Twisted Thoughts

Ever wonder if other infertile women think the way you do? I’m talking about those really crazy, twisted thoughts we sometimes feel. The ones we don’t speak out loud and cringe to even be thinking them.

You know the ones. I know you do.

The thoughts that would prompt a knowing nod or laughter from other infertiles…and condemnation from the rest of society.

Here are some thoughts I have maybe had on my lowest days… {queue disgusted face}

-Peeling the stick figure families off those minivans. Would you spare the pets or just leave the couple standing alone? I flipping LOATH stick figure families on the back of cars. I mean really….

-Buying a sort of ugly baby outfit you know, the ones with tons of bows on it…or a Diaper genie… for a baby or shower gift because the thought of 100+ dirty diapers crammed into the nursery corner would bring me a shred of comfort during an unbearably painful event.

-Running into the back of a minivan with a “Baby on Board” plaque. I really don’t think you need a sign that screams that considering you are driving a freakin’ minivan.

-When I see a kid’s “binky” go missing in a public place, maybe I let the inattentive Mom scramble a bit to find it so she can learn her lesson.

-Have you ever been in such a bad mood that, instead of mustering a smile, you actually kind of “stared down” a baby when its mom wasn’t looking…and it cried? And you didn’t feel guilty?

-Unfriend someone on Facebook for posting too many pregnancy updates, maternity photos, or baby pictures.

-This one is awful… Secretly wished the pregnancy wasn’t successful. Shame on.

-While shopping in a store and a toddler is running around pulling everything off the shelves while Mom is chasing behind franticly picking up after it.  Maybe I smile to myself. It’s nice to enjoy my Trader Joes visit calm, cool, and collected.

If you related to any of the above scenarios…or have your own list…it doesn’t make you a bad person. It makes you human. Occasional jealous or angry thoughts are common when you are infertile. No judgments here.

{thanks for a couple of your twisted thoughts Tracey Minella}

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a little crutch

I have decided to be honest with myself. I need a little help right now.

I have worked hard on trying everything natural first to deal with my anxiety and depression over infertility and everything surrounding it. Using essential oils, meditating, exercise, but it’s just not cutting it. I have been feeling worse and worse this past year and more intensely the past few months. My highs are high and my lows are lower. The lows seem to occupy most of my days, more than the good ones. I do a good job faking it, but inside I am hurting. I am breaking.

I decided to see a therapist and my primary care doctor last week because I seriously thought I was having a nervous breakdown at one point. I was hesitant, but accepting of both their advice to take Zoloft for a while. I hate that my infertility has led to me this. It makes me sad and angry all over again! But, I am for the first time, in a long time, hopeful that getting a little help from my friend Z might help me in big ways. I have had a few friends take Zoloft while they were going through infertility and they both said it worked wonders for them. Zoloft is non habit forming and is easy to wean off of when I feel that I am ready to do so. This anti-depressant is also recommended when trying to conceive because you can continue taking it if you do become pregnant. {in the case that I do become pregnant I am pretty sure I will stop, since my depression is situational}. Zoloft also helps with motivation, anxiety, and not letting things effect you as much. I mean I still want to feel, but I am hoping I won’t feel so intensely. I know Z isn’t a magic pill that is going to make everything rainbows and butterflies. I am just hoping it will make things blue birds and waterfalls 🙂 This is scary to write and admit that I need a little crutch at the moment. If I am going to get better and stay sane in my life, my head, my heart, and my journey, I need to own it. It is ok to have a little help.

Other rituals I have started to help with my mood in conjunction with Zoloft:

-Taking fish oil with DHA, which I have read and heard from a good friend, helps with mood and depression.

-I have started listening to nightly meditations before going to bed to help me relax and fall asleep easier. {thanks Justine for the great advice in your book}

-Opening all my blinds in the morning to let the sunshine in. My doctor told me that starting your day off with a little bit of sunlight helps with happiness all day long.

