MY{notmy}Body + Infertility

So I don’t know if this happened to ya’ll who are struggling with infertility or just me, but I got fat while I have been trying to conceive {and I’m not talking about the phat- pretty, hot, and temping kind 😉}. I know that isn’t a good positive word to use in reference to my body, but it’s harsh and the truth. Between the stress of trying to get preggo {I am not one of those lucky ones who get rail thin, I am the kind that ends of looking like a marshmallow}, scarfing down and injecting myself with different medications {I feel like a lab rat}, being told not to have a strenuous workout routine- or start one because it could effect getting pregnant, and overall just focusing on trying to get pregnant and enjoying it, I am definitely not at my “happy” weight. I have become soft in places I didn’t know existed and have moved into a bra size too high in the alphabet. I can’t continue to blame it all on oh I might be pregnant this month or my 10 pound boobs. Being a little overweight may even be causing my unexplained infertility.

It has been a long time since I have felt like my body is my own. I haven’t had claim over it in well over 2 years. Well body I am ready to take you back! {Sorry honey I know you like curvy women, but I really think you just tell me that to be nice and supportive}. Focusing my non-baby making energy on something healthy, happy, and positive has had me more motivated than ever to get my body to its happy place. My goals:

– Loose 15lbs by October 26 {My birthday!}

– Get my BMI down by 7%

– Get moving! Do something I enjoy cardio wise 5 times a week. This can be swimming, walking, rock climbing, gardening, cleaning out my garage, anything that has my heart pumpin’ and sweat rollin’

– Do yoga once a week

– Eat healthier. We are not focusing on this just yet since I eat pretty well. I am mostly focusing on getting into a workout routine, which I have not committedly done in 3 years. EEEkkkkk

For now these are my short term goals. Not too many because I want them to seem real and attainable. A special thanks to my sis in law Angie who is working with me. She is starting a new business and I am her guiney pig. If anyone is interested in private personal/health training- its honestly more than just that- please let me know!

I would love to be held accountable and I would love it if anyone {in the San Diego area} is interested in being a walking, yoga, or gym buddy. Obviously there will be wine or coffee involved after our workout for positive reinforcement! Readyyyy GO!

Faith + Infertility

A couple of Sundays ago there was a really great message at Church that struck a cord. It was about trusting God {I think it might have been about some other stuff too, regarding sex and chemistry, but I took trusting God away from it}. I know I have heard messages like this before in Church, but I don’t think my heart was open or ready to hear them at the time.

I have been struggling with how to have faith and trust in God in my journey with infertility. The Bible says “You shall be blessed above all peoples; there shall not be a male or female barren among you or among your livestock. Deuteronomy 7:14 So what does this mean for those of us who are Christians and are still struggling with infertility?

My husband has been a believer in Christ his whole life, he is a good Christian man, so obviously he shouldn’t be barren. Myself on the other hand- well {cough, cough}- I have not been a perfect human- I guess no one is. I have strayed and then recommitted myself to Jesus many times. I didn’t grow up in a religious family, but I have always had the belief that there is a God or a higher power- even in my dark days. I have struggled with what being a Christian means. I feel like it is the popular lunch table at school and I haven’t quite figured out how to squeeze my behind in to fit with all the others sitting there. Then I realized it is easy. What being a Christian means is to have faith and trust in God. Have trust and faith that God knows best. Trust and faith that I have changed on the inside and I am not controlled from the outside. It means that my heart has been changed by the presence of God. It does not mean that I am required to go to church, required to pay tithes, required to be good, required to do anything in order to stay a Christian. It means I desire to do those things because I have been changed and I have trust and faith in God. I have trust and faith that there is enough room at the table for my behind.

Giving in and giving it up to God has brought me the kind of peace I have been searching for, for 3 years. { lets be honest, I really only came to this realization about a month ago} “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace.” John 16:33. I know not everyone is religious or spiritual, but this is a heavy burden to carry and having faith in something bigger than me has helped ease that heaviness a little, especially now with our second failed IUI. Hubs said something I thought was pretty profound the other day about our situation with infertility. He said that no doctors can tell us why we are not getting pregnant. He said everything is perfect with us health wise and fertility wise. He said that under the most perfect circumstances we are still not getting pregnant. So, that has lead him to believe that it is most definitely in God’s hands and that it is not in his perfect timing. Hubs truly believes that God has a plan for us and this is not it. It makes perfect simple sense. He has trust and faith that we will be parents, just not yet. It is a little harder for me to grasp this concept but I am working on it. It’s my type A personality coming out.

