My Enoughs. My Everythings.

Once again Thank You Justine Brooks for an amazing article and hitting me in all the right places…

We all have enough and everythings in our lives. Example: I have had enough of treating my body like crap, so I am going to start working out. I have done everything I can to mend my relationship with this person. Infertility or not, we all must define our own enoughs and everythings.

Have you done everything you can? Have you done everything you need to? 

Have you done enough? Have you lost enough? Have you suffered enough?

Justine says “that by defining my everythings and enoughs it will help me to let go, embrace and move forward with my life. We can apply these questions to many areas of our lives that we are struggling with. Infertility. Recovery. Relationships. Dreams. This list goes on and on. We all must remember that only we can define what is everything and when enough is enough. When we define these through others’ expectations or society or because it is “what we are supposed to do” it only comes from this place of shame; a place of not honoring ourselves. Our everythings and our enoughs can, and need to, only be defined within ourselves.”

So that is where I am at now. Hubs and I are taking a year to figure out what our everything and enough is. At the moment I do feel like I have reached my enough, although I do not feel like I have done everything I can in my fertility journey. I am sure my enoughs and everythings will change in the coming months. I hope that by meditating, praying, researching, relaxing, and evaluating my soul I will be one step closer to figuring what those are so I can lead a happy and healthy life.

“Only we define our enough and everything. And, our ever upward. To let go of comparison, especially in our sufferings and recovery, is to find our truth. Because we all suffer. We all lose. Hard is just hard. And, we all must practice our recovery. Trust in your truth. Trust in your everything. Trust in your enough. Because, within that trust you will be found.”

Pick up Justine’s book soon: “Ever Upward”

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I’m Still Human.

It’s funny how people can make you feel less than human about not having children. Like it is a choice that I don’t have kids, or people assume I just don’t want kids because we have been married almost 4 years and don’t have any. Countless times I have had to say through clenched teeth ” no, no kids yet, but we want them.” I do hair for weddings and it seems like I have been getting the question a lot lately about having not having kids. {already society has an ideal of how life’s order should go. date, get engaged, get married, have babies.} What I really want to do is scream at them and say “well since you asked, we have been trying for almost 3 years with no success. I have gobbled countless meds, spread my legs to a handful of different doctors, been pricked with God knows how many needles and I am still here with no baby! Thanks for asking. Oh yeah. I suggest you start trying immediately because who knows how long it will take.”

I have been trying to put into words for months about how society has been making me feel about my “situation”. I could not pinpoint it until I read a couple of articles from fellow bloggers. Then it hit me. It’s perfect. What I am experiencing from society and even close friends is called the “Fertility Privilege”. Privilege is any societal advantage you hold because your skin color, your gender, your sexual identity, your able-bodiedness, your age, your class, your education, your language, or your religion are accepted and prioritized by dominant culture. Privilege means that there are benefits you enjoy – whether consciously or unconsciously, and that part’s really important – because of something about you that society values more than something else. Frequently these are things you were born with, or into.

So, that’s privilege. Now let’s talk about fertility privilege. Breeder privilege? I-can-get-knocked-up-and-carry-a-baby-to-term-and-successfully-push-it-out-of-my-vagina privilege? Or possibly I-can-knock-up-others-so-that-they-carry-and-successfully-deliever privilege? I can only express to you what it feels like to not be privileged in any of these categories. All around us commercials are telling us you aren’t complete until you get married, get a dog, have a baby, and then another. A constant stream of babies smiling and pooping fill my Facebook feed every minute. Friends and family make me feel like I have to have children to complete my life with my significant other. That just being happy in my marriage with our dog isn’t enough. I don’t want a baby to complete my family. I feel complete now. I want children to add to our family. To add to the joy and happiness we already posses with each other. It feels like the norm and the end all be all to happiness and value is baring a child- unless you are incapable of doing so, then those thoughts are what preoccupy your mind for most of the day.

So why are we making it the norm to put infertility on the backburner as if it is not a privilege to be able to birth a child? Why do we act like infertility doesn’t really exist and someday, yes someday, don’t worry you too will have a baby and be “normal”. People are really insensitive. Think about it… if you even had a few friends on Facebook who were severely disabled by missing limbs, you might think twice before you posted daily pics of your arms and how awesome and full of love and mystery and delight they are. You wouldn’t consistently ask that friend with no legs, “Hey did your limb grow back yet? Did you go to that great place and get a mani/pedi?” You might think twice if someone important to you had recently lost a spouse and you really wanted to post all your wedding pictures. Now I am not saying women should not be able to celebrate their children or pregnancies on an open podium, but I am trying to bring to light how things like this never really occur to us when it comes to infertility because fertility is an unexamined privilege.

So what should we do with unexamined privilege? We should examine it, to start with. We should take a look at what we’re putting out in the world and think about how it might effect others– those small, unconscious acts of verbal violence that we deal out without meaning to that make other people feel invisible, invalid, inhuman. We should not examine it and then say, “I have examined my privilege! Now stop being all disenfranchised at me! It’s making me uncomfortable!” We should continue to approach people with humility, empathy, and the firm understanding that we do not know what their experience is, just because we once had a brief moment of the same experience or we know someone who did.

