Happiness + Infertility

Most of the time in my infertility journey I feel like I am living in “Happiness Limbo”. I don’t know if any of you have experienced this same feeling, but I will try and explain it.

I am usually a pretty happy person generally speaking, but I have found in the past 3 years that my happiness level has decreased significantly. I find my lows are lower and my highs are higher. Am I bipolar? Sometimes I feel like I am. With infertility I feel like I am always waiting, thinking, and assuming I will be happy, happier, happiness, happiest when I have a baby and start a family of my own. I know this is a pretty shitty mind set to have, but it is really hard not to think this way. The pressure and stress of not getting what you want, not understanding why things aren’t going according to plan, and why you aren’t capable of doing what your body was made to do is a pretty hard pill to swallow. It makes me depressed, it makes me sad, it makes me not happy.

I think the emotion people are always striving for the most is happiness and it is the hardest to obtain and keep. So how do I get out of this “happiness limbo” and live my life happy in the NOW? Here are some tips and realizations I have come to:

– Having a baby will not truly complete me and make me a happier person all in its self. Yes. I believe it will help, but I also need to learn to be happy if that possibility never happens.

– Appreciate what I have. I have so much and no more money, babies, dogs, clothes, etc. are going to make me a happier person.

–  Watch the documentary Happy. This is such a great film and really puts life into perspective. People around the world are happy in situations I never thought imaginable. If they can be happy with cleaning up cow poop everyday and living in a hut, I think I can be pretty happy about the cards I was dealt.

– Listen to The Power Of Now. It has helped me to live in the now and find happiness in the littlest of things. Even washing my hands.

– Do things that make me happy. Work out. Read. Swim. Snuggle.

– Be happy.

I understand life is such and we aren’t expected to he happy all the damn time, but I WANT to be happy MOST of the time. I really do believe it is possible with a change in my mind set and priorities. I want out of this “happiness limbo” once and for all. I used to get these bursts of feelings all the time. {Remember I used to be a happy person} I can’t even explain this feeling other than its like a whole light just explodes in my body for no reason and I feel so light, free, and happy… Like I said, I used to get it all the time, but now it comes few and far between. The last time I felt this way was when I was driving down the freeway blasting the music in my car and all of a sudden this overwhelming feeling of sheer joy hit me. Today it happened again.

The Fam decided to head to the Bay since San Diego was going to reach an all time high this weekend, of like 1 million degrees. We loaded the car, headed out early this morning, and hung out there all day. It was a perfect, perfect day. The water was just right to cool off, the sun was out, the sky was clear, the cocktails were cool. We kayaked, played smashball and scrabble {I got my ass kicked}. We chatted, we laughed. We ate at our favorite sandwich place for dinner. We ended the night having a family swim in the pool, and laughed some more. I can say today, I am happy, happy, happy.

So I will strive to keep this feeling going. I will get it together and stop living my life in the future and past. I don’t want to wake up one day in 20 years and be like “fuck. where did my life go. oh yeah I was worrying about having a baby the whole time.” There is so much more to life people. I won’t let infertility win.

 

here are some pics from today. enjoy.

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I want it NOW!!

Thank you Waiting For Baby Bird for posting this fantastic Blog Post. I really needed to be reminded that God’s timing is always perfect. He knows my story better than I do. I need not to lose trust and faith in Him. I am definitely Veruca Salt and I always want things when I want them. now. Now. NOW. Anyways enjoy this awesome post::

“Anyone remember Veruca Salt from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory? You know the bratty girl who stomped her foot and screamed, “I want it now!” That is sometimes me and when I read the story of Abraham and Sarah in the Old Testament and get to the intense part where she tells her husband to go sleep with another woman, I see that same bratty girl in my head. I see Sarah screaming to Abraham, “I want the child God promised and I want it now! So go sleep with my maidservant!” And of course, he does (rolling my eyes).

