a little crutch

I have decided to be honest with myself. I need a little help right now.

I have worked hard on trying everything natural first to deal with my anxiety and depression over infertility and everything surrounding it. Using essential oils, meditating, exercise, but it’s just not cutting it. I have been feeling worse and worse this past year and more intensely the past few months. My highs are high and my lows are lower. The lows seem to occupy most of my days, more than the good ones. I do a good job faking it, but inside I am hurting. I am breaking.

I decided to see a therapist and my primary care doctor last week because I seriously thought I was having a nervous breakdown at one point. I was hesitant, but accepting of both their advice to take Zoloft for a while. I hate that my infertility has led to me this. It makes me sad and angry all over again! But, I am for the first time, in a long time, hopeful that getting a little help from my friend Z might help me in big ways. I have had a few friends take Zoloft while they were going through infertility and they both said it worked wonders for them. Zoloft is non habit forming and is easy to wean off of when I feel that I am ready to do so. This anti-depressant is also recommended when trying to conceive because you can continue taking it if you do become pregnant. {in the case that I do become pregnant I am pretty sure I will stop, since my depression is situational}. Zoloft also helps with motivation, anxiety, and not letting things effect you as much. I mean I still want to feel, but I am hoping I won’t feel so intensely. I know Z isn’t a magic pill that is going to make everything rainbows and butterflies. I am just hoping it will make things blue birds and waterfalls 🙂 This is scary to write and admit that I need a little crutch at the moment. If I am going to get better and stay sane in my life, my head, my heart, and my journey, I need to own it. It is ok to have a little help.

Other rituals I have started to help with my mood in conjunction with Zoloft:

-Taking fish oil with DHA, which I have read and heard from a good friend, helps with mood and depression.

-I have started listening to nightly meditations before going to bed to help me relax and fall asleep easier. {thanks Justine for the great advice in your book}

-Opening all my blinds in the morning to let the sunshine in. My doctor told me that starting your day off with a little bit of sunlight helps with happiness all day long.

-Cutting back on the caffeine. Now, I am not a big caffeine drinker, I only have a half a cup in the morning and I may get a Starbucks in the after noon and drink half, but doctor told me I should not be drinking caffeine after 2pm. So I will be giving that up.

-No boozing. Ok maybe I will have a glass of wine here or there. You aren’t really supposed to drink when taking Z, so I am going to try and follow that as good as I can!

-Step up my exercise routine. I am climbing 2 days a week, but I need to be going at least 3 along with cardio. I am hoping Z will help step up my motivation.

Z isn’t an instant fix. It will take a couple weeks to feel its full effects. I am just hoping it will be as my friend put it…”It’s like waking up one morning to the most beautiful sunshiny day, when all you have been seeing for weeks is the biggest thunder storm.”





I’m a big fat chicken. Let’s back up…

Last night hubs and I were planning on attending this new Love and Loss Support group at our old church. It is a support group for couples dealing with loss of a baby, miscarriage, stillbirths, or infertility. My husbands parents sent us the flyer and thought it might be beneficial to us. I was excited at first about the opportunity to come together with other couples dealing with similar issues as we are, but when I got to thinking I pretty much over analyzed the whole thing and freaked myself about before ever getting there. Hence, why I am a chicken.

I felt like my “loss” would not be as big as other couples. I have never been pregnant or carried a baby full term to have it lost or have had a miscarriage or worse.

I felt like we were going to be the only ones suffering from infertility and people were going to judge that we didn’t really understand what loss was.

I was scared that we were going to be breaking up into groups- men and women- and I wouldn’t have my husband there for the support I need.

I was scared to hear sad, sad stories that may frighten me into not ever wanting kids. We forget that getting pregnant is really only the first tiny step. So much more comes after.

I was scared of being categorized.

I was willing to go if my husband was all into it, but he said he wanted to be there to support me and that he wanted to go if I wanted to. Ball in my court. Dang. I wanted him to be like, “Yes Rikki we are going. It will be good for us.” Since I didn’t get that I rationalized with myself all day. Going back and forth, back and forth. I finally decided I wasn’t really that into going… or so I think…

I really have felt stronger and better the last week or so. I feel like I have turned a corner and that each day is getting easier. I haven’t had the gut-punch feeling when I see a pregnant girl or hear an announcement. I haven’t felt that twinge of jealously when I hang around my friends and their kids. I am actually enjoying my childfree existence. I have been activity trying to be positive and participate in things that make me feel good. Writing this blog helps. Exercising and focusing that energy on my body and health helps. Not talking about infertility helps. Being outside helps. I even made it into the baby section at Nordstrom Rack yesterday to pick out some outfits for my new niece {this is a HUGE step people}. I couldn’t bring myself to buy anything, but it was a big step to just go look. In doing all these things I feel like I am well on my way to “recovery”.

If this support group would have fallen into my hands a month ago I would have been all over it. I almost felt that by going it would have set me backwards. I feel like I am doing things to manage my sadness in a positive way. I feel like hubs and I are getting on the right track with each other again. I didn’t want to go to this group and focus on sadness and what is not. I am past that {at the moment}. I know I could have possibly learned other ways to cope, I know my story may have helped another {maybe}, and another’s story may have helped me. I think I was being the judgey one by not giving it a chance or assuming it was going to go a certain way. I know I was trying to talk myself out of going the whole time out of fear… BUT at the moment I am happy {most of the time} where we are…. at least that is what I am telling myself so I don’t seem like such a chicken…

love and loss