What Now…

I can’t believe our journey is over… for now anyways. With our second failed IUI we have decided to cool it for awhile and enjoy life together. For us the next steps in trying to have a baby will come at a great cost and lots of major decisions. I don’t think hubs and I are ready for all that right now. I am definitely taking time to grieve and be sad, but I am not letting it control my life.

Ways to console ones self:

* buy a new handbag. I bought hubs bought me a new Kate Spade purse and wallet that I have been wanting for a long time. I even got a cream colored one since I won’t be having a baby that will spit up or poop on it anytime soon.

* get a new car. Yes we bought a new car. All the bells and whistles. I am in LOVE. { thanks bro and sis in law} I am making up excuses to drive it everywhere. “Honey are you sure you don’t need me to run to Target again?”

* get a chocolate malt from Cold Stone. Chocolate helps everything. It may be the cause of some of my woes, but it is the cure as well.

* dance your booty off. We had a wedding yesterday and it was great to just let it all out on the dance floor.

* drink more wine than usual. Have 4 glasses instead of 2.

* tan it out. Vitamin D is good for the soul.

* convince hubs we need another puppy. Dorie dog for sure needs a fur brother or sister.

Hubs was sweet and brought me flowers and a card when everything went down, but we really hadn’t had a conversation about what’s next. As we were sitting at the pool yesterday in silence Hubs says, “We are so blessed.” He went on to point out all the good we have in our life, how fortunate we are to have such a loving and caring family, how blessed we are to have a beautiful home, and how lucky we are to have found love with each other. That is all enough for me, he said. He told me he loves me no matter what, and that if we never have children he will still love me the same {even when I am acting like a poop sandwich}… I realized he was right. We have soooo much to be thankful for.

I am looking forward to focusing on myself. I am looking forward to focusing on my husband. I am looking forward to not peeing on a stick every day of my life, and not reading pregnancy forums, and not being stressed about “is this the month?!”, and not laying in bed for 30 minutes after the deed with my legs in the air, and not having some doctor be up in my privates every week. Most importantly, I am looking forward to having sex with my husband whenever I want to just because I want to! I don’t know what the future holds for us. I don’t know how our journey with infertility will end. All I know is that I kind of can’t wait for what is next.

moveon

 

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Post 12.

Yesterday was awful. Just awful.

Let me back up. It all started on Monday evening. I am 11dpiui and should not be getting Aunt Flow until Saturday. I started to have a tiny bit of brown spotting. I was really excited because I NEVER spot between periods and I always have a 28 day cycle. So of course I am thinking “implantation bleeding!!” It came and went and was hardly anything.

Yesterday I woke up and I had started spotting again, this time a little bit more and a little more pink, but it was still on and off. I decided to call my Dr. and see if I could come in for a beta {blood pregnancy test} and progesterone test just to see what was going on. I would either know if I was preggo or know if I wasn’t, and find out if my progesterone may be low which can cause spotting. {this was after I had caved and spent at least an hour researching implantation bleeding, twins and implantation bleeding, etc. online.} So the Doc says that if I come in by 12:00pm I could get my results later that afternoon. I had called at 10:45am and it takes me 45mins to get to the office! Flash to me throwing on clothes, jumping in the car, and driving 80 down the freeway. I was feeling very anxious and on the verge of tears for some reason. This was going to be it. I was going to find out today if I was pregnant or not.

So after they took a vile of blood, I had the afternoon to wait… and wait… and wait… Surprisingly I had less anxiety waiting to hear from the doctor than I did before getting my blood drawn. At 4:00pm I got the call. The call that I braced myself to hear, but didn’t want to accept. Negative. Your test is negative. You are not pregnant. You have an empty womb. The back to back IUI’s didn’t work. All that money and time and shots was for nothing…. After the Dr. told me the test was negative he said that it is still early.  He really wants me to wait until Saturday to test again. He didn’t want to get my hopes up, but because I am having very little spotting and no cramps he wants me to stay on the progesterone and test at home on Saturday to make sure. This could be implantation bleeding… I didn’t even know what to say. I still don’t.

I have so many emotions. I thought I was strong. I thought that I had it together. I thought I was ok with whatever was meant to be will be. But I don’t know now. I really just wanted a straight forward answer today. Now I have to wait 3 more days to see another negative pregnancy test. I can feel it. It is such an emotional roller coaster and I wish I could jump off. I am so ovvverrrrrr itttttt! Sorry to be a Debbie Downer, but today is an off day and I guess that is ok.

 

**UPDATE**

As I was getting ready for bed last night Aunt Flow came on full force- or so I thought… This morning when I woke up all there was, was a little bit of brown in the Tammy! – I know TMI… So now I don’t know what to think. I thought I was out so I did not take my progesterone. I actually felt better knowing for sure this cycle was done, but now I am more confused than ever on what my body is doing. I am not used to having abnormal cycles. Sooooo overrrrr it!!! Oh ya. I already said that.

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