Wanderlust

Another week. Another trip. I guess this is how I am dealing with the fact that I am unable to produce a babes. I have been pre-occupying my mind and body with travel so I don’t have time to be sad about my un-pregnated belly. San Felipe, to Santa Cruz to San Francisco, to stay-cationing at Mission Beach. Next on the list is Napa, Oregon, and hopefully DC before one of my best friends moves! I am also planning a 30th birthday to Puerto Rico next year. I may just travel for the rest of my life… This is actually a fantastic way to keep ones self busy and happy. I love love love to travel and I am fortunate enough that I am able to do so.

We should probably be saving our money for infertility purposes, but I just don’t want to right now! I don’t want to think about anything other than me, myself, and I… and Husband and Dorie Dog 🙂 You know that quote, “Not all that wander are lost.”? Well I want to get lost. I want my mind, body, and soul to get unequivocally lost for a while. It has felt so good lately to not have to be on any sort of schedule. I almost forgot what it was like to have sex to just have sex. I almost forgot how to have a normal conversation that didn’t involve any type of baby lingo. And damn. It feels good to just be a 20 something year old getting piss drunk with my husband on a Saturday night while skinny dipping in the moonlight.

Although I have been bitching a lot lately I know how blessed I am. I am blessed to have the resources to pursue other options with fertility. I am blessed to have such supportive family and friends. I am blessed to have a roof over my head. I am blessed to have a puppy who snuggles. I am blessed with a job that gives me freedom to do the things I love. I am blessed to have a loving husband. I am blessed to be able to get lost for just a little while in a new adventure…

wanderlust

 

 

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Post 19.

I have been MIA in life lately. It has been a rough go the past couple of weeks. I am annoyed at everyone and everything.

Things have been snowballing for me since last week. There are some factors that may have caused this to happen, but I rather not go into it here. I keep forgetting it has only been a little over a month since our last attempt at IUI failed. I forget it has only been 5 weeks since I accepted the fact that we were taking a little time off. I forget that it has only been 35 days since I was told “you are not pregnant”. That number is a little ironic since we have been trying for 35 months now to conceive with no success. I try and remind myself that this isn’t a wound that is going to heal easily. It is going to take a lot of triple antibiotic and TLC.

I have been noticing some not so good behaviors that have started to intensify. My OCD cleanliness is at an all time high- I can at least control my surrounds if nothing else. I talk more shit about everyone else around me more than ever. I snap at the tiniest thing- I’m like a little Chihuahua. I feel angry and out of control. My inner mind is rambling on and on and I haven’t learned how to quiet it. I see this behavior. I acknowledge this behavior. Now comes the hard part: changing it.

I think the best thing I can do right now is continue with my workout routine. When the endorphins are flowing it is really hard to feel angry or sad and if I do, I put that into my training. I am feeling stronger physically and I hope this will relay to my emotional mind as well. I am also learning how to quiet my mind through meditations. Our inner voice{mind} tends to talk and talk and talk to us. It makes us worry about things that we can’t control. I am learning that no matter how much my inner voice{mind} worries about life’s different scenarios, or how much it bashes things, it will never change what is going to happen. Life will go on with its plan whether my mind says to or not.

I will try and stay positive. I will work on being my best self. And most importantly I will work on not getting down on myself for having bad days. Tomorrow is a new day…

Me post workout. “You will never regret a workout or sex.”- Angie Tieman. Best advice I got all week!

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Social Media. I loath You.

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Today. Today. Today. I don’t know why but I am bummin’ today. It surprises me that I am feeling so low when this week has been filled with such highs. I am accrediting my feelings to {anti}social media. Although it can be great, it can also be a source of pain, anxiety, and pressure when it comes to dealing with my infertility. The anxiety of getting on social media and seeing another baby bump. The pain of knowing it isn’t happening for me. The pressure of time and likeness.

Two women I follow on Instagram announced they were just finishing their first trimester of pregnancy. I don’t understand why today I feel jealous of them and sad. I thought I was being strong. I thought I had moved past these feelings. I thought I really didn’t care that we had decided to back off “trying” for a year. But for some reason all my negative feelings came rushing back into my gut this morning.