So lets make a pact. Maybe we can all be a little more sensitive, a little more understanding, a little more aware.

Source: schrodingerscatbox {Thanks for being amazing.}

 

 

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Wanderlust

Another week. Another trip. I guess this is how I am dealing with the fact that I am unable to produce a babes. I have been pre-occupying my mind and body with travel so I don’t have time to be sad about my un-pregnated belly. San Felipe, to Santa Cruz to San Francisco, to stay-cationing at Mission Beach. Next on the list is Napa, Oregon, and hopefully DC before one of my best friends moves! I am also planning a 30th birthday to Puerto Rico next year. I may just travel for the rest of my life… This is actually a fantastic way to keep ones self busy and happy. I love love love to travel and I am fortunate enough that I am able to do so.

We should probably be saving our money for infertility purposes, but I just don’t want to right now! I don’t want to think about anything other than me, myself, and I… and Husband and Dorie Dog 🙂 You know that quote, “Not all that wander are lost.”? Well I want to get lost. I want my mind, body, and soul to get unequivocally lost for a while. It has felt so good lately to not have to be on any sort of schedule. I almost forgot what it was like to have sex to just have sex. I almost forgot how to have a normal conversation that didn’t involve any type of baby lingo. And damn. It feels good to just be a 20 something year old getting piss drunk with my husband on a Saturday night while skinny dipping in the moonlight.

Although I have been bitching a lot lately I know how blessed I am. I am blessed to have the resources to pursue other options with fertility. I am blessed to have such supportive family and friends. I am blessed to have a roof over my head. I am blessed to have a puppy who snuggles. I am blessed with a job that gives me freedom to do the things I love. I am blessed to have a loving husband. I am blessed to be able to get lost for just a little while in a new adventure…

wanderlust

 

 

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Right before I got Dunked! It’s official. I got baptized last night and it was a truly amazing experience. It was the perfect San Diego evening at the beach. My Pastor Matt got to be the one to perform it. My dearest family and friends were there to support me, along with so many others from Flood. I wouldn’t have had it any other way. Casual, at the beach, sand in my toes, salt in my hair, in my jean shorts. Thank you for the showering of love and support. It is more than I ever expected. I am so happy to be a part of this amazing family. xoxo brothers + sisters.

dunking.

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MY{notmy}Body + Infertility

So I don’t know if this happened to ya’ll who are struggling with infertility or just me, but I got fat while I have been trying to conceive {and I’m not talking about the phat- pretty, hot, and temping kind 😉}. I know that isn’t a good positive word to use in reference to my body, but it’s harsh and the truth. Between the stress of trying to get preggo {I am not one of those lucky ones who get rail thin, I am the kind that ends of looking like a marshmallow}, scarfing down and injecting myself with different medications {I feel like a lab rat}, being told not to have a strenuous workout routine- or start one because it could effect getting pregnant, and overall just focusing on trying to get pregnant and enjoying it, I am definitely not at my “happy” weight. I have become soft in places I didn’t know existed and have moved into a bra size too high in the alphabet. I can’t continue to blame it all on oh I might be pregnant this month or my 10 pound boobs. Being a little overweight may even be causing my unexplained infertility.

It has been a long time since I have felt like my body is my own. I haven’t had claim over it in well over 2 years. Well body I am ready to take you back! {Sorry honey I know you like curvy women, but I really think you just tell me that to be nice and supportive}. Focusing my non-baby making energy on something healthy, happy, and positive has had me more motivated than ever to get my body to its happy place. My goals:

– Loose 15lbs by October 26 {My birthday!}

– Get my BMI down by 7%

– Get moving! Do something I enjoy cardio wise 5 times a week. This can be swimming, walking, rock climbing, gardening, cleaning out my garage, anything that has my heart pumpin’ and sweat rollin’

– Do yoga once a week

– Eat healthier. We are not focusing on this just yet since I eat pretty well. I am mostly focusing on getting into a workout routine, which I have not committedly done in 3 years. EEEkkkkk

For now these are my short term goals. Not too many because I want them to seem real and attainable. A special thanks to my sis in law Angie who is working with me. She is starting a new business and I am her guiney pig. If anyone is interested in private personal/health training- its honestly more than just that- please let me know!

I would love to be held accountable and I would love it if anyone {in the San Diego area} is interested in being a walking, yoga, or gym buddy. Obviously there will be wine or coffee involved after our workout for positive reinforcement! Readyyyy GO!

workout

 

 

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Great Article

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I came across this very relatable article online by resolve.org… So yeah be nice to us!!!

Why Can’t I Get Pregnant? The Emotional Impact of Unexplained Infertility

 

By Victoria Hopewell
Published in Resolve for the journey and beyond, Winter 2011

You and your partner have just been punched––you have been told that you are among the twenty percent of couples who suffer from “unexplained infertility.” That news is devastating. It hits you both in belly and heart. How can there not be a reason? You’re right back where you started, a year or two or three ago. Once again you are in the dark. Infertility without explanation in the twenty-first century feels as if you have been told that you have bubonic plague in the Middle Ages and no one knows why.