-Cutting back on the caffeine. Now, I am not a big caffeine drinker, I only have a half a cup in the morning and I may get a Starbucks in the after noon and drink half, but doctor told me I should not be drinking caffeine after 2pm. So I will be giving that up.

-No boozing. Ok maybe I will have a glass of wine here or there. You aren’t really supposed to drink when taking Z, so I am going to try and follow that as good as I can!

-Step up my exercise routine. I am climbing 2 days a week, but I need to be going at least 3 along with cardio. I am hoping Z will help step up my motivation.

Z isn’t an instant fix. It will take a couple weeks to feel its full effects. I am just hoping it will be as my friend put it…”It’s like waking up one morning to the most beautiful sunshiny day, when all you have been seeing for weeks is the biggest thunder storm.”

 

 

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The Loneliness of Grief

Lately I have been noticing that a lot of the lady loves I follow are feeling the same way I am about infertility kicking our asses emotionally. Today Resolve posted a great blog post by The Broken Brown Egg, and I think it pretty much sums up my feelings exactly about loneliness, anger, and grief in regards to infertility. I just adore it. I hope you enjoy as much as I did.

“October is pregnancy and infant loss awareness month. During last month’s #MoonshineMeetup, a conference call for the Broken Brown Egg’s Shellshocked Support Group, one participant said something so profound that it really made me stop.  She said, “If someone’s child passes away, they are expected to mourn, and they are allowed to think about it.  Because my child was never “born”, does that mean I should act as though it never happened?  Why don’t I get to think about them?”. 

It was a heartbreaking thought, because it made me really stop and think about how lonely grief really is.  I started to really think about how many women and men we encounter every day who we never suspect to be in mourning.  They are right in the middle of their pain, and we look right through it.

Infertility in and of itself, is an ongoing bereavement.  With every month gone by, you are constantly grieving over your vision for your life, your hope, or your plan for your future. Every single day is a readjustment period.  Every reset and restart is like signing yourself up for the same pain all over again.

And the hardest thing about grieving, the absolute worst thing, is that it feels as though everyone wants you to forget. They will say that it’s because they want you to feel better, but you feel as though what they really want, is for you to not bring them down.  They don’t want to look at your sadness anymore because it is an uncomfortable inconvenience.

“Grief is like the ocean; it comes on waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim.” ― Vicki Harrison

To our credit, most of us do a pretty good job of keeping our sadness to ourselves.  But it crushes you.  Your heart feels like it’s beating out of your chest, and your body does what feels like a double-step.  You think to call or message someone, or just scream “Help Me!!”, but then that overwhelming feeling of loneliness sets in.

You’re not actually alone, but it feels that way.

Because everyone else is over it.  And you just know that when you start laying out your issues, their facial expressions will say, “are you still talking about this?”, or “umm,…isn’t there someone else more qualified to listen to you about this?”.  Everyone else seems to have moved on.  Everyone else can act as though nothing ever happened.

But something did happen.

And it is happening.

And it hurts.

It feels as if everyone wants you to “just” let it go.

And you’re left thinking, “But why do I have to forget?

And, “Why don’t THEY remember?”

You get furious at their impatience.  At their painful indifference.  At the way they treat you as though you want to stay there.  That you want to feel this way.  That you want to be unhappy.

We spend a million hours every week with all types of people.  Laughing, talking, hanging out, working our jobs.  Mundane things.  And most of the time, nobody realizes who is actually broken inside.  I mean, if you can do your job adequately, and you provide enough of a “you” for it not to be so obvious that you aren’t firing on all cylinders, not one person is going to touch your shoulder like in the movies and say, “Really, are you okay?”.

“Grief never ends… But it changes. It’s a passage, not a place to stay. Grief is not a sign of weakness, nor a lack of faith… It is the price of love.”
— Unknown

Wherever you are in your process, it was on my heart to share this simple truth: Grief is lonely, and it often outlasts sympathy, but it is necessary.  Allow yourself to grieve. No matter how you come out of this, or when you reach the ever-elusive “other side” of it, know that it is your right, to remember and reflect and regroup.