This is one reason I decided to get off Facebook back in January {lets be honest, it only lasted a few months.} I just couldn’t take one more person posting a sonogram picture of their alien baby saying “I’M PREGNANT!” without almost throwing my iPhone across the room or bad mouthing them to my husband. He was over it. I was over it. Social media is weird thing. Sometimes I wonder if I really want to be pregnant or if I just feel the pressure to want it because everyone in the world is doing it and I can’t. I have a serious case of FOMO {fear of missing out}. I find when I am not on social media or out and about I feel safe because I can control what my eyes see and my ears hear. I don’t ever have to see another person preggo because I am holed up in my little bubble {without Instagram or Facebook} watching Orange is the New Black and drinking a bottle of white. I know I can’t live a life like that. I can choose to shelter myself a little bit until my full coat of armor comes back, but I need to learn to cope with the fact that I cannot change the world around me. New life is going to sprout whether I like it or not. I need to come to the realization that I am going to have good days and bad days. My sadness is not just going to go away over night. It may take awhile for me to not want to bash my head against the wall next time I see someone else knocked up. That is ok.

So I am back on Facebook. What I have learned through my time away is that I don’t need to be checking peoples status updates every 5 seconds. I don’t need social media to control my emotions. I control my own happiness and emotions. And guess what? You can block status updates you don’t want to see- like when another one of my friends announces they are pregnant or they are oversharing pictures of their weird looking baby. They have no idea and we are both happy 🙂

 

 

 

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Right before I got Dunked! It’s official. I got baptized last night and it was a truly amazing experience. It was the perfect San Diego evening at the beach. My Pastor Matt got to be the one to perform it. My dearest family and friends were there to support me, along with so many others from Flood. I wouldn’t have had it any other way. Casual, at the beach, sand in my toes, salt in my hair, in my jean shorts. Thank you for the showering of love and support. It is more than I ever expected. I am so happy to be a part of this amazing family. xoxo brothers + sisters.

dunking.

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MY{notmy}Body + Infertility

So I don’t know if this happened to ya’ll who are struggling with infertility or just me, but I got fat while I have been trying to conceive {and I’m not talking about the phat- pretty, hot, and temping kind 😉}. I know that isn’t a good positive word to use in reference to my body, but it’s harsh and the truth. Between the stress of trying to get preggo {I am not one of those lucky ones who get rail thin, I am the kind that ends of looking like a marshmallow}, scarfing down and injecting myself with different medications {I feel like a lab rat}, being told not to have a strenuous workout routine- or start one because it could effect getting pregnant, and overall just focusing on trying to get pregnant and enjoying it, I am definitely not at my “happy” weight. I have become soft in places I didn’t know existed and have moved into a bra size too high in the alphabet. I can’t continue to blame it all on oh I might be pregnant this month or my 10 pound boobs. Being a little overweight may even be causing my unexplained infertility.

It has been a long time since I have felt like my body is my own. I haven’t had claim over it in well over 2 years. Well body I am ready to take you back! {Sorry honey I know you like curvy women, but I really think you just tell me that to be nice and supportive}. Focusing my non-baby making energy on something healthy, happy, and positive has had me more motivated than ever to get my body to its happy place. My goals:

– Loose 15lbs by October 26 {My birthday!}

– Get my BMI down by 7%

– Get moving! Do something I enjoy cardio wise 5 times a week. This can be swimming, walking, rock climbing, gardening, cleaning out my garage, anything that has my heart pumpin’ and sweat rollin’

– Do yoga once a week

– Eat healthier. We are not focusing on this just yet since I eat pretty well. I am mostly focusing on getting into a workout routine, which I have not committedly done in 3 years. EEEkkkkk

For now these are my short term goals. Not too many because I want them to seem real and attainable. A special thanks to my sis in law Angie who is working with me. She is starting a new business and I am her guiney pig. If anyone is interested in private personal/health training- its honestly more than just that- please let me know!

I would love to be held accountable and I would love it if anyone {in the San Diego area} is interested in being a walking, yoga, or gym buddy. Obviously there will be wine or coffee involved after our workout for positive reinforcement! Readyyyy GO!

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Faith + Infertility

A couple of Sundays ago there was a really great message at Church that struck a cord. It was about trusting God {I think it might have been about some other stuff too, regarding sex and chemistry, but I took trusting God away from it}. I know I have heard messages like this before in Church, but I don’t think my heart was open or ready to hear them at the time.

I have been struggling with how to have faith and trust in God in my journey with infertility. The Bible says “You shall be blessed above all peoples; there shall not be a male or female barren among you or among your livestock. Deuteronomy 7:14  So what does this mean for those of us who are Christians and are still struggling with infertility?

