the dream.

I have never put this down into words and I very rarely talk about it because I believe in the law of attraction and I am also a little superstitious. But here it is because I need to know what you believe…

When hubs and I first started our journey into baby making {about 3 years ago} I had a very vivid dream one night. This dream came to me when I started to figure out we might have a problem conceiving because it had been a year of trying with no success.

//I am walking through what seems like a field. It was a bit hilly with grass and some sparse trees. It is a sunny day maybe a couple cotton ball clouds in the sky. Along this field is a low brick or rock wall, kind of like a fence running along where I am walking. All of a sudden I stop and bend down to pick up a loose rock that looks out of place in the wall, but it turns into a brick. As I pick it up I see that the underside of the brick has a note carved into it. It says: You will never carry your own children. GOD.// That is all. That is the dream.

Freakkkkky right? I really don’t know what to make of this dream. Was this God really talking to me and trying to tell me something? Was God giving me the sign I had been praying for? Or is this the Devil trying to mess with me? Or my mind playing to tricks on me because I was very stressed out at the time about all things fertility? I am a Christian. I am a spiritual. I have talked to God a lot in my life, but God has not ever spoke to me in this way, if this is what it is. I don’t want to believe that this letter or note from God is true. I want to think it was just my dreams playing tricks on me, but a part of me feels that this really may be a sign. I have never stopped thinking about this dream. It is always there in the back of my mind, tapping me whenever we have a failed IUI or Aunt Flow makes her monthly visit.

So do I heed the warning of this dream and make preparations for having children in another way or do I keep on this path of trying to conceive my own baby in my own body? I am at a loss on this one. Is this truly a sign from God?

rock wall

Advertisements
Standard

I’m Still Human.

It’s funny how people can make you feel less than human about not having children. Like it is a choice that I don’t have kids, or people assume I just don’t want kids because we have been married almost 4 years and don’t have any. Countless times I have had to say through clenched teeth ” no, no kids yet, but we want them.” I do hair for weddings and it seems like I have been getting the question a lot lately about having not having kids. {already society has an ideal of how life’s order should go. date, get engaged, get married, have babies.} What I really want to do is scream at them and say “well since you asked, we have been trying for almost 3 years with no success. I have gobbled countless meds, spread my legs to a handful of different doctors, been pricked with God knows how many needles and I am still here with no baby! Thanks for asking. Oh yeah. I suggest you start trying immediately because who knows how long it will take.”

I have been trying to put into words for months about how society has been making me feel about my “situation”. I could not pinpoint it until I read a couple of articles from fellow bloggers. Then it hit me. It’s perfect. What I am experiencing from society and even close friends is called the “Fertility Privilege”. Privilege is any societal advantage you hold because your skin color, your gender, your sexual identity, your able-bodiedness, your age, your class, your education, your language, or your religion are accepted and prioritized by dominant culture. Privilege means that there are benefits you enjoy – whether consciously or unconsciously, and that part’s really important – because of something about you that society values more than something else. Frequently these are things you were born with, or into.

So, that’s privilege. Now let’s talk about fertility privilege. Breeder privilege? I-can-get-knocked-up-and-carry-a-baby-to-term-and-successfully-push-it-out-of-my-vagina privilege? Or possibly I-can-knock-up-others-so-that-they-carry-and-successfully-deliever privilege? I can only express to you what it feels like to not be privileged in any of these categories. All around us commercials are telling us you aren’t complete until you get married, get a dog, have a baby, and then another. A constant stream of babies smiling and pooping fill my Facebook feed every minute. Friends and family make me feel like I have to have children to complete my life with my significant other. That just being happy in my marriage with our dog isn’t enough. I don’t want a baby to complete my family. I feel complete now. I want children to add to our family. To add to the joy and happiness we already posses with each other. It feels like the norm and the end all be all to happiness and value is baring a child- unless you are incapable of doing so, then those thoughts are what preoccupy your mind for most of the day.

So why are we making it the norm to put infertility on the backburner as if it is not a privilege to be able to birth a child? Why do we act like infertility doesn’t really exist and someday, yes someday, don’t worry you too will have a baby and be “normal”. People are really insensitive. Think about it… if you even had a few friends on Facebook who were severely disabled by missing limbs, you might think twice before you posted daily pics of your arms and how awesome and full of love and mystery and delight they are. You wouldn’t consistently ask that friend with no legs, “Hey did your limb grow back yet? Did you go to that great place and get a mani/pedi?” You might think twice if someone important to you had recently lost a spouse and you really wanted to post all your wedding pictures. Now I am not saying women should not be able to celebrate their children or pregnancies on an open podium, but I am trying to bring to light how things like this never really occur to us when it comes to infertility because fertility is an unexamined privilege.

So what should we do with unexamined privilege? We should examine it, to start with. We should take a look at what we’re putting out in the world and think about how it might effect others– those small, unconscious acts of verbal violence that we deal out without meaning to that make other people feel invisible, invalid, inhuman. We should not examine it and then say, “I have examined my privilege! Now stop being all disenfranchised at me! It’s making me uncomfortable!” We should continue to approach people with humility, empathy, and the firm understanding that we do not know what their experience is, just because we once had a brief moment of the same experience or we know someone who did.

