Tag Archives: sandiego

10-ish Things Fun Enough To Cheer Up Infertiles::

Reblogged from Dog’s Aren’t Kids:

Infertiles are the most angry, bitter, resentful, bitchy, pissed off, and judgmental people in the world. And since “God” made us this way, I blame her. Yes her.

That being said, it takes a lot to cheer us up. Like a lot, a lot. None of this “Awww it’s just a bad day, not a bad life” shit. You shut your whore mouth. A bad day? Stubbing your toe is a bad day. Getting a flat tire is a bad day. Infertility is a bad life.

Basically, this list is made of magic. And because I created it, I’m like Tinkerbell. Oh! I’m totally like Tinkerbell. She can be a real, moody bitch.

1. Alcohol. All kinds of alcohol. Beer, wine, champagne, the hard stuff, the fruity stuff, the cheap stuff. Since it’s a depressant, you will feel like pure shit after it wears off, so probably you should just take a shot every couple hours to be safe.

2. Coloring. But it has to be a real coloring book with a real box of crayons. No printed shit, and no colored pencils. Those are for children. Crayons are for real adults with real problems.

3. Remind yourself that pregnant women can’t run. So if there is a zombie apocalypse or a modern version of The Hunger Games, you can just push them over and keep on running.

4. Pick your nose and eat it. In public. The reactions you get will distract you for a solid 10 minutes.

5. Start singing the theme song for “Fresh Prince of Bel Air” and feel accomplished when you realize you still know it. Then feel sad when you realize Uncle Phil just died 😦 But then take another shot and feel happy again.

6. Cocaine.

7. Just kidding.

8. Remind yourself you’re not dying. Unless you are. Then I’m sorry and you need an entirely different list.

9. Have some sex? I don’t know. I’m running out of ideas. How about tell your spouse you want to eat things off of them, you know.. as a fun sex thing? Eat all the things, then “accidentally” fall asleep from the food coma. That seems fun.

10. If you don’t drink or eat delicious things or do drugs or don’t like fun, then you’re hopeless and there is no help for you. Go cry in a closet somewhere.

Byeeeee!

Fresh-Prince-Of-Bel-Air-the-fresh-prince-of-bel-air

{I inserted this amazing gif. thanks.}

 

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My Enoughs. My Everythings.

Once again Thank You Justine Brooks for an amazing article and hitting me in all the right places…

We all have enough and everythings in our lives. Example: I have had enough of treating my body like crap, so I am going to start working out. I have done everything I can to mend my relationship with this person. Infertility or not, we all must define our own enoughs and everythings.

Have you done everything you can? Have you done everything you need to? 

Have you done enough? Have you lost enough? Have you suffered enough?

Justine says “that by defining my everythings and enoughs it will help me to let go, embrace and move forward with my life. We can apply these questions to many areas of our lives that we are struggling with. Infertility. Recovery. Relationships. Dreams. This list goes on and on. We all must remember that only we can define what is everything and when enough is enough. When we define these through others’ expectations or society or because it is “what we are supposed to do” it only comes from this place of shame; a place of not honoring ourselves. Our everythings and our enoughs can, and need to, only be defined within ourselves.”

So that is where I am at now. Hubs and I are taking a year to figure out what our everything and enough is. At the moment I do feel like I have reached my enough, although I do not feel like I have done everything I can in my fertility journey. I am sure my enoughs and everythings will change in the coming months. I hope that by meditating, praying, researching, relaxing, and evaluating my soul I will be one step closer to figuring what those are so I can lead a happy and healthy life.

“Only we define our enough and everything. And, our ever upward. To let go of comparison, especially in our sufferings and recovery, is to find our truth. Because we all suffer. We all lose. Hard is just hard. And, we all must practice our recovery. Trust in your truth. Trust in your everything. Trust in your enough. Because, within that trust you will be found.”

Pick up Justine’s book soon: “Ever Upward”

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Dogs Aren’t Kids

{This post is inspired by new favorite bloggers name…}

I have been thinking lately about our pets, mainly dog pets. Aka furbabies, aka granddogger, aka bitch, aka mans best friend. And how they become part of our families, how they become like our babies, how they fill that snuggle spot and comfort us in times of need.

Many people literally treat their dogs like they are their kids.

They get mad at you when your dog snips at their out of control kid dog.

They throw outrageous birthday parties for their kids dogs.

They dress their kids dogs up.

They feed their kids dogs the most expensive high end food.