Whether it is a child who never took a breath, or one who took far too few.  If it were a dream that never came to light, or a loved one who is no longer with you,…you have the absolute right to remember that it/they mattered.  The condition of your heart, is important.  What it feels like to YOU, is valid.  And what you’re going through, is real.

Take all the time, and love, that you need.  You have my empathy.”

source: thebrokenbrownegg

Take care my friends and know that I too, have so much empathy for you. I am always here to just listen, for a shoulder to cry on, or to have a glass of vino ready to chat. xoxo Rikki

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infertility is kicking my ass.

I have been having a rough few days. I feel like when I am making progress in my journey I encounter more set backs. How can I be soooo high one day and so low the next? It is a very helpless feeling.

It all started Friday. Ok, if I am being honest, I haven’t really been feeling great since the bachelorette party when my bff told me she was pregnant. I guess I have been taking the news harder than I wanted to admit. My inner mind has been driving me crazy for a week. I haven’t been sleeping well, I have been analyzing her situation, my situation, the whole nine yards. Anyways it all caught up with me over the weekend.

My period started Friday. Usually this doesn’t effect me anymore, as I assume it is coming and I stopped getting my hopes up a while ago, but for some reason this month I really felt like maybe I could get pregnant on my own. I have been eating healthy, working out, praying, thinking positive, and I even started my Fertilitea.

I had a crazy busy weekend with weddings, which adds extra stress.

My bff is pregnant, along with about 5 other people I know who have announced their pregnancy within the last week. Its weird how it comes in waves and it is one of those times. oh joy.

Did I mention my period started?

So on top of feeling like shit all of Saturday- I literally was holding back tears the whole way to do my wedding and then again on the way home, I come home to a box and a note from my fertility Dr. {Mind you I have not heard from him or the clinic since our last failed IUI in June.} Inside was my camelback water bottle that I had accidently left at the office the day of our IUI and a note that said,Dear Rikki, I hope you’re well and perhaps even successful with a pregnancy… it really doesn’t matter what the rest of the note says because this fucking set me off. REALLYYYY??? You never called to check on me after my last IUI and now you are writing a note hoping I have a successful pregnancy? Remember how YOU didn’t get me pregnant?? You know I have unexplained infertility right? You know you should never assume an infertile is pregnant on their own? I am super thankful to get my camelback back considering they are expensive and my husband has banned me from buying another one until I got this one back, But really? Really?

Obviously I lost my shit. Totally and completely lost it. Hubs was a saint and so was my Mom.

The only saving grace was that I got my Diva Cup in the mail and I couldn’t wait to use it. Gross I know. But super cool. I cannot believe that this was the little shed of light that was carrying me through the day… I can’t wait to get home and see how much blood I have in my little cup!

I feel like my feelings surrounding my friends pregnancies are not validated. Like when I say I wasn’t that upset or I didn’t feel like crying when my bff told me she was pregnant and I get the response back “good. that’s good you didn’t feel that way.” It is like people are saying “good, you shouldn’t feel like crying, because it is not a crying matter.” But what if I said I wasn’t ok and that I wanted to scream and cry? Is that ok or just selfish?

I feel like no one is empathetic or understands what I am going through. Sure people feel sorry for me or have sympathy, but I do not believe anyone truly understands how I am feeling.

I feel so alone.

I feel frustrated.

I feel like I cannot grieve yet. I cannot grieve because I don’t know what I am supposed to be grieving. I cannot grieve yet because we haven’t gotten any answers. I could grieve if someone told me, “Rikki, you will never get pregnant.” Ok I could grieve that and move on with how I am supposed to have a child in another way. I cannot grieve because we are not done trying. We are in this miserable, shithole limbo.

I feel angry. At myself and every pregnant girl out there.

I just want to feel “normal” again. I want my life back pre infertility, when I was naïve and happy.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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WOMEN BEWARE!

