Today. Today. Today. I don’t know why but I am bummin’ today. It surprises me that I am feeling so low when this week has been filled with such highs. I am accrediting my feelings to {anti}social media. Although it can be great, it can also be a source of pain, anxiety, and pressure when it comes to dealing with my infertility. The anxiety of getting on social media and seeing another baby bump. The pain of knowing it isn’t happening for me. The pressure of time and likeness.

Two women I follow on Instagram announced they were just finishing their first trimester of pregnancy. I don’t understand why today I feel jealous of them and sad. I thought I was being strong. I thought I had moved past these feelings. I thought I really didn’t care that we had decided to back off “trying” for a year. But for some reason all my negative feelings came rushing back into my gut this morning.

This is one reason I decided to get off Facebook back in January {lets be honest, it only lasted a few months.} I just couldn’t take one more person posting a sonogram picture of their alien baby saying “I’M PREGNANT!” without almost throwing my iPhone across the room or bad mouthing them to my husband. He was over it. I was over it. Social media is weird thing. Sometimes I wonder if I really want to be pregnant or if I just feel the pressure to want it because everyone in the world is doing it and I can’t. I have a serious case of FOMO {fear of missing out}. I find when I am not on social media or out and about I feel safe because I can control what my eyes see and my ears hear. I don’t ever have to see another person preggo because I am holed up in my little bubble {without Instagram or Facebook} watching Orange is the New Black and drinking a bottle of white. I know I can’t live a life like that. I can choose to shelter myself a little bit until my full coat of armor comes back, but I need to learn to cope with the fact that I cannot change the world around me. New life is going to sprout whether I like it or not. I need to come to the realization that I am going to have good days and bad days. My sadness is not just going to go away over night. It may take awhile for me to not want to bash my head against the wall next time I see someone else knocked up. That is ok.

So I am back on Facebook. What I have learned through my time away is that I don’t need to be checking peoples status updates every 5 seconds. I don’t need social media to control my emotions. I control my own happiness and emotions. And guess what? You can block status updates you don’t want to see- like when another one of my friends announces they are pregnant or they are oversharing pictures of their weird looking baby. They have no idea and we are both happy 🙂