Wanderlust

Another week. Another trip. I guess this is how I am dealing with the fact that I am unable to produce a babes. I have been pre-occupying my mind and body with travel so I don’t have time to be sad about my un-pregnated belly. San Felipe, to Santa Cruz to San Francisco, to stay-cationing at Mission Beach. Next on the list is Napa, Oregon, and hopefully DC before one of my best friends moves! I am also planning a 30th birthday to Puerto Rico next year. I may just travel for the rest of my life… This is actually a fantastic way to keep ones self busy and happy. I love love love to travel and I am fortunate enough that I am able to do so.

We should probably be saving our money for infertility purposes, but I just don’t want to right now! I don’t want to think about anything other than me, myself, and I… and Husband and Dorie Dog 🙂 You know that quote, “Not all that wander are lost.”? Well I want to get lost. I want my mind, body, and soul to get unequivocally lost for a while. It has felt so good lately to not have to be on any sort of schedule. I almost forgot what it was like to have sex to just have sex. I almost forgot how to have a normal conversation that didn’t involve any type of baby lingo. And damn. It feels good to just be a 20 something year old getting piss drunk with my husband on a Saturday night while skinny dipping in the moonlight.

Although I have been bitching a lot lately I know how blessed I am. I am blessed to have the resources to pursue other options with fertility. I am blessed to have such supportive family and friends. I am blessed to have a roof over my head. I am blessed to have a puppy who snuggles. I am blessed with a job that gives me freedom to do the things I love. I am blessed to have a loving husband. I am blessed to be able to get lost for just a little while in a new adventure…

On another note. Since no babies I guess we get more of these ladies. Six more chix.

Post 19.

I have been MIA in life lately. It has been a rough go the past couple of weeks. I am annoyed at everyone and everything.

Things have been snowballing for me since last week. There are some factors that may have caused this to happen, but I rather not go into it here. I keep forgetting it has only been a little over a month since our last attempt at IUI failed. I forget it has only been 5 weeks since I accepted the fact that we were taking a little time off. I forget that it has only been 35 days since I was told “you are not pregnant”. That number is a little ironic since we have been trying for 35 months now to conceive with no success. I try and remind myself that this isn’t a wound that is going to heal easily. It is going to take a lot of triple antibiotic and TLC.

I have been noticing some not so good behaviors that have started to intensify. My OCD cleanliness is at an all time high- I can at least control my surrounds if nothing else. I talk more shit about everyone else around me more than ever. I snap at the tiniest thing- I’m like a little Chihuahua. I feel angry and out of control. My inner mind is rambling on and on and I haven’t learned how to quiet it. I see this behavior. I acknowledge this behavior. Now comes the hard part: changing it.

I think the best thing I can do right now is continue with my workout routine. When the endorphins are flowing it is really hard to feel angry or sad and if I do, I put that into my training. I am feeling stronger physically and I hope this will relay to my emotional mind as well. I am also learning how to quiet my mind through meditations. Our inner voice{mind} tends to talk and talk and talk to us. It makes us worry about things that we can’t control. I am learning that no matter how much my inner voice{mind} worries about life’s different scenarios, or how much it bashes things, it will never change what is going to happen. Life will go on with its plan whether my mind says to or not.

I will try and stay positive. I will work on being my best self. And most importantly I will work on not getting down on myself for having bad days. Tomorrow is a new day…

Me post workout. “You will never regret a workout or sex.”- Angie Tieman. Best advice I got all week!

Social Media. I loath You.

Today. Today. Today. I don’t know why but I am bummin’ today. It surprises me that I am feeling so low when this week has been filled with such highs. I am accrediting my feelings to {anti}social media. Although it can be great, it can also be a source of pain, anxiety, and pressure when it comes to dealing with my infertility. The anxiety of getting on social media and seeing another baby bump. The pain of knowing it isn’t happening for me. The pressure of time and likeness.

Two women I follow on Instagram announced they were just finishing their first trimester of pregnancy. I don’t understand why today I feel jealous of them and sad. I thought I was being strong. I thought I had moved past these feelings. I thought I really didn’t care that we had decided to back off “trying” for a year. But for some reason all my negative feelings came rushing back into my gut this morning.