Since most of us have the issue of not getting pregnant and will probably be using feminine hygiene products for a bit longer, I think it is imperative for all women to read this!! I have always thought something was sketchy with tampons and pads, but this is just scary. Needless to say I have already purchased the Dive Cup off of amazon.com.

pads

“The issue of what kind of feminine hygiene products you use is rarely if ever discussed. Yet it’s clearly an important topic for every woman out there.

Your skin is the largest organ in your body, and also the thinnest. Less than 1/10th of an inch separates your body from potential toxins. Worse yet, your skin is highly permeable — especially the skin around your vaginal area, not to mention inside the vagina itself.

This is why attention needs to be paid to the ingredients used in tampons and sanitary pads.

Most items that come in constant contact with your skin will end up in your bloodstream and distributed throughout your body. This is why I’m so fond of saying “don’t put anything on your body that you wouldn’t eat if you had to.”

Putting chemicals on your skin may actually be worse than eating them. When you eat something, the enzymes in your saliva and stomach help to break it down and flush it out of your body.

However, when chemicals come in contact with your skin, they are absorbed straight into your bloodstream without filtering of any kind, going directly to your delicate organs. And once these chemicals find their way into your body, they tend to accumulate over time because you typically lack the necessary enzymes to break them down.

In my opinion, the realm of feminine hygiene can be likened to a “ticking time bomb.” Because when you consider your exposure over the course of a lifetime, it really adds up; the average American woman uses up to 16,800 tampons in her lifetime — or as many as 24,360 if she’s on estrogen replacement therapy.

And that’s just tampons… Many women use countless sanitary pads in place of, or in addition to tampons. When this same ‘average’ woman has a baby, she may also use maternity and nursing pads.

What’s Really in Those Sanitary Pads and Tampons?

In the featured article1, Andrea Donsky, founder of Naturally Savvy and co-author of Label Lessons: Your Guide to a Healthy Shopping Cart, reveals just how little we are allowed to know about the ingredients used in feminine hygiene products.

In fact, manufacturers of tampons and sanitary pads are not required to disclose the ingredients used because feminine hygiene products are considered “medical devices.”

When Andrea called Procter & Gamble directly to find out what’s in their Always Infinity pads, the only ingredients the service reps could give her were: foam and a patented ingredient called Infinicel2 — a highly absorbent material that can hold up to 10 times its weight.

In the above video, she demonstrates what happens when you burn an organic versus a conventional sanitary pad. The 100% organic cotton pad, made by Natracare, burns slow and clean, leaving virtually no sooty residue at all.

The Always Infinity pad on the other hand, with its mostly undisclosed ingredients, create lots of black smoke and thick residue — indications that the pad may contain dioxins, synthetic fibers and petrochemical additives.

In fact, according to her research, each conventional sanitary pad contains the equivalent of about four plastic bags! With everything we now know about the hazardous nature of plastic chemicals, this alone is cause for concern.

For example, plasticizing chemicals like BPA and BPS disrupt embryonic development and are linked to heart disease and cancer. Phthalates — which give paper tampon applicators that smooth feel and finish — are known to dysregulate gene expression, and DEHP may lead to multiple organ damage. Besides crude oil plastics, conventional sanitary pads can also contain a myriad of other potentially hazardous ingredients, such as odor neutralizers and fragrances. Synthetics and plastic also restrict the free flow of air and can trap heat and dampness, potentially promoting the growth of yeast and bacteria in your vaginal area.