Even though I still have questions and curiosities about God and his plan, I will continue to pray. I will continue to have trust and faith that God knows my story better than I do. His timing is right in all things. I pray that our infertility is temporary and that God will show us grace and favor in our journey.

ps. I am getting baptized next week at the beach! Very excited to take this next step…

Great Article

I came across this very relatable article online by resolve.org… So yeah be nice to us!!!

Why Can’t I Get Pregnant? The Emotional Impact of Unexplained Infertility

By Victoria Hopewell
Published in Resolve for the journey and beyond, Winter 2011

You and your partner have just been punched––you have been told that you are among the twenty percent of couples who suffer from “unexplained infertility.” That news is devastating. It hits you both in belly and heart. How can there not be a reason? You’re right back where you started, a year or two or three ago. Once again you are in the dark. Infertility without explanation in the twenty-first century feels as if you have been told that you have bubonic plague in the Middle Ages and no one knows why.

Your anxiety increases because no one can identify the cause. Even if the result of those interminable, painful, intrusive tests had been that you or your partner could not have a biological child, at least then you could grieve and move on. You feel powerless to act because you do not know what the problem is or how to correct it. Your sense of hopelessness and immobilization brings with it a greater risk for depression. No surprise––anxiety and depression are the two predominant emotional reactions for the diagnosis of unexplained infertility (Wischmann et al.,1998).

You find it more stressful to talk with the family and friends who might provide much-needed support because you have no answers for them. You are not alone. One study found that the couples with no clear etiology for infertility experienced the most social strain (Smith et al., 2009). In another study, even three years after failed IVF attempts, couples with unexplained infertility were found to have unresolved grief and to be haunted by their inability to explain to others and themselves why they could not become pregnant (Volgsten et al., 2010). The researchers concluded that counseling might be needed to help couples deal with the ambiguity of their situation. Counseling also can help those with unexplained infertility focus on other life areas that are controllable and that provide a sense of efficacy and well-being (Paul et al., 2010).

In my own baby quest, I developed a bad case of “delusions of eggdeur” when my hormone levels were good and I passed my hysterosalpingogram with flying colors¬¬ — that pretty-in-pink procedure where the doctor shot pink dye throughout my reproductive system to make sure that the passages were clear. After I had optimistically tried IVF five times with my own eggs and failed, the loss was even more traumatic. I had been positive that I would succeed since the doctors had found no physical roadblocks on my path to pregnancy. After all those doomed attempts, the phrase that I kept repeating was from Shakespeare’s Macbeth: “full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.”

Why can’t we get pregnant? That may remain the unsolved mystery that a couple needs to accept. Then you can decide how to proceed while living with the unknown. Some couples with unexplained infertility will become pregnant on their own (Guzick, 2000). Even without knowing what is the matter, modern medicine can offer other baby- making opportunities and the possibility of a successful outcome (Guzick, 2000). I myself journeyed toward acceptance of using a donor egg. Making choices along the baby route leads to a sense of empowerment, and it can help to overcome the anxiety and depression that often accompany the unexplained infertility diagnosis.

What Now…

I can’t believe our journey is over… for now anyways. With our second failed IUI we have decided to cool it for awhile and enjoy life together. For us the next steps in trying to have a baby will come at a great cost and lots of major decisions. I don’t think hubs and I are ready for all that right now. I am definitely taking time to grieve and be sad, but I am not letting it control my life.

Ways to console ones self:

* buy a new handbag. ~~I bought~~ hubs bought me a new Kate Spade purse and wallet that I have been wanting for a long time. I even got a cream colored one since I won’t be having a baby that will spit up or poop on it anytime soon.