This is one reason I decided to get off Facebook back in January {lets be honest, it only lasted a few months.} I just couldn’t take one more person posting a sonogram picture of their alien baby saying “I’M PREGNANT!” without almost throwing my iPhone across the room or bad mouthing them to my husband. He was over it. I was over it. Social media is weird thing. Sometimes I wonder if I really want to be pregnant or if I just feel the pressure to want it because everyone in the world is doing it and I can’t. I have a serious case of FOMO {fear of missing out}. I find when I am not on social media or out and about I feel safe because I can control what my eyes see and my ears hear. I don’t ever have to see another person preggo because I am holed up in my little bubble {without Instagram or Facebook} watching Orange is the New Black and drinking a bottle of white. I know I can’t live a life like that. I can choose to shelter myself a little bit until my full coat of armor comes back, but I need to learn to cope with the fact that I cannot change the world around me. New life is going to sprout whether I like it or not. I need to come to the realization that I am going to have good days and bad days. My sadness is not just going to go away over night. It may take awhile for me to not want to bash my head against the wall next time I see someone else knocked up. That is ok.

So I am back on Facebook. What I have learned through my time away is that I don’t need to be checking peoples status updates every 5 seconds. I don’t need social media to control my emotions. I control my own happiness and emotions. And guess what? You can block status updates you don’t want to see- like when another one of my friends announces they are pregnant or they are oversharing pictures of their weird looking baby. They have no idea and we are both happy 🙂

Right before I got Dunked! It’s official. I got baptized last night and it was a truly amazing experience. It was the perfect San Diego evening at the beach. My Pastor Matt got to be the one to perform it. My dearest family and friends were there to support me, along with so many others from Flood. I wouldn’t have had it any other way. Casual, at the beach, sand in my toes, salt in my hair, in my jean shorts. Thank you for the showering of love and support. It is more than I ever expected. I am so happy to be a part of this amazing family. xoxo brothers + sisters.

dunking.

MY{notmy}Body + Infertility

So I don’t know if this happened to ya’ll who are struggling with infertility or just me, but I got fat while I have been trying to conceive {and I’m not talking about the phat- pretty, hot, and temping kind 😉}. I know that isn’t a good positive word to use in reference to my body, but it’s harsh and the truth. Between the stress of trying to get preggo {I am not one of those lucky ones who get rail thin, I am the kind that ends of looking like a marshmallow}, scarfing down and injecting myself with different medications {I feel like a lab rat}, being told not to have a strenuous workout routine- or start one because it could effect getting pregnant, and overall just focusing on trying to get pregnant and enjoying it, I am definitely not at my “happy” weight. I have become soft in places I didn’t know existed and have moved into a bra size too high in the alphabet. I can’t continue to blame it all on oh I might be pregnant this month or my 10 pound boobs. Being a little overweight may even be causing my unexplained infertility.

It has been a long time since I have felt like my body is my own. I haven’t had claim over it in well over 2 years. Well body I am ready to take you back! {Sorry honey I know you like curvy women, but I really think you just tell me that to be nice and supportive}. Focusing my non-baby making energy on something healthy, happy, and positive has had me more motivated than ever to get my body to its happy place. My goals:

– Loose 15lbs by October 26 {My birthday!}

– Get my BMI down by 7%

– Get moving! Do something I enjoy cardio wise 5 times a week. This can be swimming, walking, rock climbing, gardening, cleaning out my garage, anything that has my heart pumpin’ and sweat rollin’

– Do yoga once a week

– Eat healthier. We are not focusing on this just yet since I eat pretty well. I am mostly focusing on getting into a workout routine, which I have not committedly done in 3 years. EEEkkkkk

For now these are my short term goals. Not too many because I want them to seem real and attainable. A special thanks to my sis in law Angie who is working with me. She is starting a new business and I am her guiney pig. If anyone is interested in private personal/health training- its honestly more than just that- please let me know!

I would love to be held accountable and I would love it if anyone {in the San Diego area} is interested in being a walking, yoga, or gym buddy. Obviously there will be wine or coffee involved after our workout for positive reinforcement! Readyyyy GO!

Faith + Infertility

A couple of Sundays ago there was a really great message at Church that struck a cord. It was about trusting God {I think it might have been about some other stuff too, regarding sex and chemistry, but I took trusting God away from it}. I know I have heard messages like this before in Church, but I don’t think my heart was open or ready to hear them at the time.

I have been struggling with how to have faith and trust in God in my journey with infertility. The Bible says “You shall be blessed above all peoples; there shall not be a male or female barren among you or among your livestock. Deuteronomy 7:14 So what does this mean for those of us who are Christians and are still struggling with infertility?

