My Enoughs. My Everythings.

Once again Thank You Justine Brooks for an amazing article and hitting me in all the right places…

We all have enough and everythings in our lives. Example: I have had enough of treating my body like crap, so I am going to start working out. I have done everything I can to mend my relationship with this person. Infertility or not, we all must define our own enoughs and everythings.

Have you done everything you can? Have you done everything you need to? 

Have you done enough? Have you lost enough? Have you suffered enough?

Justine says “that by defining my everythings and enoughs it will help me to let go, embrace and move forward with my life. We can apply these questions to many areas of our lives that we are struggling with. Infertility. Recovery. Relationships. Dreams. This list goes on and on. We all must remember that only we can define what is everything and when enough is enough. When we define these through others’ expectations or society or because it is “what we are supposed to do” it only comes from this place of shame; a place of not honoring ourselves. Our everythings and our enoughs can, and need to, only be defined within ourselves.”

So that is where I am at now. Hubs and I are taking a year to figure out what our everything and enough is. At the moment I do feel like I have reached my enough, although I do not feel like I have done everything I can in my fertility journey. I am sure my enoughs and everythings will change in the coming months. I hope that by meditating, praying, researching, relaxing, and evaluating my soul I will be one step closer to figuring what those are so I can lead a happy and healthy life.

“Only we define our enough and everything. And, our ever upward. To let go of comparison, especially in our sufferings and recovery, is to find our truth. Because we all suffer. We all lose. Hard is just hard. And, we all must practice our recovery. Trust in your truth. Trust in your everything. Trust in your enough. Because, within that trust you will be found.”

Pick up Justine’s book soon: “Ever Upward”

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the dream.

I have never put this down into words and I very rarely talk about it because I believe in the law of attraction and I am also a little superstitious. But here it is because I need to know what you believe…

When hubs and I first started our journey into baby making {about 3 years ago} I had a very vivid dream one night. This dream came to me when I started to figure out we might have a problem conceiving because it had been a year of trying with no success.

//I am walking through what seems like a field. It was a bit hilly with grass and some sparse trees. It is a sunny day maybe a couple cotton ball clouds in the sky. Along this field is a low brick or rock wall, kind of like a fence running along where I am walking. All of a sudden I stop and bend down to pick up a loose rock that looks out of place in the wall, but it turns into a brick. As I pick it up I see that the underside of the brick has a note carved into it. It says: You will never carry your own children. GOD.// That is all. That is the dream.

Freakkkkky right? I really don’t know what to make of this dream. Was this God really talking to me and trying to tell me something? Was God giving me the sign I had been praying for? Or is this the Devil trying to mess with me? Or my mind playing to tricks on me because I was very stressed out at the time about all things fertility? I am a Christian. I am a spiritual. I have talked to God a lot in my life, but God has not ever spoke to me in this way, if this is what it is. I don’t want to believe that this letter or note from God is true. I want to think it was just my dreams playing tricks on me, but a part of me feels that this really may be a sign. I have never stopped thinking about this dream. It is always there in the back of my mind, tapping me whenever we have a failed IUI or Aunt Flow makes her monthly visit.

So do I heed the warning of this dream and make preparations for having children in another way or do I keep on this path of trying to conceive my own baby in my own body? I am at a loss on this one. Is this truly a sign from God?

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Today.

Today was the first day in a million years that I saw a pregnant girl and I wasn’t jealous of her. I actually found myself feeling thankful for my flat belly {ok let’s be honest it isn’t really flat and most of the time I might look questionably like I have a baby bump} But anyways, today at the supermarket when I saw her bump wobbling around about to pop, I felt fine, even great that I could sprint in and out of the store grabbing a couple of items without the possibility of a clean up on aisle 5.

I have been working hard on getting my body, mind, and soul back into shape and my work is paying off. One day at a time. Today was a good day.

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I’m Still Human.

It’s funny how people can make you feel less than human about not having children. Like it is a choice that I don’t have kids, or people assume I just don’t want kids because we have been married almost 4 years and don’t have any. Countless times I have had to say through clenched teeth ” no, no kids yet, but we want them.” I do hair for weddings and it seems like I have been getting the question a lot lately about having not having kids. {already society has an ideal of how life’s order should go. date, get engaged, get married, have babies.} What I really want to do is scream at them and say “well since you asked, we have been trying for almost 3 years with no success. I have gobbled countless meds, spread my legs to a handful of different doctors, been pricked with God knows how many needles and I am still here with no baby! Thanks for asking. Oh yeah. I suggest you start trying immediately because who knows how long it will take.”