So lets make a pact. Maybe we can all be a little more sensitive, a little more understanding, a little more aware.

Source: schrodingerscatbox {Thanks for being amazing.}

 

 

Standard

Post 19.

I have been MIA in life lately. It has been a rough go the past couple of weeks. I am annoyed at everyone and everything.

Things have been snowballing for me since last week. There are some factors that may have caused this to happen, but I rather not go into it here. I keep forgetting it has only been a little over a month since our last attempt at IUI failed. I forget it has only been 5 weeks since I accepted the fact that we were taking a little time off. I forget that it has only been 35 days since I was told “you are not pregnant”. That number is a little ironic since we have been trying for 35 months now to conceive with no success. I try and remind myself that this isn’t a wound that is going to heal easily. It is going to take a lot of triple antibiotic and TLC.

I have been noticing some not so good behaviors that have started to intensify. My OCD cleanliness is at an all time high- I can at least control my surrounds if nothing else. I talk more shit about everyone else around me more than ever. I snap at the tiniest thing- I’m like a little Chihuahua. I feel angry and out of control. My inner mind is rambling on and on and I haven’t learned how to quiet it. I see this behavior. I acknowledge this behavior. Now comes the hard part: changing it.

I think the best thing I can do right now is continue with my workout routine. When the endorphins are flowing it is really hard to feel angry or sad and if I do, I put that into my training. I am feeling stronger physically and I hope this will relay to my emotional mind as well. I am also learning how to quiet my mind through meditations. Our inner voice{mind} tends to talk and talk and talk to us. It makes us worry about things that we can’t control. I am learning that no matter how much my inner voice{mind} worries about life’s different scenarios, or how much it bashes things, it will never change what is going to happen. Life will go on with its plan whether my mind says to or not.

I will try and stay positive. I will work on being my best self. And most importantly I will work on not getting down on myself for having bad days. Tomorrow is a new day…

Me post workout. “You will never regret a workout or sex.”- Angie Tieman. Best advice I got all week!

workout

 

 

 

Standard

Social Media. I loath You.

facebook-dislike-button1

Today. Today. Today. I don’t know why but I am bummin’ today. It surprises me that I am feeling so low when this week has been filled with such highs. I am accrediting my feelings to {anti}social media. Although it can be great, it can also be a source of pain, anxiety, and pressure when it comes to dealing with my infertility. The anxiety of getting on social media and seeing another baby bump. The pain of knowing it isn’t happening for me. The pressure of time and likeness.

Two women I follow on Instagram announced they were just finishing their first trimester of pregnancy. I don’t understand why today I feel jealous of them and sad. I thought I was being strong. I thought I had moved past these feelings. I thought I really didn’t care that we had decided to back off “trying” for a year. But for some reason all my negative feelings came rushing back into my gut this morning.

This is one reason I decided to get off Facebook back in January {lets be honest, it only lasted a few months.} I just couldn’t take one more person posting a sonogram picture of their alien baby saying “I’M PREGNANT!” without almost throwing my iPhone across the room or bad mouthing them to my husband. He was over it. I was over it. Social media is weird thing. Sometimes I wonder if I really want to be pregnant or if I just feel the pressure to want it because everyone in the world is doing it and I can’t. I have a serious case of FOMO {fear of missing out}. I find when I am not on social media or out and about I feel safe because I can control what my eyes see and my ears hear. I don’t ever have to see another person preggo because I am holed up in my little bubble {without Instagram or Facebook} watching Orange is the New Black and drinking a bottle of white. I know I can’t live a life like that. I can choose to shelter myself a little bit until my full coat of armor comes back, but I need to learn to cope with the fact that I cannot change the world around me. New life is going to sprout whether I like it or not. I need to come to the realization that I am going to have good days and bad days. My sadness is not just going to go away over night. It may take awhile for me to not want to bash my head against the wall next time I see someone else knocked up. That is ok.

So I am back on Facebook. What I have learned through my time away is that I don’t need to be checking peoples status updates every 5 seconds. I don’t need social media to control my emotions. I control my own happiness and emotions. And guess what? You can block status updates you don’t want to see- like when another one of my friends announces they are pregnant or they are oversharing pictures of their weird looking baby. They have no idea and we are both happy 🙂

 

 

 

Standard

Right before I got Dunked! It’s official. I got baptized last night and it was a truly amazing experience. It was the perfect San Diego evening at the beach. My Pastor Matt got to be the one to perform it. My dearest family and friends were there to support me, along with so many others from Flood. I wouldn’t have had it any other way. Casual, at the beach, sand in my toes, salt in my hair, in my jean shorts. Thank you for the showering of love and support. It is more than I ever expected. I am so happy to be a part of this amazing family. xoxo brothers + sisters.

dunking.