* get a new car. Yes we bought a new car. All the bells and whistles. I am in LOVE. { thanks bro and sis in law} I am making up excuses to drive it everywhere. “Honey are you sure you don’t need me to run to Target again?”

* get a chocolate malt from Cold Stone. Chocolate helps everything. It may be the cause of some of my woes, but it is the cure as well.

* dance your booty off. We had a wedding yesterday and it was great to just let it all out on the dance floor.

* drink more wine than usual. Have 4 glasses instead of 2.

* tan it out. Vitamin D is good for the soul.

* convince hubs we need another puppy. Dorie dog for sure needs a fur brother or sister.

Hubs was sweet and brought me flowers and a card when everything went down, but we really hadn’t had a conversation about what’s next. As we were sitting at the pool yesterday in silence Hubs says, “We are so blessed.” He went on to point out all the good we have in our life, how fortunate we are to have such a loving and caring family, how blessed we are to have a beautiful home, and how lucky we are to have found love with each other. That is all enough for me, he said. He told me he loves me no matter what, and that if we never have children he will still love me the same {even when I am acting like a poop sandwich}… I realized he was right. We have soooo much to be thankful for.

I am looking forward to focusing on myself. I am looking forward to focusing on my husband. I am looking forward to not peeing on a stick every day of my life, and not reading pregnancy forums, and not being stressed about “is this the month?!”, and not laying in bed for 30 minutes after the deed with my legs in the air, and not having some doctor be up in my privates every week. Most importantly, I am looking forward to having sex with my husband whenever I want to just because I want to! I don’t know what the future holds for us. I don’t know how our journey with infertility will end. All I know is that I kind of can’t wait for what is next.

Post 12.

Yesterday was awful. Just awful.

Let me back up. It all started on Monday evening. I am 11dpiui and should not be getting Aunt Flow until Saturday. I started to have a tiny bit of brown spotting. I was really excited because I NEVER spot between periods and I always have a 28 day cycle. So of course I am thinking “implantation bleeding!!” It came and went and was hardly anything.

Yesterday I woke up and I had started spotting again, this time a little bit more and a little more pink, but it was still on and off. I decided to call my Dr. and see if I could come in for a beta {blood pregnancy test} and progesterone test just to see what was going on. I would either know if I was preggo or know if I wasn’t, and find out if my progesterone may be low which can cause spotting. {this was after I had caved and spent at least an hour researching implantation bleeding, twins and implantation bleeding, etc. online.} So the Doc says that if I come in by 12:00pm I could get my results later that afternoon. I had called at 10:45am and it takes me 45mins to get to the office! Flash to me throwing on clothes, jumping in the car, and driving 80 down the freeway. I was feeling very anxious and on the verge of tears for some reason. This was going to be it. I was going to find out today if I was pregnant or not.

So after they took a vile of blood, I had the afternoon to wait… and wait… and wait… Surprisingly I had less anxiety waiting to hear from the doctor than I did before getting my blood drawn. At 4:00pm I got the call. The call that I braced myself to hear, but didn’t want to accept. Negative. Your test is negative. You are not pregnant. You have an empty womb. The back to back IUI’s didn’t work. All that money and time and shots was for nothing…. After the Dr. told me the test was negative he said that it is still early. He really wants me to wait until Saturday to test again. He didn’t want to get my hopes up, but because I am having very little spotting and no cramps he wants me to stay on the progesterone and test at home on Saturday to make sure. This could be implantation bleeding… I didn’t even know what to say. I still don’t.

I have so many emotions. I thought I was strong. I thought that I had it together. I thought I was ok with whatever was meant to be will be. But I don’t know now. I really just wanted a straight forward answer today. Now I have to wait 3 more days to see another negative pregnancy test. I can feel it. It is such an emotional roller coaster and I wish I could jump off. I am so ovvverrrrrr itttttt! Sorry to be a Debbie Downer, but today is an off day and I guess that is ok.

**UPDATE**

As I was getting ready for bed last night Aunt Flow came on full force- or so I thought… This morning when I woke up all there was, was a little bit of brown in the Tammy! – I know TMI… So now I don’t know what to think. I thought I was out so I did not take my progesterone. I actually felt better knowing for sure this cycle was done, but now I am more confused than ever on what my body is doing. I am not used to having abnormal cycles. Sooooo overrrrr it!!! Oh ya. I already said that.