My husband has been a believer in Christ his whole life, he is a good Christian man, so obviously he shouldn’t be barren. Myself on the other hand- well {cough, cough}- I have not been a perfect human- I guess no one is. I have strayed and then recommitted myself to Jesus many times. I didn’t grow up in a religious family, but I have always had the belief that there is a God or a higher power- even in my dark days. I have struggled with what being a Christian means. I feel like it is the popular lunch table at school and I haven’t quite figured out how to squeeze my behind in to fit with all the others sitting there. Then I realized it is easy. What being a Christian means is to have faith and trust in God. Have trust and faith that God knows best. Trust and faith that I have changed on the inside and I am not controlled from the outside. It means that my heart has been changed by the presence of God. It does not mean that I am required to go to church, required to pay tithes, required to be good, required to do anything in order to stay a Christian. It means I desire to do those things because I have been changed and I have trust and faith in God. I have trust and faith that there is enough room at the table for my behind.

Giving in and giving it up to God has brought me the kind of peace I have been searching for, for 3 years. { lets be honest, I really only came to this realization about a month ago} “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace.” John 16:33. I know not everyone is religious or spiritual, but this is a heavy burden to carry and having faith in something bigger than me has helped ease that heaviness a little, especially now with our second failed IUI. Hubs said something I thought was pretty profound the other day about our situation with infertility. He said that no doctors can tell us why we are not getting pregnant. He said everything is perfect with us health wise and fertility wise. He said that under the most perfect circumstances we are still not getting pregnant. So, that has lead him to believe that it is most definitely in God’s hands and that it is not in his perfect timing. Hubs truly believes that God has a plan for us and this is not it. It makes perfect simple sense. He has trust and faith that we will be parents, just not yet. It is a little harder for me to grasp this concept but I am working on it. It’s my type A personality coming out.

Even though I still have questions and curiosities about God and his plan, I will continue to pray. I will continue to have trust and faith that God knows my story better than I do. His timing is right in all things. I pray that our infertility is temporary and that God will show us grace and favor in our journey.

ps. I am getting baptized next week at the beach! Very excited to take this next step…

 

 

 

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Great Article

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I came across this very relatable article online by resolve.org… So yeah be nice to us!!!

Why Can’t I Get Pregnant? The Emotional Impact of Unexplained Infertility

 

By Victoria Hopewell
Published in Resolve for the journey and beyond, Winter 2011

You and your partner have just been punched––you have been told that you are among the twenty percent of couples who suffer from “unexplained infertility.” That news is devastating. It hits you both in belly and heart. How can there not be a reason? You’re right back where you started, a year or two or three ago. Once again you are in the dark. Infertility without explanation in the twenty-first century feels as if you have been told that you have bubonic plague in the Middle Ages and no one knows why.

Your anxiety increases because no one can identify the cause. Even if the result of those interminable, painful, intrusive tests had been that you or your partner could not have a biological child, at least then you could grieve and move on. You feel powerless to act because you do not know what the problem is or how to correct it. Your sense of hopelessness and immobilization brings with it a greater risk for depression. No surprise––anxiety and depression are the two predominant emotional reactions for the diagnosis of unexplained infertility (Wischmann et al.,1998).

You find it more stressful to talk with the family and friends who might provide much-needed support because you have no answers for them. You are not alone. One study found that the couples with no clear etiology for infertility experienced the most social strain (Smith et al., 2009). In another study, even three years after failed IVF attempts, couples with unexplained infertility were found to have unresolved grief and to be haunted by their inability to explain to others and themselves why they could not become pregnant (Volgsten et al., 2010). The researchers concluded that counseling might be needed to help couples deal with the ambiguity of their situation. Counseling also can help those with unexplained infertility focus on other life areas that are controllable and that provide a sense of efficacy and well-being (Paul et al., 2010).

In my own baby quest, I developed a bad case of “delusions of eggdeur” when my hormone levels were good and I passed my hysterosalpingogram with flying colors¬¬ — that pretty-in-pink procedure where the doctor shot pink dye throughout my reproductive system to make sure that the passages were clear. After I had optimistically tried IVF five times with my own eggs and failed, the loss was even more traumatic. I had been positive that I would succeed since the doctors had found no physical roadblocks on my path to pregnancy. After all those doomed attempts, the phrase that I kept repeating was from Shakespeare’s Macbeth: “full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.”

Why can’t we get pregnant? That may remain the unsolved mystery that a couple needs to accept. Then you can decide how to proceed while living with the unknown. Some couples with unexplained infertility will become pregnant on their own (Guzick, 2000). Even without knowing what is the matter, modern medicine can offer other baby- making opportunities and the possibility of a successful outcome (Guzick, 2000). I myself journeyed toward acceptance of using a donor egg. Making choices along the baby route leads to a sense of empowerment, and it can help to overcome the anxiety and depression that often accompany the unexplained infertility diagnosis.

 

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