“Now Sarai, Abram’s wife, had borne him no children. But she had an Egyptian slave named Hagar, so she said to Abram, “The Lord has kept me from having children. Go, sleep with my slave; perhaps I can build a family through her.” Abram agreed to what Sarai said.” ~Genesis 16:1-2
So much of her journey and struggle parallels mine (being promised a son against all odds and then waiting and waiting some more), but this is one part of her story I am desperately trying to not parallel. No, I am not talking about the temptation of having my husband sleep with another woman to get the child He has promised, but rather the temptation to grow impatient with God and His incredibly slow ways that I begin wasting my time, energy, and money doing anything and everything I can in order to push ahead His timetable. So often I find myself awake at night thinking of what I could or should be doing in order to bring life to my womb sooner. I imagine Sarah also stayed awake at night, lying in bed and looking up at the roof of her tent thinking of different ways she could help God fulfill His promise.

If you are familiar with the story than you already know God promised old man Abraham that He would give him more descendents than he could count. Naturally, we know it would take at least one to get that process started, but as time passed, and the promise of a child wasn’t being fulfilled, Sarah, who was old and barren, started to panic. She might have thought God forgot? Maybe she got tired of hearing all of the advice from others on how to get pregnant?

I bet if you just go adopt the child three tents over then you will magically get pregnant!

Honey, just hold your legs up in the air after sex, it worked every time for me!

Just quit thinking about it and relax a little…

Maybe you and Abraham just need a vacation?

Are you sure the child God promised will come from your own body? Maybe you should explore other options?

Maybe she was tired of the isolation and shame that surrounded her as an infertile woman. Perhaps other people started calling her an enormous (not pregnant) fool for believing in a promise from God? Regardless of what caused her to think of this crazy idea of her husband sleeping with another woman, it was obvious that she had reached her limit. I believe her feelings of hopelessness and attitude of impatience clouded her faith and all she could think about was her present desire to have a child and her current failure to be able to do so. I have no doubt that she knew and believed in God’s promise to her, but when she didn’t conceive in the time frame she wanted (or expected) and concluded she probably wouldn’t, her impulsiveness, her impatience, and her intense yearning to be a mom caused her to think it was all up to her and that she must be the one to do something (and do it now) in order to make it happen. Her faith was built primarily on her ability rather than God’s ability.

Sure her plan was successful and she got a child named Ishmael, but as time would tell, he was not the son God had promised. Therefore, as a result of Sarah’s own plans, trouble was stirred. In one of the ugliest scenes imaginable, infertile Sarah “mistreated” Hagar, her maidservant, out of anger and deep grief. When I think about how agonizing and painful infertility can be, I can only imagine that Hagar took quite the beating. Furthermore, Sarah never found room in her heart to love Ishmael as her own. It’s troublesome to know that the bitterness, anger, stress and heartache was a direct result from of all of Sarah’s “doing” and never once was it in God’s plans.

Sarah’s actions have made me question how much bitterness, strife, anger, heartache, and stress in my life have been a direct result from the decisions I have impulsively made without seeking God’s will.

Thankfully despite their poor choices, the story goes on to say that God was still faithful to His word and He still fulfilled His promises because nearly 25 years after He had spoken to Abraham, Sarah conceived and gave birth to the long awaited son whom they named Issac. I can’t help but wonder if the reason it took nearly 25 years for God’s word to be fulfilled was because their own plans delayed God’s plans. To me that can be an unsettling thought to know that I could potentially cause a delay in God’s timing, but it’s also a thought that motivates me to always seek God’s wisdom before I start making my own plans. Sarah never sought wisdom from God on how to build her family. Instead, she let her “I want it now” attitude take over and it cost her more than she could afford.

I don’t ever want my “I want it now” attitude to persuade me down a path God never intended me to travel or possibly hinder me from having His best in my life. I don’t ever want my impatience to cause me to do things that are pointless and irrational, thus leading to more heartache, stress, financial debt, anxiety, and resentment. I don’t want to forget the truth that despite what the facts in my circumstances look like, God is faithful and nothing is too hard or impossible for Him. I don’t want to be so focused on my intense present desire to become a Mama bird that I am like Sarah and will do anything and everything except first ask for God’s plan, listen for His voice, trust in His timing and believe in His promises. Doing anything else would be a Hagar…pointless.”