I have been trying to put into words for months about how society has been making me feel about my “situation”. I could not pinpoint it until I read a couple of articles from fellow bloggers. Then it hit me. It’s perfect. What I am experiencing from society and even close friends is called the “Fertility Privilege”. Privilege is any societal advantage you hold because your skin color, your gender, your sexual identity, your able-bodiedness, your age, your class, your education, your language, or your religion are accepted and prioritized by dominant culture. Privilege means that there are benefits you enjoy – whether consciously or unconsciously, and that part’s really important – because of something about you that society values more than something else. Frequently these are things you were born with, or into.

So, that’s privilege. Now let’s talk about fertility privilege. Breeder privilege? I-can-get-knocked-up-and-carry-a-baby-to-term-and-successfully-push-it-out-of-my-vagina privilege? Or possibly I-can-knock-up-others-so-that-they-carry-and-successfully-deliever privilege? I can only express to you what it feels like to not be privileged in any of these categories. All around us commercials are telling us you aren’t complete until you get married, get a dog, have a baby, and then another. A constant stream of babies smiling and pooping fill my Facebook feed every minute. Friends and family make me feel like I have to have children to complete my life with my significant other. That just being happy in my marriage with our dog isn’t enough. I don’t want a baby to complete my family. I feel complete now. I want children to add to our family. To add to the joy and happiness we already posses with each other. It feels like the norm and the end all be all to happiness and value is baring a child- unless you are incapable of doing so, then those thoughts are what preoccupy your mind for most of the day.

So why are we making it the norm to put infertility on the backburner as if it is not a privilege to be able to birth a child? Why do we act like infertility doesn’t really exist and someday, yes someday, don’t worry you too will have a baby and be “normal”. People are really insensitive. Think about it… if you even had a few friends on Facebook who were severely disabled by missing limbs, you might think twice before you posted daily pics of your arms and how awesome and full of love and mystery and delight they are. You wouldn’t consistently ask that friend with no legs, “Hey did your limb grow back yet? Did you go to that great place and get a mani/pedi?” You might think twice if someone important to you had recently lost a spouse and you really wanted to post all your wedding pictures. Now I am not saying women should not be able to celebrate their children or pregnancies on an open podium, but I am trying to bring to light how things like this never really occur to us when it comes to infertility because fertility is an unexamined privilege.

So what should we do with unexamined privilege? We should examine it, to start with. We should take a look at what we’re putting out in the world and think about how it might effect others– those small, unconscious acts of verbal violence that we deal out without meaning to that make other people feel invisible, invalid, inhuman. We should not examine it and then say, “I have examined my privilege! Now stop being all disenfranchised at me! It’s making me uncomfortable!” We should continue to approach people with humility, empathy, and the firm understanding that we do not know what their experience is, just because we once had a brief moment of the same experience or we know someone who did.

So lets make a pact. Maybe we can all be a little more sensitive, a little more understanding, a little more aware.

Source: schrodingerscatbox {Thanks for being amazing.}

 

 

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Wanderlust

Another week. Another trip. I guess this is how I am dealing with the fact that I am unable to produce a babes. I have been pre-occupying my mind and body with travel so I don’t have time to be sad about my un-pregnated belly. San Felipe, to Santa Cruz to San Francisco, to stay-cationing at Mission Beach. Next on the list is Napa, Oregon, and hopefully DC before one of my best friends moves! I am also planning a 30th birthday to Puerto Rico next year. I may just travel for the rest of my life… This is actually a fantastic way to keep ones self busy and happy. I love love love to travel and I am fortunate enough that I am able to do so.

We should probably be saving our money for infertility purposes, but I just don’t want to right now! I don’t want to think about anything other than me, myself, and I… and Husband and Dorie Dog 🙂 You know that quote, “Not all that wander are lost.”? Well I want to get lost. I want my mind, body, and soul to get unequivocally lost for a while. It has felt so good lately to not have to be on any sort of schedule. I almost forgot what it was like to have sex to just have sex. I almost forgot how to have a normal conversation that didn’t involve any type of baby lingo. And damn. It feels good to just be a 20 something year old getting piss drunk with my husband on a Saturday night while skinny dipping in the moonlight.

Although I have been bitching a lot lately I know how blessed I am. I am blessed to have the resources to pursue other options with fertility. I am blessed to have such supportive family and friends. I am blessed to have a roof over my head. I am blessed to have a puppy who snuggles. I am blessed with a job that gives me freedom to do the things I love. I am blessed to have a loving husband. I am blessed to be able to get lost for just a little while in a new adventure…

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Post 19.

I have been MIA in life lately. It has been a rough go the past couple of weeks. I am annoyed at everyone and everything.

