I feel horrible even writing this post.

This weekend was a combination of amazingness/jealously/sadness/blah. But mostly amazingness.

It all started on Friday morning when my best group of girlies were headed out to Palm Springs for a Bachelorette party. We rented a HUGE house right in the heart downtown of Palm Springs, fully stocked with booze, pool, food, and lady loves! I was excited to be heading out there with my best friend {who was in town from San Fran} and her sister. It would give us time to catch up.

{Side note:: my BFF has an almost 3 year old and has been trying to get pregnant with her second for over a year. She is having issues like myself and just went to the a fertility specialist who told her she is probably having hormonal issues and will need lots of blood work and hormones. She was excited to get answers and start the process of everything next month. I was excited for her too that she had answers and a starting point.}

So its 7:00am and we made a pit stop at 7-11. Her sis gets out of the car and my BFF turns to me and says, “I have some really exciting news…” {you obviously know where this is going}. YUP. She is pregnant. {Way too early to tell your infertile BFF that you are having a baby in 9 months}. She randomly took a test the day before we left just because, and it turned out to be positive. Dumb on her part. I mean who takes a pregnancy test before a bachelorette weekend filled with fun and Beer Olympics?? You wait until you get home people! After all that worry and doctors appointments and having sex maybe only once that month she winds up pregnant. Before me. Without me. We had even talked about being pregnant together at this friends bachelorette party and wedding. How that would suck, but would also be really cool. We had blah blah blahed about it on more than one occasion. Pretty ironic if you ask me. {ps if you know who my BFF is please don’t say anything. she is obviously not telling people yet. and don’t tell her you heard it from me. thanks. ha}

Annyyywhhooo I know I sound like a total bitch. Sorry. I am really so happy for her. And I love her so much. I am happy she doesn’t have to live life as an infertile anymore, but at the same time I am really aggravated with my own situation and it brings back all those negative emotions that I have been working so hard to get over. I know I am wallowing in self pity and its not a good look, but I don’t know how to stop at the moment. It feels again like another ally, another infertile, another empathetic person is now on the other side of the fence. At least she lives in San Fran and I don’t have to see her growing belly or talk baby talk everyday. I know. I’m a bitch.

I was somewhat distant from her the rest of the weekend even though we were sharing a room and a bed. I didn’t want to hear about it. I didn’t want to see it. I wanted to pretend that it wasn’t happening. I didn’t bring the subject up again after we exited the 2 1/2 hour car ride. I walked out of the room every time she was making an announcement of why her drink of choice for the weekend was O’Douls. Of course I put on a brave face and acted somewhat excited, but other than that I was mute about the subject. I know this is horrible, but I don’t know how to deal. In my heart I guess I knew she would get pregnant before me, but I didn’t want to believe it. So now I am having to go through my grieving process all over again, like a person who has relapsed in AA. Although I would say I am not back at step 1. Probably only a step 3. In the end I know I will learn to be truly happy for her.

Other than that the weekend was the best girls weekend ever. LIKE EVER. We had such a great time and I wish I could go on about it all day, but you know what they say… what happens in Palm Springs. Stays in Palm Springs. Unless your best friend tells you she is knocked up. Then that goes on the blog.