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Fertili{tea} = Fertility

Hopefully.

A couple months back I was doing a little holistic research on infertility and I came across this product:: Fertilitea {cute play on words}. It has amazing reviews, all natural herbs- things I have taken before and includes green tea which is my fave for so many reasons- and lots of women have gotten preggers. Now I am not saying this will be my “cure”, but heck since I am just sitting around and I have no medical reason why I can’t get pregnant I thought why not try this tea that may help my fertility.

I have noticed since stopping meds and treatments in June that my period has become shorter and shorter the last few months. I was usually at a 27-28 day cycle. It has gone from 26 to now 24 days. Weird. It is still “on time” but way short. Supposedly this tea helps “normalize” your cycle and help with sexual appetite- not a problem here, mood- I’m such a bitch, reproduction function, and regulating periods- although you can use it if you are already regular.

Anyways, starting now and giving it a go. I will let you know what happens in the next few months.

{ps cycle day 1 is today so it was perfect timing to start. Check out more on amazon.com for reviews and info about the tea. I would also be interested to know if any of you have tried it}

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Now + Then. Happy 4th Anniversary to Us. Xoxo

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Peace

So true. I have found a peace I have never felt before in regards to our infertility journey when I finally gave it all up to God.

What ever your beliefs are- God, Buddha, universe, energy, or whatever- I suggest finding something and gather strength from it. Let it go. Let it up. Have trust and faith that God knows your story better than you. Have trust and faith that peace will find you in a great way.

Redeeming Infertility

In addition to rest, God has given us so many promises for peace. Peace seems to be an undervalued gift for many Christians, possibly because the word has become a bit cliche or even somehow outdated, so it doesn’t hold much weight. When I think peace, I think of a deep, down-to-the-soul quietness, in the midst of non-quietness. I imagine someone standing in the middle of a bustling nonstop city, loud and chaotic, but he or she stands there with a calm spirit and closed eyes.

Not to be cheesy, but here is the googled definition of peace:

peacedef

 

I like the use of the word freedom in the definition. I don’t think we always think of peace like that, but it is a freedom from or within a situation that would otherwise enslave us to fear, chaos, worry, anxiety, and/or turmoil.

One of my favorite go-to…

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Sorry. Not Sorry.

{warning. do not read if you get easily offended or do not want to hear an angry rant post.}

Dammnn it! I thought this blog world was a “safe place”. Not so much these days on my feed. I don’t know about ya’ll but I have stopped following a decent amount of people this week, for reasons I am sure you can figure out on your own. Let me give you a clue- they might be are pregnant. For God sakes I am following women who have been trying to get pregnant for 10 years without success, women with lots of disorders that are preventing them from getting pregnant, and so on.  I figured I would be the one getting preggo and spreading the glorious news all over WordPress “See it works, just keep thinking positive and keep trying and your dreams with come true!”. Blow me.  It sucks because it has pretty much left me with like 5 following-ers. Time to find new friends 🙂

I know I have been talking about how strong I feel and how great I have been handling situations that involve pregnant women lately, but for some reason this feels different. It feels like I have been cheated on. I guess I never wanted to admit to myself that some of these women I follow would eventually end up pregnant- with or without me. I imagined this safe little bubble of people that were always going to be infertile, trying, and writing about how much pregnant girls suck.

I’m sorry not sorry that I don’t feel happy and excited for you. I know I probably come off like a horrible, bitter, crazy person, but I am voicing my truth. I’m sorry not sorry that I am not more compassionate and understanding of you. I do hope all the best for these women and their growing families. Of course I do. I understand now that I am not at a point in my growth where I can relish in someone else’s baby happiness with them just yet. And that is okay.

Can I ask one question? Why? Why would you blast that news all over your blog when you know that most of your followers are in the same situation that you were once in? I would think infertiles a like would have a little more sensitivity towards the community that they have been sharing in. Or have you already forgotten what it is like?

 

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{end angry rant post}

 

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