God. you’re silly.

God must be testing me or just playing jokes on me for a good laugh.

Hubs and I haven’t been to church in a while so we decided its probably time to get back in the saddle. It happens sometimes. We go through phases of going to church every Sunday and then not stepping foot into church for months.

It is weird, I have not been to church since I got baptized. I’m sure it is an unspoken rule that once you get baptized you should be a devout Christian who goes to church every Sunday, but for some reason I have felt the opposite. My heart is still open and full, but there is a disconnect in me for some reason. Ever since I was baptized I haven’t been praying much, we haven’t gone to church, we haven’t had a dialog surrounding God or spirituality. Subconsciously or not maybe I felt like I could drop the ball a little in that department since I am now part of the family. NOT. I know now more than ever we need to have the same commitment we had before. So game on.

Anyways back to the story. Last Sunday we go to church. We were a little early so we had our choice of where we wanted to sit. We picked the middle, right side of the gym. As worship started and people started filing in next to us, I couldn’t help but notice that every person that came to sit in our section was either pregnant or had a newborn. I was like a future baby mama magnet. LITERALLY. Every couple and women who sat to our left, right, back, and front had a sundress on snuggly covering their plump baby bellies. And 2 couples behind us had their cute little newborns all wrapped up. What a hoot. If that isn’t a test of ones progress I don’t know what is. Of course I had to point this out to hubs, who thought it was funny, and surprisingly I didn’t feel like I needed to run and sit at the other end of the gym with all the high schooler’s and middle aged couples.

I am proud of myself for staying positive. I am proud of myself for not falling apart. I am proud of myself for not running. I am proud of myself for placing all of my emotions into a place bigger than myself.

You’re silly universe. Thanks for showing me I am stronger than I think I am.

 

Advertisements
Standard

#100happydays

Obviously I didn’t do any better on posting my #100happydays week by week! Soooo here are a bunch of pictures that make me happy from days 24-34… Enjoy xoxo

Standard

Really?

I’m sorry but isn’t a Support Group supposed to be about people gathering with the like minded? Or people going through the same thing?

I decided to give that good ole support group another shot and it was going to start tonight- until I got an email. The coordinator emailed to say “FYI I am pregnant! I understand if this is a trigger for you, it used to be mine a few years ago and I wanted to give you a heads up so you didn’t walk into an uncomfortable situation.” Although I appreciate the thoughtfulness I’m a little annoyed. I wouldn’t say I am bummed or sad- yippie I am doing well in my recovery! But I would say I am annoyed and disappointed. I thought I was finally going to find a safe place to share in grief, compassion, and faith.

Her starting and being in this support group while being pregnant is a little contradictory and frustrating to me. It’s like going to AA as a current drinker. “I used to be sober, so I totally know what you are going through. I just know how to deal with it now.”

Needless to say, no support group tonight.

Side note:: We are headed to Napa next week for our 4 year anniversary! My parents are tagging along as well as my two best friends and their beaus. I’m excited to announce none are pregnant which means lots of wine will be consumed. Crossing fingers that the earthquake didn’t steal all the wine and there will be some left for us!

Standard

WOW I have really slacked off. Here are things that make me happy Day 8::Day 23.

They are not in order and I can’t remember which days are which right now because of my lacking organization skills on this project and slackation, so instead I will just post the pictures and tell you why it makes me happy 🙂 I will be better next week!

rug

new rug for a bargain. dorie loves it too.

14794901028_07c4f2f4c9_m

doing what I love.

14794833030_830d580bd5_m

fridays.

14794837920_377bbf375f_m

target. enough said.

14794847110_abe5de0aa0_m

watching the sunset from the hammocks.

14794903898_0dbf0895f0_m

my chix.

14794898538_d2953189dc_m

moscow mules by the pool.

14794893408_716600ec5b_m

a fresh mani/pedi.

14958515276_bc4acc2d6c_m

watching the hunger games with aunt sherri.

14958516816_ac05ce0375_m

evenings at the bungalow.

14978418021_d3ae3df420_m

getting to work with this PYT.

14981146772_b43b80b234_m

mom & hubs working in the yard together.

14981149122_9349ae4e2d_m

spontaneous movie & sushi date nights.

14981164202_546efe676a_m

sundays.

