like I said, I used to get it all the time, but now it comes few and far between. The last time I felt this way was when I was driving down the freeway blasting the music in my car and all of a sudden this overwhelming feeling of sheer joy hit me. Today it happened again.

The Fam decided to head to the Bay since San Diego was going to reach an all time high this weekend, of like 1 million degrees. We loaded the car, headed out early this morning, and hung out there all day. It was a perfect, perfect day. The water was just right to cool off, the sun was out, the sky was clear, the cocktails were cool. We kayaked, played smashball and scrabble {I got my ass kicked}. We chatted, we laughed. We ate at our favorite sandwich place for dinner. We ended the night having a family swim in the pool, and laughed some more. I can say today, I am happy, happy, happy.

So I will strive to keep this feeling going. I will get it together and stop living my life in the future and past. I don’t want to wake up one day in 20 years and be like “fuck. where did my life go. oh yeah I was worrying about having a baby the whole time.” There is so much more to life people. I won’t let infertility win.

 

here are some pics from today. enjoy.

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Now + Then. Happy 4th Anniversary to Us. Xoxo

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