My husband has been a believer in Christ his whole life, he is a good Christian man, so obviously he shouldn’t be barren. Myself on the other hand- well {cough, cough}- I have not been a perfect human- I guess no one is. I have strayed and then recommitted myself to Jesus many times. I didn’t grow up in a religious family, but I have always had the belief that there is a God or a higher power- even in my dark days. I have struggled with what being a Christian means. I feel like it is the popular lunch table at school and I haven’t quite figured out how to squeeze my behind in to fit with all the others sitting there. Then I realized it is easy. What being a Christian means is to have faith and trust in God. Have trust and faith that God knows best. Trust and faith that I have changed on the inside and I am not controlled from the outside. It means that my heart has been changed by the presence of God. It does not mean that I am required to go to church, required to pay tithes, required to be good, required to do anything in order to stay a Christian. It means I desire to do those things because I have been changed and I have trust and faith in God. I have trust and faith that there is enough room at the table for my behind.

Giving in and giving it up to God has brought me the kind of peace I have been searching for, for 3 years. { lets be honest, I really only came to this realization about a month ago} “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace.” John 16:33. I know not everyone is religious or spiritual, but this is a heavy burden to carry and having faith in something bigger than me has helped ease that heaviness a little, especially now with our second failed IUI. Hubs said something I thought was pretty profound the other day about our situation with infertility. He said that no doctors can tell us why we are not getting pregnant. He said everything is perfect with us health wise and fertility wise. He said that under the most perfect circumstances we are still not getting pregnant. So, that has lead him to believe that it is most definitely in God’s hands and that it is not in his perfect timing. Hubs truly believes that God has a plan for us and this is not it. It makes perfect simple sense. He has trust and faith that we will be parents, just not yet. It is a little harder for me to grasp this concept but I am working on it. It’s my type A personality coming out.

Even though I still have questions and curiosities about God and his plan, I will continue to pray. I will continue to have trust and faith that God knows my story better than I do. His timing is right in all things. I pray that our infertility is temporary and that God will show us grace and favor in our journey.

ps. I am getting baptized next week at the beach! Very excited to take this next step…

What Now…

I can’t believe our journey is over… for now anyways. With our second failed IUI we have decided to cool it for awhile and enjoy life together. For us the next steps in trying to have a baby will come at a great cost and lots of major decisions. I don’t think hubs and I are ready for all that right now. I am definitely taking time to grieve and be sad, but I am not letting it control my life.

Ways to console ones self:

* buy a new handbag. ~~I bought~~ hubs bought me a new Kate Spade purse and wallet that I have been wanting for a long time. I even got a cream colored one since I won’t be having a baby that will spit up or poop on it anytime soon.

* get a new car. Yes we bought a new car. All the bells and whistles. I am in LOVE. { thanks bro and sis in law} I am making up excuses to drive it everywhere. “Honey are you sure you don’t need me to run to Target again?”

* get a chocolate malt from Cold Stone. Chocolate helps everything. It may be the cause of some of my woes, but it is the cure as well.

* dance your booty off. We had a wedding yesterday and it was great to just let it all out on the dance floor.

* drink more wine than usual. Have 4 glasses instead of 2.

* tan it out. Vitamin D is good for the soul.

* convince hubs we need another puppy. Dorie dog for sure needs a fur brother or sister.

Hubs was sweet and brought me flowers and a card when everything went down, but we really hadn’t had a conversation about what’s next. As we were sitting at the pool yesterday in silence Hubs says, “We are so blessed.” He went on to point out all the good we have in our life, how fortunate we are to have such a loving and caring family, how blessed we are to have a beautiful home, and how lucky we are to have found love with each other. That is all enough for me, he said. He told me he loves me no matter what, and that if we never have children he will still love me the same {even when I am acting like a poop sandwich}… I realized he was right. We have soooo much to be thankful for.

I am looking forward to focusing on myself. I am looking forward to focusing on my husband. I am looking forward to not peeing on a stick every day of my life, and not reading pregnancy forums, and not being stressed about “is this the month?!”, and not laying in bed for 30 minutes after the deed with my legs in the air, and not having some doctor be up in my privates every week. Most importantly, I am looking forward to having sex with my husband whenever I want to just because I want to! I don’t know what the future holds for us. I don’t know how our journey with infertility will end. All I know is that I kind of can’t wait for what is next.

Post 12.

Yesterday was awful. Just awful.

Let me back up. It all started on Monday evening. I am 11dpiui and should not be getting Aunt Flow until Saturday. I started to have a tiny bit of brown spotting. I was really excited because I NEVER spot between periods and I always have a 28 day cycle. So of course I am thinking “implantation bleeding!!” It came and went and was hardly anything.