Jealous or Envious?

One of my best friends asked me a question recently, “Are you jealous or envious of other women who are pregnant? What is the difference between you feeling jealous or envious?” At the time I had an understanding that they are different emotions, but I didn’t quite know how to explain it…

I came across a fellow blogger on here and love how she explained the two:

“Throughout my work of recovery I have come to understand jealously a little differently. It first started at the Emerging Women conference last October in Boulder when I saw an interview with Tami Simon and Alanis Morissette. Tami interviewed Alanis about the book she is writing and about her work with Relationships First. One of the points she spoke about was what she thinks the difference between jealousy and envy is. She said that jealousy is about connection; that when we are jealous of someone or something it is about self improvement, we want it too. But when we are envious of something we not only want it for ourselves but we want to take it away from the other person, making it not about connection but disconnection. She used a really simple example of her hair. She said something to the effect that she knew many of us in the audience were jealous of how great her hair looked (it was the shiniest most beautiful head of hair I’ve ever seen). She said that some of us were probably jealous of it (for me, she was completely saw my green accurately). She said we just wanted some of the hair gods to shine on us too. So her suggestion was to go out and buy the pomade she used to make it look that gorgeous. She then explained that if we were envious of her hair it would be more about chopping it off her head for ourselves so that not even she could have the luxury of this beautiful mane.”- follow Justine Froelker

So there it is. I feel jealous. NOT envious. I would never want to take away someone else’s joy or happiness. I would never want another woman to feel the pain of infertility. BUT, I do allow myself to feel jealous. I think jealously is a natural emotion to have when we want something someone else has and we don’t.

Justine also points out how healing jealously can actually come from celebrating it. Yes, I know that sounds crazy but celebrating jealously can actually cure it! I didn’t realize I was already doing this. I am curing myself every time I participate in the vary things I want so badly. Every time I go to a baby shower. Every time I hang out with my mommy friends and their babies. Every time I over night baby sit for my nephew. Every time I go to a 1 year old birthday party my jealously ceases a little bit. I actually feel satisfied and good at the end of the day.

It is easy to let jealously and self pitty get in the way of important connections and relationships. The grass is always greener on the other side right? I am sure some of my mommy friends have been jealous of me. So let yourself feel jealous- but only for a little bit. Then put your big girl panties on and embrace this beautiful life you have been blessed with each morning.

Public Service Announcement:

This post is more for people not suffering from infertility.

It is funny how everyone has something to say to you about not getting pregnant. I understand people don’t really know how to respond or approach this issue since there is not a lot of dialog surrounding it. I know people are trying to be positive and supportive. But sometimes we just want someone’s compassionate ear. I am going to suggest to you what not to say to someone who is suffering from infertility:

“just relax and it will happen!” – why don’t I relax my foot in your crotch.

“just get really drunk! it worked for us!”- like I haven’t tried that every weekend. we all know how much I love wine…

“just stop trying, that is when you will get pregnant. when you least expect it.” – how about I just stop trying to not punch you in the face. also it is pretty hard to stop doing something when you have already been doing it for so long.

“have you gotten hubs sperm tested?” – duh, that’s like the first step and the easiest!

“You are still young!”- people I’m not getting any younger here. I will be 30 next year. Last time I checked, our “natural” age to pop kids out is actually 15- so I am ancient by those terms.

“I’m sure nothing is wrong with you.” – oh because you have a phD in vaginas.

“It is not in God’s plan yet.” – I am a Christian so I somewhat understand this comment. I believe that God does have a plan and maybe it isn’t the right timing yet, but I don’t want to hear this from you. Plus, have you had a conversation with God about my fertility issues lately? I don’t think so.

“Just be patient.” – ohhhhhhh….. {this is in my angry, agro, grunt voice}

“I have a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend that tied this and that, and the other and it worked for them!” – well my friend of a friend of a friend wants your friend of a friend of a friend to shove it!