Things have been snowballing for me since last week. There are some factors that may have caused this to happen, but I rather not go into it here. I keep forgetting it has only been a little over a month since our last attempt at IUI failed. I forget it has only been 5 weeks since I accepted the fact that we were taking a little time off. I forget that it has only been 35 days since I was told “you are not pregnant”. That number is a little ironic since we have been trying for 35 months now to conceive with no success. I try and remind myself that this isn’t a wound that is going to heal easily. It is going to take a lot of triple antibiotic and TLC.

I have been noticing some not so good behaviors that have started to intensify. My OCD cleanliness is at an all time high- I can at least control my surrounds if nothing else. I talk more shit about everyone else around me more than ever. I snap at the tiniest thing- I’m like a little Chihuahua. I feel angry and out of control. My inner mind is rambling on and on and I haven’t learned how to quiet it. I see this behavior. I acknowledge this behavior. Now comes the hard part: changing it.

I think the best thing I can do right now is continue with my workout routine. When the endorphins are flowing it is really hard to feel angry or sad and if I do, I put that into my training. I am feeling stronger physically and I hope this will relay to my emotional mind as well. I am also learning how to quiet my mind through meditations. Our inner voice{mind} tends to talk and talk and talk to us. It makes us worry about things that we can’t control. I am learning that no matter how much my inner voice{mind} worries about life’s different scenarios, or how much it bashes things, it will never change what is going to happen. Life will go on with its plan whether my mind says to or not.

I will try and stay positive. I will work on being my best self. And most importantly I will work on not getting down on myself for having bad days. Tomorrow is a new day…

Me post workout. “You will never regret a workout or sex.”- Angie Tieman. Best advice I got all week!

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Social Media. I loath You.

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Today. Today. Today. I don’t know why but I am bummin’ today. It surprises me that I am feeling so low when this week has been filled with such highs. I am accrediting my feelings to {anti}social media. Although it can be great, it can also be a source of pain, anxiety, and pressure when it comes to dealing with my infertility. The anxiety of getting on social media and seeing another baby bump. The pain of knowing it isn’t happening for me. The pressure of time and likeness.

Two women I follow on Instagram announced they were just finishing their first trimester of pregnancy. I don’t understand why today I feel jealous of them and sad. I thought I was being strong. I thought I had moved past these feelings. I thought I really didn’t care that we had decided to back off “trying” for a year. But for some reason all my negative feelings came rushing back into my gut this morning.

This is one reason I decided to get off Facebook back in January {lets be honest, it only lasted a few months.} I just couldn’t take one more person posting a sonogram picture of their alien baby saying “I’M PREGNANT!” without almost throwing my iPhone across the room or bad mouthing them to my husband. He was over it. I was over it. Social media is weird thing. Sometimes I wonder if I really want to be pregnant or if I just feel the pressure to want it because everyone in the world is doing it and I can’t. I have a serious case of FOMO {fear of missing out}. I find when I am not on social media or out and about I feel safe because I can control what my eyes see and my ears hear. I don’t ever have to see another person preggo because I am holed up in my little bubble {without Instagram or Facebook} watching Orange is the New Black and drinking a bottle of white. I know I can’t live a life like that. I can choose to shelter myself a little bit until my full coat of armor comes back, but I need to learn to cope with the fact that I cannot change the world around me. New life is going to sprout whether I like it or not. I need to come to the realization that I am going to have good days and bad days. My sadness is not just going to go away over night. It may take awhile for me to not want to bash my head against the wall next time I see someone else knocked up. That is ok.

So I am back on Facebook. What I have learned through my time away is that I don’t need to be checking peoples status updates every 5 seconds. I don’t need social media to control my emotions. I control my own happiness and emotions. And guess what? You can block status updates you don’t want to see- like when another one of my friends announces they are pregnant or they are oversharing pictures of their weird looking baby. They have no idea and we are both happy 🙂

 

 

 

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Right before I got Dunked! It’s official. I got baptized last night and it was a truly amazing experience. It was the perfect San Diego evening at the beach. My Pastor Matt got to be the one to perform it. My dearest family and friends were there to support me, along with so many others from Flood. I wouldn’t have had it any other way. Casual, at the beach, sand in my toes, salt in my hair, in my jean shorts. Thank you for the showering of love and support. It is more than I ever expected. I am so happy to be a part of this amazing family. xoxo brothers + sisters.