Your anxiety increases because no one can identify the cause. Even if the result of those interminable, painful, intrusive tests had been that you or your partner could not have a biological child, at least then you could grieve and move on. You feel powerless to act because you do not know what the problem is or how to correct it. Your sense of hopelessness and immobilization brings with it a greater risk for depression. No surprise––anxiety and depression are the two predominant emotional reactions for the diagnosis of unexplained infertility (Wischmann et al.,1998).

You find it more stressful to talk with the family and friends who might provide much-needed support because you have no answers for them. You are not alone. One study found that the couples with no clear etiology for infertility experienced the most social strain (Smith et al., 2009). In another study, even three years after failed IVF attempts, couples with unexplained infertility were found to have unresolved grief and to be haunted by their inability to explain to others and themselves why they could not become pregnant (Volgsten et al., 2010). The researchers concluded that counseling might be needed to help couples deal with the ambiguity of their situation. Counseling also can help those with unexplained infertility focus on other life areas that are controllable and that provide a sense of efficacy and well-being (Paul et al., 2010).

In my own baby quest, I developed a bad case of “delusions of eggdeur” when my hormone levels were good and I passed my hysterosalpingogram with flying colors¬¬ — that pretty-in-pink procedure where the doctor shot pink dye throughout my reproductive system to make sure that the passages were clear. After I had optimistically tried IVF five times with my own eggs and failed, the loss was even more traumatic. I had been positive that I would succeed since the doctors had found no physical roadblocks on my path to pregnancy. After all those doomed attempts, the phrase that I kept repeating was from Shakespeare’s Macbeth: “full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.”

Why can’t we get pregnant? That may remain the unsolved mystery that a couple needs to accept. Then you can decide how to proceed while living with the unknown. Some couples with unexplained infertility will become pregnant on their own (Guzick, 2000). Even without knowing what is the matter, modern medicine can offer other baby- making opportunities and the possibility of a successful outcome (Guzick, 2000). I myself journeyed toward acceptance of using a donor egg. Making choices along the baby route leads to a sense of empowerment, and it can help to overcome the anxiety and depression that often accompany the unexplained infertility diagnosis.

 

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Post 12.

Yesterday was awful. Just awful.

Let me back up. It all started on Monday evening. I am 11dpiui and should not be getting Aunt Flow until Saturday. I started to have a tiny bit of brown spotting. I was really excited because I NEVER spot between periods and I always have a 28 day cycle. So of course I am thinking “implantation bleeding!!” It came and went and was hardly anything.

Yesterday I woke up and I had started spotting again, this time a little bit more and a little more pink, but it was still on and off. I decided to call my Dr. and see if I could come in for a beta {blood pregnancy test} and progesterone test just to see what was going on. I would either know if I was preggo or know if I wasn’t, and find out if my progesterone may be low which can cause spotting. {this was after I had caved and spent at least an hour researching implantation bleeding, twins and implantation bleeding, etc. online.} So the Doc says that if I come in by 12:00pm I could get my results later that afternoon. I had called at 10:45am and it takes me 45mins to get to the office! Flash to me throwing on clothes, jumping in the car, and driving 80 down the freeway. I was feeling very anxious and on the verge of tears for some reason. This was going to be it. I was going to find out today if I was pregnant or not.

So after they took a vile of blood, I had the afternoon to wait… and wait… and wait… Surprisingly I had less anxiety waiting to hear from the doctor than I did before getting my blood drawn. At 4:00pm I got the call. The call that I braced myself to hear, but didn’t want to accept. Negative. Your test is negative. You are not pregnant. You have an empty womb. The back to back IUI’s didn’t work. All that money and time and shots was for nothing…. After the Dr. told me the test was negative he said that it is still early.  He really wants me to wait until Saturday to test again. He didn’t want to get my hopes up, but because I am having very little spotting and no cramps he wants me to stay on the progesterone and test at home on Saturday to make sure. This could be implantation bleeding… I didn’t even know what to say. I still don’t.

I have so many emotions. I thought I was strong. I thought that I had it together. I thought I was ok with whatever was meant to be will be. But I don’t know now. I really just wanted a straight forward answer today. Now I have to wait 3 more days to see another negative pregnancy test. I can feel it. It is such an emotional roller coaster and I wish I could jump off. I am so ovvverrrrrr itttttt! Sorry to be a Debbie Downer, but today is an off day and I guess that is ok.

 

**UPDATE**

As I was getting ready for bed last night Aunt Flow came on full force- or so I thought… This morning when I woke up all there was, was a little bit of brown in the Tammy! – I know TMI… So now I don’t know what to think. I thought I was out so I did not take my progesterone. I actually felt better knowing for sure this cycle was done, but now I am more confused than ever on what my body is doing. I am not used to having abnormal cycles. Sooooo overrrrr it!!! Oh ya. I already said that.

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