I give this advice in a loving way, so sorry if it comes across harsh. It is just so frustrating to get opinions or advice from people who have no idea what it feels like to not be able to accomplish the one thing us women are made to do! Until then, I will just smile and nod politely…

on another note its obvious that gif’s are my new favorite thing.

The 2 week wait: DUN DUN DUN…

A.K.A The “Looking up every early pregnancy symptom on the internet” week wait.

A.K.A. The test your patience week wait.

A.K.A More like the million year, week wait.

A.K.A The 2 week wait.

For those of you unfamiliar with this glorious term, the 2 week wait refers to the 2 weeks after ovulation and hopefully conception in which you have to wait to pee on stick. As it turns out I am in the 2 week wait as I type this. {5 days past IUI to be exact}.

In the past I have been really sucky at this wait. Patience is a new word that has come into my vocabulary and life practice’s since this whole infertility journey began. It wasn’t until last cycle that I sort of let it go {until 4 days before the 2 week wait was over…. but that is pretty good if I do say so myself!} Each month the 2 week wait consists of scouring the internet for every symptom that could mean I am pregnant! This will go on for hours and days, until I have re-discovered the same information about 3 times. It usually ends up with 5 wasted pregnancy tests. {chaaaching!} I open my fertility friend app every day to see that yes, we are still only on day 3- no time machine here. I begin to check off every symptom I have felt and analyze that against my other charts- because this has never happened any month before- wrong. {my fertility friend app is beginning to become more like fertility enemy}. The 2 week wait is also full of hopes and expectations that will soon be crushed, once again.

Since finding my peace, this 2 week wait has felt immensely different from the others. I haven’t looked at fertility ~~friend~~ enemy app all month. I haven’t looked at a single pregnancy forum online. I haven’t analyzed any symptoms I might be having- I honestly haven’t been paying much attention. {for me PMS symptoms are exactly what I have read early pregnancy symptoms are}. I feel so relaxed and content about where I am at right now. I am sure things will become more difficult the closer I get to being able to test, but I am making a promise to myself- and maybe you all can hold me accountable- that I am not going to test until the day after I am supposed to start my period. I know everyone is at a different space in their infertility journey so I am going to give some tips that might help you get through the 2 week wait without loosing your sanity::

* take a mini vaca- hubs and I, along with some friends, will be heading to San Felipe this week for an after Memorial Day celebration. It helps to not have internet- kind of forces you not to be tempted to look up your symptoms. It is also nice to be surrounded by friends and fun activities. {hubs and I did this last month during the 2 week wait and it helped me to stay relaxed the rest of the month}.

* plan a date night with your girlfriends. Have a glass of wine {or 2 if you want! you haven’t peed pink yet ;)} and make fun of the men on the latest episode of The Bachelorette.

* get a massage. it. feels. so. good.

* start a good book you have been wanting to read. Especially if it is 700 pages- that will keep you busy for a while.

* limit the time you are on social media. Sometimes social media can trigger negative thoughts and emotions about ourselves. The 2 week wait is a sensitive time and seeing another girl get pregnant while awaiting your turn can send you into a spiral. I find the less I am on social media the more I can focus on what is really going on inside of me. { note: I am going to do another post about social media and infertility entirely}.

* keep busy. I don’t care what it is you do, just keep moving.

* go for a nice, long walk. We live in such a beautiful world. Take advantage of Mother Earths creation and clear your mind.

* don’t put expectations on yourself.

As soon as you know it the 2 week wait will be over. It may end positive- literally- or it may end with you saying “well, we always have next month.” Either way just know how strong you are for getting through it the best you know how. This month I have no expectations for myself. I have hopes and I pray that this will be the month for us. As for now you can find me digging my toes in the sand while sipping a cold O’douls…

Infertility & Love.

Dealing with infertility and continuing a loving and respectful relationship is hard. This is one issue you don’t think you will be dealing with when you get married. You think you will be arguing over money or which side of the bed you get to sleep on, not why aren’t we getting knocked up.