The Price You Pay for ‘Clean’ White Tampons and Pads

Furthermore, to give tampons and pads that pristine, “clean” white look, the fibers used must be bleached. Chlorine is commonly used for this, which can create toxic dioxin and other disinfection-by-products (DBPs) such as trihalomethane. Studies show that dioxin collects in your fatty tissues, and according to a draft report by the US Environmental Protection Agency (EPA), dioxin a serious public health threat that has no “safe” level of exposure! Published reports show that even low or trace levels of dioxins may be linked to:

  • Abnormal tissue growth in the abdomen and reproductive organs
  • Abnormal cell growth throughout the body
  • Immune system suppression
  • Hormonal and endocrine system disruption

Meanwhile, the FDA’s official stance regarding trace amounts of dioxins is that there are no expected health risks associated with trace amounts of dioxins in tampons… Naturally Savvy notes that 10 years ago, House Representative Carolyn Maloney introduced legislation that would have required research into the potential health risks of any ingredient used in feminine hygiene products, including endometriosis, cervical, ovary and breast cancers. Unfortunately, the legislation did not pass, and it does not appear that any such research has been done.

Could You Be Absorbing GMO’s Via Your Tampons?

Andrea discovered a number of shocking details about the potential hazards posed by tampons and sanitary pads during her research for the book, Label Lessons, such as3:

  • Conventional tampons contain pesticides… Cotton crops make up just 2.4 percent of the world’s land, but each year a whopping $2 billion is spent on pesticides to spray this one crop.
  • Tampons and pads with odor neutralizers and other artificial fragrances are nothing short of a chemical soup laced with artificial colors, polyester, adhesives, polyethylene (PET), polypropylene, and propylene glycol (PEG), contaminants linked to hormone disruption, cancer, birth defects, dryness, and infertility.
  • Conventional tampons most probably contain genetically modified organisms (GMOs). According the USDA, 94 percent of all the cotton planted in the US is genetically engineered.

As Andrea questions, is inserting a GMO tampon into your vagina several times every month any different than ingesting GMO food? For all we know it may be worse, considering the fact that your vaginal wall is highly permeable, allowing toxins direct access into your bloodstream — be it pesticide residue or a GMO protein.

Beware of Toxic Shock Syndrome

It’s important to remember that tampons can create a favorable environment for bacteria growth. Micro tears in the vaginal wall from tampons allow bacteria to enter and accumulate. One recognized risk from tampon use is Toxic Shock Syndrome (TSS), which may be caused by poisonous toxins from either Staphylococcus aureus (staph) or group A streptococcus (strep) bacteria. TSS can be a life-threatening condition, so it’s important to recognize the signs and symptoms. Should any of the following symptoms arise while using tampons during your period, make sure you seek medical help:

Sudden high fever Vomiting Diarrhea
Low blood pressure Seizures Rash on palms or soles of feet
Muscle aches Redness of your eyes, mouth and/or throat

 

To minimize your risk of this potentially life-threatening condition:

Avoid super absorbent tampons – choose the lowest absorbency rate to handle your flow Never leave a tampon inserted overnight; use overnight pads instead When inserting a tampon, be extremely careful not to scratch your vaginal lining (avoid plastic applicators)
Alternate the use of tampons with sanitary napkins or mini-pads during your period Change tampons at least every 4-6 hours Do not use a tampon between periods

Many of today’s feminine hygiene products are made primarily from rayon, vicose, and cellulose wood fluff pulp… not cotton — let alone organic cotton. Rayon and viscose present a potential danger in part because of their highly absorbent fibers. When used in tampons, these fibers can stick to your vaginal wall, and when you remove the tampon, the loosened fibers stay behind inside your body, thereby raising your risk of TSS.

Fortunately, there are safer alternatives, and since the FDA regulates tampon absorbency, all tampons on the market must meet the same absorption guidelines. According to Dr. Philip Tierno, a Clinical Professor of Microbiology and Pathology at NYU Medical Centre, 100 percent cotton tampons “consistently test under detectable levels for TSS toxins.” Based on her own research, Andrea recommends the following brands of tampons and sanitary pads listed below. I’ve also created an exclusive line of organic cotton feminine hygiene products, which you can find in my online store.