14958529436_0f5124516a_m

sharkweek!

 

#100happydays

Gallery

10-ish Things Fun Enough To Cheer Up Infertiles::

Reblogged from Dog’s Aren’t Kids:

Infertiles are the most angry, bitter, resentful, bitchy, pissed off, and judgmental people in the world. And since “God” made us this way, I blame her. Yes her.

That being said, it takes a lot to cheer us up. Like a lot, a lot. None of this “Awww it’s just a bad day, not a bad life” shit. You shut your whore mouth. A bad day? Stubbing your toe is a bad day. Getting a flat tire is a bad day. Infertility is a bad life.

Basically, this list is made of magic. And because I created it, I’m like Tinkerbell. Oh! I’m totally like Tinkerbell. She can be a real, moody bitch.

1. Alcohol. All kinds of alcohol. Beer, wine, champagne, the hard stuff, the fruity stuff, the cheap stuff. Since it’s a depressant, you will feel like pure shit after it wears off, so probably you should just take a shot every couple hours to be safe.

2. Coloring. But it has to be a real coloring book with a real box of crayons. No printed shit, and no colored pencils. Those are for children. Crayons are for real adults with real problems.

3. Remind yourself that pregnant women can’t run. So if there is a zombie apocalypse or a modern version of The Hunger Games, you can just push them over and keep on running.

4. Pick your nose and eat it. In public. The reactions you get will distract you for a solid 10 minutes.

5. Start singing the theme song for “Fresh Prince of Bel Air” and feel accomplished when you realize you still know it. Then feel sad when you realize Uncle Phil just died 😦 But then take another shot and feel happy again.

6. Cocaine.

7. Just kidding.

8. Remind yourself you’re not dying. Unless you are. Then I’m sorry and you need an entirely different list.

9. Have some sex? I don’t know. I’m running out of ideas. How about tell your spouse you want to eat things off of them, you know.. as a fun sex thing? Eat all the things, then “accidentally” fall asleep from the food coma. That seems fun.

10. If you don’t drink or eat delicious things or do drugs or don’t like fun, then you’re hopeless and there is no help for you. Go cry in a closet somewhere.

Byeeeee!

Fresh-Prince-Of-Bel-Air-the-fresh-prince-of-bel-air

{I inserted this amazing gif. thanks.}

 

Standard

FYI Did you know that using artificial light at night can effect your fertility?

Daaanggg put those iPads, iPhones, iPods, and laptops down. This includes any light that you may sleep with- aka the tv or night light can also effect fertility!

No wonder I’m not preggo yet.

20140807-193914-70754119.jpg

Image

My Enoughs. My Everythings.

Once again Thank You Justine Brooks for an amazing article and hitting me in all the right places…

We all have enough and everythings in our lives. Example: I have had enough of treating my body like crap, so I am going to start working out. I have done everything I can to mend my relationship with this person. Infertility or not, we all must define our own enoughs and everythings.

Have you done everything you can? Have you done everything you need to? 

Have you done enough? Have you lost enough? Have you suffered enough?

Justine says “that by defining my everythings and enoughs it will help me to let go, embrace and move forward with my life. We can apply these questions to many areas of our lives that we are struggling with. Infertility. Recovery. Relationships. Dreams. This list goes on and on. We all must remember that only we can define what is everything and when enough is enough. When we define these through others’ expectations or society or because it is “what we are supposed to do” it only comes from this place of shame; a place of not honoring ourselves. Our everythings and our enoughs can, and need to, only be defined within ourselves.”

So that is where I am at now. Hubs and I are taking a year to figure out what our everything and enough is. At the moment I do feel like I have reached my enough, although I do not feel like I have done everything I can in my fertility journey. I am sure my enoughs and everythings will change in the coming months. I hope that by meditating, praying, researching, relaxing, and evaluating my soul I will be one step closer to figuring what those are so I can lead a happy and healthy life.

“Only we define our enough and everything. And, our ever upward. To let go of comparison, especially in our sufferings and recovery, is to find our truth. Because we all suffer. We all lose. Hard is just hard. And, we all must practice our recovery. Trust in your truth. Trust in your everything. Trust in your enough. Because, within that trust you will be found.”

Pick up Justine’s book soon: “Ever Upward”

Standard