They get defensive about their kid dog if you say something critical.

They throw balls and Frisbees for their kids dogs.

They snuggle with their kids dogs.

They play with their kids dogs.

They whisper sweet nothings into their kids dogs ears.

They pick up after their kids dogs.

They kiss their kids dogs.

They take pictures of their kids dogs and post them on instagram.

They clean up their kids dogs shit.

 

At the end of the day most of us know a dog isn’t a kid, no matter how much we might treat them like they are a missing limb. A dog is a dog is a dog {and ya’ll know I am a dog person and this is coming from someone without kids, with a dog}.  It’s funny how the same friends who once treated their dogs like kids have suddenly forgotten about the love they had for their kid dog once they have actual kids. Almost over night after having babies their once beloved pet becomes 2nd hand news. They fall to the wayside. How easy it is to forget the love of our precious mates. {Don’t worry give them all to me so I can start a small kid dog farm. Hubs would love that}.

For me, I love my dog and I try to relate to my mom friends by somewhat comparing my Dorie to their baby. People don’t like this very much and the conversation usually goes something like this:

“Ugh. You know what really bugs me? When so-and-so compares her dog to my kid. Or when so-and-so refers to his or her dog as his or her kid. Dogs are not kids! She has NO IDEA what it means to have a kid!”  You know what? Unless “so-and-so” needs professional help, I guarantee “so-and-so” knows that her dog is not a human child. She also knows that having a dog is nothing like having a kid. What she’s really saying is “Oh! Yes. I also have something in my life that shits on things AND brings me joy.” She is trying to relate to you and be a part of your life — the life where all you do is talk about your kids. I know that it’s hard to relate when you have kids and your friends don’t. What were once close relationships can become sporadic meet-ups where you do your best to try and catch up with someone with whom you have very little in common anymore. Sure, you two were best buds in college, but now you have very different lives. So, when “so-and-so” offhandedly, and perhaps awkwardly, tries to relate to your story about picking poo out of your bangs by comparing it to scraping dog shit out of the carpet, cut her some slack. She’s just trying to be nice. And she misses you. {thanks huffington post}

So we get it. Dogs are dogs. Kids are kids. But at the end of the day those little lovers where the first experience most of us had at  learning how to parent, love, discipline, and keep another living thing alive. So love the shit out of them.

Thanks.

doriedog

 

 

 

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chicken.

I’m a big fat chicken. Let’s back up…

Last night hubs and I were planning on attending this new Love and Loss Support group at our old church. It is a support group for couples dealing with loss of a baby, miscarriage, stillbirths, or infertility. My husbands parents sent us the flyer and thought it might be beneficial to us. I was excited at first about the opportunity to come together with other couples dealing with similar issues as we are, but when I got to thinking I pretty much over analyzed the whole thing and freaked myself about before ever getting there. Hence, why I am a chicken.

I felt like my “loss” would not be as big as other couples. I have never been pregnant or carried a baby full term to have it lost or have had a miscarriage or worse.

I felt like we were going to be the only ones suffering from infertility and people were going to judge that we didn’t really understand what loss was.

I was scared that we were going to be breaking up into groups- men and women- and I wouldn’t have my husband there for the support I need.

I was scared to hear sad, sad stories that may frighten me into not ever wanting kids. We forget that getting pregnant is really only the first tiny step. So much more comes after.

I was scared of being categorized.

I was willing to go if my husband was all into it, but he said he wanted to be there to support me and that he wanted to go if I wanted to. Ball in my court. Dang. I wanted him to be like, “Yes Rikki we are going. It will be good for us.” Since I didn’t get that I rationalized with myself all day. Going back and forth, back and forth. I finally decided I wasn’t really that into going… or so I think…

I really have felt stronger and better the last week or so. I feel like I have turned a corner and that each day is getting easier. I haven’t had the gut-punch feeling when I see a pregnant girl or hear an announcement. I haven’t felt that twinge of jealously when I hang around my friends and their kids. I am actually enjoying my childfree existence. I have been activity trying to be positive and participate in things that make me feel good. Writing this blog helps. Exercising and focusing that energy on my body and health helps. Not talking about infertility helps. Being outside helps. I even made it into the baby section at Nordstrom Rack yesterday to pick out some outfits for my new niece {this is a HUGE step people}. I couldn’t bring myself to buy anything, but it was a big step to just go look. In doing all these things I feel like I am well on my way to “recovery”.

