Faith + Infertility

A couple of Sundays ago there was a really great message at Church that struck a cord. It was about trusting God {I think it might have been about some other stuff too, regarding sex and chemistry, but I took trusting God away from it}. I know I have heard messages like this before in Church, but I don’t think my heart was open or ready to hear them at the time.

I have been struggling with how to have faith and trust in God in my journey with infertility. The Bible says “You shall be blessed above all peoples; there shall not be a male or female barren among you or among your livestock. Deuteronomy 7:14  So what does this mean for those of us who are Christians and are still struggling with infertility?

My husband has been a believer in Christ his whole life, he is a good Christian man, so obviously he shouldn’t be barren. Myself on the other hand- well {cough, cough}- I have not been a perfect human- I guess no one is. I have strayed and then recommitted myself to Jesus many times. I didn’t grow up in a religious family, but I have always had the belief that there is a God or a higher power- even in my dark days. I have struggled with what being a Christian means. I feel like it is the popular lunch table at school and I haven’t quite figured out how to squeeze my behind in to fit with all the others sitting there. Then I realized it is easy. What being a Christian means is to have faith and trust in God. Have trust and faith that God knows best. Trust and faith that I have changed on the inside and I am not controlled from the outside. It means that my heart has been changed by the presence of God. It does not mean that I am required to go to church, required to pay tithes, required to be good, required to do anything in order to stay a Christian. It means I desire to do those things because I have been changed and I have trust and faith in God. I have trust and faith that there is enough room at the table for my behind.

Giving in and giving it up to God has brought me the kind of peace I have been searching for, for 3 years. { lets be honest, I really only came to this realization about a month ago} “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace.” John 16:33. I know not everyone is religious or spiritual, but this is a heavy burden to carry and having faith in something bigger than me has helped ease that heaviness a little, especially now with our second failed IUI. Hubs said something I thought was pretty profound the other day about our situation with infertility. He said that no doctors can tell us why we are not getting pregnant. He said everything is perfect with us health wise and fertility wise. He said that under the most perfect circumstances we are still not getting pregnant. So, that has lead him to believe that it is most definitely in God’s hands and that it is not in his perfect timing. Hubs truly believes that God has a plan for us and this is not it. It makes perfect simple sense. He has trust and faith that we will be parents, just not yet. It is a little harder for me to grasp this concept but I am working on it. It’s my type A personality coming out.

Even though I still have questions and curiosities about God and his plan, I will continue to pray. I will continue to have trust and faith that God knows my story better than I do. His timing is right in all things. I pray that our infertility is temporary and that God will show us grace and favor in our journey.

ps. I am getting baptized next week at the beach! Very excited to take this next step…

 

 

 

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Infertility & Love.

Dealing with infertility and continuing a loving and respectful relationship is hard. This is one issue you don’t think you will be dealing with when you get married. You think you will be arguing over money or which side of the bed you get to sleep on, not why aren’t we getting knocked up.

It took a while for me to come to the realization that this is just as hard on hubs as it is on me. He feels sad and let down too. He feels like he isn’t performing his job adequately or efficiently {which by the way he is}. I didn’t stop to think about how he was feeling because I was too caught up in my own selfishness and emotions. When I finally took my drunk goggles off and smelled the roses, I was able to understand and deal with my relationship around infertility in a different way. I really do believe infertility has brought us closer and has deepened our marriage on so many levels. Mind you, we have had our ups and downs through this journey.

My tips:

*Remember you are in this together. No matter what your husband or wife is going to be there when this is all said and done. He is the one by your side lifting you up when you had a bad day, he is the one who you cry to after you found out another person is pregnant and it wasn’t you, he is the one who has that sexy shoulder to cry on, he is the one who makes you feel like no matter what he will always love you, he is the one making you laugh when it hurts and you don’t want to, and he is the one who takes your mind off the negative.

*Make him feel needed and special {and not just for his special sauce}.

*Keep the romance. It gets complicated and unsexy when you have to schedule sexy time around your fertility friend app. {an alert pops up- “ITS TIME TO GET BUSY NOW! NOW! NOW! RIGHT NOW!”} No pressure… riiiiighhhttt.  Guys don’t like feeling like they have to live up to some standard or goal- unless their doctor stats are quality and quantity. We have a secret phrase we use when it is go time, something that takes the pressure off. Don’t just have sex when it is prime time. Have sex just because too! Put on some sexy clothes or some mood music- AIR or John Legend are always winners {wink wink}…

*Talk about the future with babies in it. We still talk about names we like and vacations we want to take with our kids. We talk about what our kids will look like and how we will raise them. I think it is important to stay positive in this conversation and have that glimmer of hope that we will be able to implement what we talk about someday.

*Spend time together NOT talking about babies, pregnancy, or fertility. No brainer right. Take advantage of being able to go on spontaneous dates and sleeping in together. It won’t be this way forever…

*Go see the “Cord Cutter”. This could take up another post entirely, but all I gotta say is GO. I heard about Connie with Soul Sync through a few friends that have been to her- I don’t know if they are ok with me saying their names or not so I won’t- but you know who you are and I thank you for bringing Connie into my life! Anyways Connie is sort of like a therapist, but it is a lot deeper than that… She helped hubs and I so much with issues pertaining to our relationship that had nothing to do with infertility but linked it all together. – Connie at Soul Sync

*Hubs won’t always understand your struggle fully. That was a hard one for me to swallow. Even when he is being supportive, there is a big part of him that just doesn’t get why it is so upsetting when Aunt Flow shows every month. Find a community where you feel comfortable and where people understand your struggle completely.

*Keep your crazy in check. I know how those special little fertility pills can turn you into The Exorcist. And it is no fun for anyone. Hubs is not going to want to get sexy with you when you are being an all out b-word or crying at every commercial on tv . It is easier said than done. I know its like Sybil- you don’t really know you have been acting that way until your head is clear the next month.. “I wasn’t that bad on those pills, was I honey?”…. yes you probably were that bad. Just keep it in check. Be EXTRA sweet.

Most importantly be honest with each other and your emotions. Keep an open line of communication. You are both going to have good days and bad days. That is ok.

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