  • Natracare
  • Diva Cup
  • Seventh Generation Chlorine Free Organic Cotton Tampons
  • Glad Rags Organic Pads
  • Organyc 100% Organic Cotton Tampons

– See more at: http://www.theunknownbutnothidden.com/women-beware-feminine-hygiene-products-contain-toxic-ingredients/#sthash.WzEqrJRG.dpuf”

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ever upwardI am so excited I could spit! In the mail today was Justine Brooks Froelker’s new book, Ever Upward!!! I can’t wait to start reading it tonight. Thank you Justine for the little note, it made my day 🙂 Get your copy now…

 

 

ever upward

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Climbing My Way to Happy.

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I cannot thank my little sis enough for introducing me to rock climbing. She recently moved back home after graduating college from UC Santa Cruz and is an avid rock climber. If you know those banana slugs you know what hippie, liberal, nature, climber, freaks they are. I have to say they are on to something.

Since she has been home I have started climbing and I am IN LOVE OBSESSEDDDDDDDDD. {It happened again tonight. The shear feeling of happiness and joy filled my heart. Filled my whole body. The happy sweet spot.} Climbing is exhilarating, challenging, and just plain awesome. I am facing fears and letting go of them. I am breaking boundaries mentally and physically. Climbing is a powerful tool for self discovery and overcoming self-imposed limitations. It is You vs. You. In life and especially with infertility, I feel like it is a constant game of Me vs. Me. My mind constantly talking. My body letting me down. With climbing I feel like it helps you quite the inner mind games and focus on what is true to be and in the now. I am learning to trust my body again, which I have started to loose faith in because of infertility. My body is a lot stronger and more powerful than I have been giving it credit for. Climbing is also proven to be very therapeutic. Here are some other benefits I have been noticing/what rock climbing will help you with:

Goal setting

Relieves stress

Full body workout

You vs. You

Gives you Confidence

Perseverance

A smokin’ hot bod

I don’t know about you, but some of these sound like things we have to deal with on a daily bases with infertility- goal setting, perseverance… But how about practicing those things in a positive way and gaining some of the things back that infertility has stolen from us like confidence, stress release, a smokin’ hot bod? I know it’s hard sometimes to step outside of the baby making world when you are so deep in it, but I am telling you, once you take some real quality time for yourself mentally and physically, things will start to change. I have said it before and I will say it again, happiness is the one emotional I believe everyone is striving for the most and is the hardest to keep. All I know is that I am happy. And I will keep climbing towards that happiness one hold at a time.

Remember it’s not just about how high you climb, but how high climbing makes you feel!

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Inner Transformations

Yeah! I got my new book in the mail, Inner Transformations Using Essential Oils.

I already skipped to the chapter on Infertility & Sex Hormones and I gotta say it’s pretty interesting stuff. Dr. LeAnne has found that most women who cannot get pregnant have problems with their bowel and liver functions. Stagnant bowels send toxins into the uterus and a malfunctioning liver causes hormonal imbalances. She says by doing a colon and liver cleanse that most of her female patients got pregnant within 3-6 months. Of all the women she worked with, where their husbands had viable sperm, only five did not get pregnant after doing the cleanses and these five women were all sisters who had emotional issues. On top of that, most of the women she works with have unexplained infertility or hormonal imbalances. Encouraging.

Another huge thing is progesterone and estrogen balance in the body. We all know progesterone is a key factor in getting pregnant and maintaining a pregnancy, but I feel like we forget about estrogen. Generally speaking, the majority of women have an excess amount of estrogen and a deficiency of progesterone. It is important to balance the two. I have found that even on progesterone suppositories my number was really low and I would break through bleed while taking it. Not a good sign.

I will be doing the colon cleanse immediately, followed by the Master Cleanse this winter {I hate the master cleanse, but I gotta do what I gotta do}, and then the liver cleanse in spring. We will see what comes from it! I will also be starting Progessence from Young Living Essential Oils.

There is so much great information in this book if you are looking to go the holistic route in dealing with fertility treatments as well as great info on other ways to get your vital organs and inner body in tip top shape using oils and vitamins.

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