Yesterday I woke up and I had started spotting again, this time a little bit more and a little more pink, but it was still on and off. I decided to call my Dr. and see if I could come in for a beta {blood pregnancy test} and progesterone test just to see what was going on. I would either know if I was preggo or know if I wasn’t, and find out if my progesterone may be low which can cause spotting. {this was after I had caved and spent at least an hour researching implantation bleeding, twins and implantation bleeding, etc. online.} So the Doc says that if I come in by 12:00pm I could get my results later that afternoon. I had called at 10:45am and it takes me 45mins to get to the office! Flash to me throwing on clothes, jumping in the car, and driving 80 down the freeway. I was feeling very anxious and on the verge of tears for some reason. This was going to be it. I was going to find out today if I was pregnant or not.

So after they took a vile of blood, I had the afternoon to wait… and wait… and wait… Surprisingly I had less anxiety waiting to hear from the doctor than I did before getting my blood drawn. At 4:00pm I got the call. The call that I braced myself to hear, but didn’t want to accept. Negative. Your test is negative. You are not pregnant. You have an empty womb. The back to back IUI’s didn’t work. All that money and time and shots was for nothing…. After the Dr. told me the test was negative he said that it is still early. He really wants me to wait until Saturday to test again. He didn’t want to get my hopes up, but because I am having very little spotting and no cramps he wants me to stay on the progesterone and test at home on Saturday to make sure. This could be implantation bleeding… I didn’t even know what to say. I still don’t.

I have so many emotions. I thought I was strong. I thought that I had it together. I thought I was ok with whatever was meant to be will be. But I don’t know now. I really just wanted a straight forward answer today. Now I have to wait 3 more days to see another negative pregnancy test. I can feel it. It is such an emotional roller coaster and I wish I could jump off. I am so ovvverrrrrr itttttt! Sorry to be a Debbie Downer, but today is an off day and I guess that is ok.

**UPDATE**

As I was getting ready for bed last night Aunt Flow came on full force- or so I thought… This morning when I woke up all there was, was a little bit of brown in the Tammy! – I know TMI… So now I don’t know what to think. I thought I was out so I did not take my progesterone. I actually felt better knowing for sure this cycle was done, but now I am more confused than ever on what my body is doing. I am not used to having abnormal cycles. Sooooo overrrrr it!!! Oh ya. I already said that.

Jealous or Envious?

One of my best friends asked me a question recently, “Are you jealous or envious of other women who are pregnant? What is the difference between you feeling jealous or envious?” At the time I had an understanding that they are different emotions, but I didn’t quite know how to explain it…

I came across a fellow blogger on here and love how she explained the two:

“Throughout my work of recovery I have come to understand jealously a little differently. It first started at the Emerging Women conference last October in Boulder when I saw an interview with Tami Simon and Alanis Morissette. Tami interviewed Alanis about the book she is writing and about her work with Relationships First. One of the points she spoke about was what she thinks the difference between jealousy and envy is. She said that jealousy is about connection; that when we are jealous of someone or something it is about self improvement, we want it too. But when we are envious of something we not only want it for ourselves but we want to take it away from the other person, making it not about connection but disconnection. She used a really simple example of her hair. She said something to the effect that she knew many of us in the audience were jealous of how great her hair looked (it was the shiniest most beautiful head of hair I’ve ever seen). She said that some of us were probably jealous of it (for me, she was completely saw my green accurately). She said we just wanted some of the hair gods to shine on us too. So her suggestion was to go out and buy the pomade she used to make it look that gorgeous. She then explained that if we were envious of her hair it would be more about chopping it off her head for ourselves so that not even she could have the luxury of this beautiful mane.”- follow Justine Froelker

So there it is. I feel jealous. NOT envious. I would never want to take away someone else’s joy or happiness. I would never want another woman to feel the pain of infertility. BUT, I do allow myself to feel jealous. I think jealously is a natural emotion to have when we want something someone else has and we don’t.

Justine also points out how healing jealously can actually come from celebrating it. Yes, I know that sounds crazy but celebrating jealously can actually cure it! I didn’t realize I was already doing this. I am curing myself every time I participate in the vary things I want so badly. Every time I go to a baby shower. Every time I hang out with my mommy friends and their babies. Every time I over night baby sit for my nephew. Every time I go to a 1 year old birthday party my jealously ceases a little bit. I actually feel satisfied and good at the end of the day.

It is easy to let jealously and self pitty get in the way of important connections and relationships. The grass is always greener on the other side right? I am sure some of my mommy friends have been jealous of me. So let yourself feel jealous- but only for a little bit. Then put your big girl panties on and embrace this beautiful life you have been blessed with each morning.

The Chronicles of the Unfruitfulness

Overcoming infertility through humor + patience.

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