It took a while for me to come to the realization that this is just as hard on hubs as it is on me. He feels sad and let down too. He feels like he isn’t performing his job adequately or efficiently {which by the way he is}. I didn’t stop to think about how he was feeling because I was too caught up in my own selfishness and emotions. When I finally took my drunk goggles off and smelled the roses, I was able to understand and deal with my relationship around infertility in a different way. I really do believe infertility has brought us closer and has deepened our marriage on so many levels. Mind you, we have had our ups and downs through this journey.

My tips:

*Remember you are in this together. No matter what your husband or wife is going to be there when this is all said and done. He is the one by your side lifting you up when you had a bad day, he is the one who you cry to after you found out another person is pregnant and it wasn’t you, he is the one who has that sexy shoulder to cry on, he is the one who makes you feel like no matter what he will always love you, he is the one making you laugh when it hurts and you don’t want to, and he is the one who takes your mind off the negative.

*Make him feel needed and special {and not just for his special sauce}.

*Keep the romance. It gets complicated and unsexy when you have to schedule sexy time around your fertility friend app. {an alert pops up- “ITS TIME TO GET BUSY NOW! NOW! NOW! RIGHT NOW!”} No pressure… riiiiighhhttt. Guys don’t like feeling like they have to live up to some standard or goal- unless their doctor stats are quality and quantity. We have a secret phrase we use when it is go time, something that takes the pressure off. Don’t just have sex when it is prime time. Have sex just because too! Put on some sexy clothes or some mood music- AIR or John Legend are always winners {wink wink}…

*Talk about the future with babies in it. We still talk about names we like and vacations we want to take with our kids. We talk about what our kids will look like and how we will raise them. I think it is important to stay positive in this conversation and have that glimmer of hope that we will be able to implement what we talk about someday.

*Spend time together NOT talking about babies, pregnancy, or fertility. No brainer right. Take advantage of being able to go on spontaneous dates and sleeping in together. It won’t be this way forever…

*Go see the “Cord Cutter”. This could take up another post entirely, but all I gotta say is GO. I heard about Connie with Soul Sync through a few friends that have been to her- I don’t know if they are ok with me saying their names or not so I won’t- but you know who you are and I thank you for bringing Connie into my life! Anyways Connie is sort of like a therapist, but it is a lot deeper than that… She helped hubs and I so much with issues pertaining to our relationship that had nothing to do with infertility but linked it all together. – Connie at Soul Sync

*Hubs won’t always understand your struggle fully. That was a hard one for me to swallow. Even when he is being supportive, there is a big part of him that just doesn’t get why it is so upsetting when Aunt Flow shows every month. Find a community where you feel comfortable and where people understand your struggle completely.

*Keep your crazy in check. I know how those special little fertility pills can turn you into The Exorcist. And it is no fun for anyone. Hubs is not going to want to get sexy with you when you are being an all out b-word or crying at every commercial on tv . It is easier said than done. I know its like Sybil- you don’t really know you have been acting that way until your head is clear the next month.. “I wasn’t that bad on those pills, was I honey?”…. yes you probably were that bad. Just keep it in check. Be EXTRA sweet.

Most importantly be honest with each other and your emotions. Keep an open line of communication. You are both going to have good days and bad days. That is ok.

::DISCLOSURE::

I want friends and family to know that they can come to me and announce that they are pregnant. I want friends and family to be able to share their experiences and journey with me as well. I am genuinely excited/happy for you and want to share in your excitement!

It has taken me some time to get over this. There is always somewhat of a grieving period each month when Aunt Flow shows. I have come to terms with this. I have let myself feel these emotions because I think it is ok to feel sad. It is ok to feel robbed. It is ok to feel jealous. And it is ok to grieve something that wasn’t. {all you mommies out there should really be the ones envious of me though… I can still do date nights on a whim without scrambling for a babysitter, sleep in until 10:00am, go on tropical romantic vacas, and read 700 page books!- just kidding, just kidding}

I don’t want to miss out on life or the miracle of new life because I cant have the same thing. I love the quote “Comparison is the thief of Joy”. I will no longer compare my life to others. I will live in the moment because that is where you will find the most joy.

The Chronicles of the Unfruitfulness

Overcoming infertility through humor + patience.

Tag Archives: health