infertility is kicking my ass.

I have been having a rough few days. I feel like when I am making progress in my journey I encounter more set backs. How can I be soooo high one day and so low the next? It is a very helpless feeling.

It all started Friday. Ok, if I am being honest, I haven’t really been feeling great since the bachelorette party when my bff told me she was pregnant. I guess I have been taking the news harder than I wanted to admit. My inner mind has been driving me crazy for a week. I haven’t been sleeping well, I have been analyzing her situation, my situation, the whole nine yards. Anyways it all caught up with me over the weekend.

My period started Friday. Usually this doesn’t effect me anymore, as I assume it is coming and I stopped getting my hopes up a while ago, but for some reason this month I really felt like maybe I could get pregnant on my own. I have been eating healthy, working out, praying, thinking positive, and I even started my Fertilitea.

I had a crazy busy weekend with weddings, which adds extra stress.

My bff is pregnant, along with about 5 other people I know who have announced their pregnancy within the last week. Its weird how it comes in waves and it is one of those times. oh joy.

Did I mention my period started?

So on top of feeling like shit all of Saturday- I literally was holding back tears the whole way to do my wedding and then again on the way home, I come home to a box and a note from my fertility Dr. {Mind you I have not heard from him or the clinic since our last failed IUI in June.} Inside was my camelback water bottle that I had accidently left at the office the day of our IUI and a note that said,Dear Rikki, I hope you’re well and perhaps even successful with a pregnancy… it really doesn’t matter what the rest of the note says because this fucking set me off. REALLYYYY??? You never called to check on me after my last IUI and now you are writing a note hoping I have a successful pregnancy? Remember how YOU didn’t get me pregnant?? You know I have unexplained infertility right? You know you should never assume an infertile is pregnant on their own? I am super thankful to get my camelback back considering they are expensive and my husband has banned me from buying another one until I got this one back, But really? Really?

Obviously I lost my shit. Totally and completely lost it. Hubs was a saint and so was my Mom.

The only saving grace was that I got my Diva Cup in the mail and I couldn’t wait to use it. Gross I know. But super cool. I cannot believe that this was the little shed of light that was carrying me through the day… I can’t wait to get home and see how much blood I have in my little cup!

I feel like my feelings surrounding my friends pregnancies are not validated. Like when I say I wasn’t that upset or I didn’t feel like crying when my bff told me she was pregnant and I get the response back “good. that’s good you didn’t feel that way.” It is like people are saying “good, you shouldn’t feel like crying, because it is not a crying matter.” But what if I said I wasn’t ok and that I wanted to scream and cry? Is that ok or just selfish?

I feel like no one is empathetic or understands what I am going through. Sure people feel sorry for me or have sympathy, but I do not believe anyone truly understands how I am feeling.

I feel so alone.

I feel frustrated.

I feel like I cannot grieve yet. I cannot grieve because I don’t know what I am supposed to be grieving. I cannot grieve yet because we haven’t gotten any answers. I could grieve if someone told me, “Rikki, you will never get pregnant.” Ok I could grieve that and move on with how I am supposed to have a child in another way. I cannot grieve because we are not done trying. We are in this miserable, shithole limbo.

I feel angry. At myself and every pregnant girl out there.

I just want to feel “normal” again. I want my life back pre infertility, when I was naïve and happy.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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9 thoughts on “infertility is kicking my ass.

  1. Fuck…I feel this to the T. Especially the last few days. Extreme highs and brutal lows. Infertility can turn us against ourselves quick. Remember the things you like about yourself and why you started TTC in the first place. Sometimes it’s the only way to get back in the sanity horse.

    • I’m sorry girly! It suuuuckkkssss!!! Sometimes I wish I was an addict so I could just drink all day every day. Ha just kidding. Thank you and you’re right I need to remember why we started and think about the bigger picture 🙂

  2. Oh man, I feel you. I can relate to so much of this. Being ok one day and then not the next. All the complicated feelings around your BFF. Not feeling validated or like complicated feelings are ok to have. Feeling like no one understands, and instead are just getting pity. I’ve been there so many times. I’m so sorry you’re feeling all of this, I know how hard it is. I’m thinking of you. xo

  3. Amen! I have to remember that they just can’t really empathize if they haven’t been through this. Everyone has or will have their own struggles in life, but this is such a complex situation. It’s hurtful when your closest friends and family dismiss it (or it feels like they might as well) as unimportant. For me, this is the most meaningful thing I’ll ever experience in life. The battle to create a new life that I will love and nurture until the day I die. The fear that it will never happen, that I will die without ever holding my baby in my arms, never nursing, never see my child’s first smile, first laugh, first tears, first words, first day of school, first date, graduation, etc. For those that haven’t been through it and are trying to relate, I want to say, imagine erasing every memory of your child’s life and all you are left with is an unfulfilled dream. That is how we feel!

  4. I am so sorry to hear it has been rough. Thinking of you and sending strength, clarity and that bitch called patience. Months after we ended our journey we got a letter from our doctor saying how sorry they were that the transfers never worked but that they were of course recommending another round and thought we could achieve pregnancy yea, thanks for the reminder and fuck you. Love you! J

  5. connieann says:

    Hi Rikki. You are definitely allowed to grieve. Studies have shown that dealing with infertility is even more stressful than having cancer. Why? Because cancer patients have emotional support from the people they love, while infertility patients usually do not. People just don’t understand. There is nothing wrong at all with the way you’re feeling. And you are definitely not alone. 🙂

  6. It is so hard being stuck in limbo! What you are feeling is perfectly normal. What if you were straight with people that pregnancies were difficult? I was very fortunate to have a close friend who had gone through IF and opened the door for me to be able to be honest that it was difficult. It didn’t make the pg any easier, but it at least gave me the space to grieve. It’s very hard for anyone who has not gone through IF to understand what it’s like. For me, it has been awesome to have the internet where at least I could vent and talk to other women who had been in my shoes!

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