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MY{notmy}Body + Infertility

So I don’t know if this happened to ya’ll who are struggling with infertility or just me, but I got fat while I have been trying to conceive {and I’m not talking about the phat- pretty, hot, and temping kind 😉}. I know that isn’t a good positive word to use in reference to my body, but it’s harsh and the truth. Between the stress of trying to get preggo {I am not one of those lucky ones who get rail thin, I am the kind that ends of looking like a marshmallow}, scarfing down and injecting myself with different medications {I feel like a lab rat}, being told not to have a strenuous workout routine- or start one because it could effect getting pregnant, and overall just focusing on trying to get pregnant and enjoying it, I am definitely not at my “happy” weight. I have become soft in places I didn’t know existed and have moved into a bra size too high in the alphabet. I can’t continue to blame it all on oh I might be pregnant this month or my 10 pound boobs. Being a little overweight may even be causing my unexplained infertility.

It has been a long time since I have felt like my body is my own. I haven’t had claim over it in well over 2 years. Well body I am ready to take you back! {Sorry honey I know you like curvy women, but I really think you just tell me that to be nice and supportive}. Focusing my non-baby making energy on something healthy, happy, and positive has had me more motivated than ever to get my body to its happy place. My goals:

– Loose 15lbs by October 26 {My birthday!}

– Get my BMI down by 7%

– Get moving! Do something I enjoy cardio wise 5 times a week. This can be swimming, walking, rock climbing, gardening, cleaning out my garage, anything that has my heart pumpin’ and sweat rollin’

– Do yoga once a week

– Eat healthier. We are not focusing on this just yet since I eat pretty well. I am mostly focusing on getting into a workout routine, which I have not committedly done in 3 years. EEEkkkkk

For now these are my short term goals. Not too many because I want them to seem real and attainable. A special thanks to my sis in law Angie who is working with me. She is starting a new business and I am her guiney pig. If anyone is interested in private personal/health training- its honestly more than just that- please let me know!

I would love to be held accountable and I would love it if anyone {in the San Diego area} is interested in being a walking, yoga, or gym buddy. Obviously there will be wine or coffee involved after our workout for positive reinforcement! Readyyyy GO!

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Faith + Infertility

A couple of Sundays ago there was a really great message at Church that struck a cord. It was about trusting God {I think it might have been about some other stuff too, regarding sex and chemistry, but I took trusting God away from it}. I know I have heard messages like this before in Church, but I don’t think my heart was open or ready to hear them at the time.

I have been struggling with how to have faith and trust in God in my journey with infertility. The Bible says “You shall be blessed above all peoples; there shall not be a male or female barren among you or among your livestock. Deuteronomy 7:14  So what does this mean for those of us who are Christians and are still struggling with infertility?

My husband has been a believer in Christ his whole life, he is a good Christian man, so obviously he shouldn’t be barren. Myself on the other hand- well {cough, cough}- I have not been a perfect human- I guess no one is. I have strayed and then recommitted myself to Jesus many times. I didn’t grow up in a religious family, but I have always had the belief that there is a God or a higher power- even in my dark days. I have struggled with what being a Christian means. I feel like it is the popular lunch table at school and I haven’t quite figured out how to squeeze my behind in to fit with all the others sitting there. Then I realized it is easy. What being a Christian means is to have faith and trust in God. Have trust and faith that God knows best. Trust and faith that I have changed on the inside and I am not controlled from the outside. It means that my heart has been changed by the presence of God. It does not mean that I am required to go to church, required to pay tithes, required to be good, required to do anything in order to stay a Christian. It means I desire to do those things because I have been changed and I have trust and faith in God. I have trust and faith that there is enough room at the table for my behind.

Giving in and giving it up to God has brought me the kind of peace I have been searching for, for 3 years. { lets be honest, I really only came to this realization about a month ago} “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace.” John 16:33. I know not everyone is religious or spiritual, but this is a heavy burden to carry and having faith in something bigger than me has helped ease that heaviness a little, especially now with our second failed IUI. Hubs said something I thought was pretty profound the other day about our situation with infertility. He said that no doctors can tell us why we are not getting pregnant. He said everything is perfect with us health wise and fertility wise. He said that under the most perfect circumstances we are still not getting pregnant. So, that has lead him to believe that it is most definitely in God’s hands and that it is not in his perfect timing. Hubs truly believes that God has a plan for us and this is not it. It makes perfect simple sense. He has trust and faith that we will be parents, just not yet. It is a little harder for me to grasp this concept but I am working on it. It’s my type A personality coming out.

Even though I still have questions and curiosities about God and his plan, I will continue to pray. I will continue to have trust and faith that God knows my story better than I do. His timing is right in all things. I pray that our infertility is temporary and that God will show us grace and favor in our journey.

ps. I am getting baptized next week at the beach! Very excited to take this next step…

 

 

 

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