If this support group would have fallen into my hands a month ago I would have been all over it. I almost felt that by going it would have set me backwards. I feel like I am doing things to manage my sadness in a positive way. I feel like hubs and I are getting on the right track with each other again. I didn’t want to go to this group and focus on sadness and what is not. I am past that {at the moment}. I know I could have possibly learned other ways to cope, I know my story may have helped another {maybe}, and another’s story may have helped me. I think I was being the judgey one by not giving it a chance or assuming it was going to go a certain way. I know I was trying to talk myself out of going the whole time out of fear… BUT at the moment I am happy {most of the time} where we are…. at least that is what I am telling myself so I don’t seem like such a chicken…

love and loss

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#100happydays

I have been seeing a lot of friends and fellow bloggers posting this #100HappyDays thing lately, so I decided to check it out. Needless to say I am starting today. I think this is a fantastic way to stay positive, thankful, and hopefully happier through this whole infertility mess.

So what is it?

We live in times when super-busy schedules have become something to boast about. While the speed of life increases, there is less and less time to enjoy the moment that you are in. The ability to appreciate the moment, the environment and yourself in it, is the base for the bridge towards long term happiness of any human being.  So what do you do? Every day submit a picture of what made you happy!  It can be anything from a meet-up with a friend to a very tasty cake in the nearby coffee place, from a feeling of being at home after a hard day, to a favor you did to a stranger.

#100happyday challenge is for you – not for anyone else.  It is not a happiness competition or a showing off contest. If you try to please/make others jealous via your pictures – you lose without even starting. Same goes for cheating.
I will be doing a blog post every week with the compellation of my #100happyday pics that I took during the week. You can also follow me on Instagram where I will be posting my 100days:: hairyago_rikki
I challenge you all to do your own #100happydays!
100happydays
Day 1: I am happy to be breathing. I rolled out of bed and took this picture. No makeup. I didn’t brush my teeth. I didn’t brush my hair. Just happy that I am able to get out of bed and take a deep breath… #100happydays
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the dream.

I have never put this down into words and I very rarely talk about it because I believe in the law of attraction and I am also a little superstitious. But here it is because I need to know what you believe…

When hubs and I first started our journey into baby making {about 3 years ago} I had a very vivid dream one night. This dream came to me when I started to figure out we might have a problem conceiving because it had been a year of trying with no success.

//I am walking through what seems like a field. It was a bit hilly with grass and some sparse trees. It is a sunny day maybe a couple cotton ball clouds in the sky. Along this field is a low brick or rock wall, kind of like a fence running along where I am walking. All of a sudden I stop and bend down to pick up a loose rock that looks out of place in the wall, but it turns into a brick. As I pick it up I see that the underside of the brick has a note carved into it. It says: You will never carry your own children. GOD.// That is all. That is the dream.

Freakkkkky right? I really don’t know what to make of this dream. Was this God really talking to me and trying to tell me something? Was God giving me the sign I had been praying for? Or is this the Devil trying to mess with me? Or my mind playing to tricks on me because I was very stressed out at the time about all things fertility? I am a Christian. I am a spiritual. I have talked to God a lot in my life, but God has not ever spoke to me in this way, if this is what it is. I don’t want to believe that this letter or note from God is true. I want to think it was just my dreams playing tricks on me, but a part of me feels that this really may be a sign. I have never stopped thinking about this dream. It is always there in the back of my mind, tapping me whenever we have a failed IUI or Aunt Flow makes her monthly visit.

So do I heed the warning of this dream and make preparations for having children in another way or do I keep on this path of trying to conceive my own baby in my own body? I am at a loss on this one. Is this truly a sign from God?

rock wall

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Today.

Today was the first day in a million years that I saw a pregnant girl and I wasn’t jealous of her. I actually found myself feeling thankful for my flat belly {ok let’s be honest it isn’t really flat and most of the time I might look questionably like I have a baby bump} But anyways, today at the supermarket when I saw her bump wobbling around about to pop, I felt fine, even great that I could sprint in and out of the store grabbing a couple of items without the possibility of a clean up on aisle 5.

I have been working hard on getting my body, mind, and soul back into shape and my work is paying off. One day at a time. Today was a good day.

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I love this city…

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Pride weekend was epic. I love coming together with all my family and friends to celebrate love and equality. Growing up with two Mamas has shown me that Love is Love no matter who it is with. I hold this community close to my heart and it makes me so proud and happy to see every walk of life come together to embrace, support, and celebrate each other. xoxo

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