Image

MY{notmy}Body + Infertility

So I don’t know if this happened to ya’ll who are struggling with infertility or just me, but I got fat while I have been trying to conceive {and I’m not talking about the phat- pretty, hot, and temping kind 😉}. I know that isn’t a good positive word to use in reference to my body, but it’s harsh and the truth. Between the stress of trying to get preggo {I am not one of those lucky ones who get rail thin, I am the kind that ends of looking like a marshmallow}, scarfing down and injecting myself with different medications {I feel like a lab rat}, being told not to have a strenuous workout routine- or start one because it could effect getting pregnant, and overall just focusing on trying to get pregnant and enjoying it, I am definitely not at my “happy” weight. I have become soft in places I didn’t know existed and have moved into a bra size too high in the alphabet. I can’t continue to blame it all on oh I might be pregnant this month or my 10 pound boobs. Being a little overweight may even be causing my unexplained infertility.

It has been a long time since I have felt like my body is my own. I haven’t had claim over it in well over 2 years. Well body I am ready to take you back! {Sorry honey I know you like curvy women, but I really think you just tell me that to be nice and supportive}. Focusing my non-baby making energy on something healthy, happy, and positive has had me more motivated than ever to get my body to its happy place. My goals:

– Loose 15lbs by October 26 {My birthday!}

– Get my BMI down by 7%

– Get moving! Do something I enjoy cardio wise 5 times a week. This can be swimming, walking, rock climbing, gardening, cleaning out my garage, anything that has my heart pumpin’ and sweat rollin’

– Do yoga once a week

– Eat healthier. We are not focusing on this just yet since I eat pretty well. I am mostly focusing on getting into a workout routine, which I have not committedly done in 3 years. EEEkkkkk

For now these are my short term goals. Not too many because I want them to seem real and attainable. A special thanks to my sis in law Angie who is working with me. She is starting a new business and I am her guiney pig. If anyone is interested in private personal/health training- its honestly more than just that- please let me know!

I would love to be held accountable and I would love it if anyone {in the San Diego area} is interested in being a walking, yoga, or gym buddy. Obviously there will be wine or coffee involved after our workout for positive reinforcement! Readyyyy GO!

workout

 

 

Standard

Great Article

image

I came across this very relatable article online by resolve.org… So yeah be nice to us!!!

Why Can’t I Get Pregnant? The Emotional Impact of Unexplained Infertility

 

By Victoria Hopewell
Published in Resolve for the journey and beyond, Winter 2011

You and your partner have just been punched––you have been told that you are among the twenty percent of couples who suffer from “unexplained infertility.” That news is devastating. It hits you both in belly and heart. How can there not be a reason? You’re right back where you started, a year or two or three ago. Once again you are in the dark. Infertility without explanation in the twenty-first century feels as if you have been told that you have bubonic plague in the Middle Ages and no one knows why.

Your anxiety increases because no one can identify the cause. Even if the result of those interminable, painful, intrusive tests had been that you or your partner could not have a biological child, at least then you could grieve and move on. You feel powerless to act because you do not know what the problem is or how to correct it. Your sense of hopelessness and immobilization brings with it a greater risk for depression. No surprise––anxiety and depression are the two predominant emotional reactions for the diagnosis of unexplained infertility (Wischmann et al.,1998).

You find it more stressful to talk with the family and friends who might provide much-needed support because you have no answers for them. You are not alone. One study found that the couples with no clear etiology for infertility experienced the most social strain (Smith et al., 2009). In another study, even three years after failed IVF attempts, couples with unexplained infertility were found to have unresolved grief and to be haunted by their inability to explain to others and themselves why they could not become pregnant (Volgsten et al., 2010). The researchers concluded that counseling might be needed to help couples deal with the ambiguity of their situation. Counseling also can help those with unexplained infertility focus on other life areas that are controllable and that provide a sense of efficacy and well-being (Paul et al., 2010).

In my own baby quest, I developed a bad case of “delusions of eggdeur” when my hormone levels were good and I passed my hysterosalpingogram with flying colors¬¬ — that pretty-in-pink procedure where the doctor shot pink dye throughout my reproductive system to make sure that the passages were clear. After I had optimistically tried IVF five times with my own eggs and failed, the loss was even more traumatic. I had been positive that I would succeed since the doctors had found no physical roadblocks on my path to pregnancy. After all those doomed attempts, the phrase that I kept repeating was from Shakespeare’s Macbeth: “full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.”

Why can’t we get pregnant? That may remain the unsolved mystery that a couple needs to accept. Then you can decide how to proceed while living with the unknown. Some couples with unexplained infertility will become pregnant on their own (Guzick, 2000). Even without knowing what is the matter, modern medicine can offer other baby- making opportunities and the possibility of a successful outcome (Guzick, 2000). I myself journeyed toward acceptance of using a donor egg. Making choices along the baby route leads to a sense of empowerment, and it can help to overcome the anxiety and depression that often accompany the unexplained infertility diagnosis.

 

Standard